It has not been a good day for me as I was battling with a couple of matters which lately have made me very insecure. I was so burdened to the point where I just had no desire to do anything else.
Then came a call from an older sister-in-Christ whom I respect a lot. It was God-sent because what she shared reminded me of the dream I received when I was undergoing my surgery last Friday. The part on going back to the Word of God to receive nourishment and encouragement; and also to turn my burdens to faith/prayer.
Now I can see how weak a human mind can be where in one moment I am challenged to do the above-mentioned (and the best part was I was all geared up for it) but when I am thrown back to reality where I have to deal with the circumstances of life, it is back to trusting my own strength and letting the human emotions affect and weaken me. :(
Also from the words of this same dear sister in an email she wrote a few days ago, she told me that in order for your desire to see a change in someone I am burdened for, that transformation needs to begin with me. How true that is!
How can I expect someone to come back to God when I myself am struggling in my own walk? How can I pray for someone to get well when in me there is no faith for that healing to happen? How can I change someone's negative thoughts when I myself am harbouring them? How can I teach someone to love when I have my own hatred against another?
Such irony. Though I feel I have been a disappointment to a few people lately and also having burdens for them, I think I need to put these dear individuals aside (though my heart still goes out to them) and tend to my own garden first. Basically to weed out those unhealthy areas of my life and let God take full sovereignty again.
It is not going to be an easy road ahead because there will be moments when there are urges to snatch back what I have surrendered to God. I pray and also request of those reading this blog, who are my fellow siblings-in-Christ, to intercede along with me that I will persevere and let God minister to me in His mighty ways.
I think it is time to put a stop being a stumbling block to the people around, especially those close to my heart. God did not make me to be a failure or a disappointment. He made me to be a blessing and I need to claim back that identity I have in Him. I need, with the help of the Holy Spirit, to start glorifying God and edifying those around me.
Well, for a start I am considering a retreat away from people whom I am familiar with and just let the Spirit refreshes me. It will be soon but no exact dates yet. May that be the beginning of a breakthrough that is long overdue.
Transformation begins with me! "Lord, I come before you with a broken and contrite heart. Heal me, I pray."
"Therefore, I urge you, brothers and sisters, in view of God’s mercy, to offer your bodies as a living sacrifice, holy and pleasing to God—this is your true and proper worship. Do not conform to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God’s will is—his good, pleasing and perfect will." Romans 12:1-2
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