Held By God's Love

Throughout the whole of today, I have been receiving several nudges to speak to grandma about mum's health status. I was not sure the whole time whether to do so or not. Frankly all these while I do not have the courage.

When I was with the Worship Team as they were doing their devotion before rehearsal commenced, a brother-in-Christ shared a song which I fell in love with about two years ago in another brother-in-Christ's wedding. Below are the words:-

I’m Held By Your Love

Verse 1:
I’m held by Your love, upheld by Your strength.
On Your shoulders You bore me, by Your faith I stand.
Cherished by You Lord, treasured in Your sight,
so close to Your heart, held firm in Your hand.

Chorus:
So awesome is Your love, so mighty is Your hand.
On eagles’ wings You carry me, Your grace shall be my strength.
So perfect is Your love, You sacrifice Your Son,
amazing love reached out to me, with joy to You I come.

Verse 2:
Not by my wisdom, not by my strength.
Gently You guide me, lead me by hand.
Total surrender, Jesus I am Yours;
now and forever, in Christ I now stand.

If I am still leading worship this Sunday, this song will be one of my choices. The words reminded me that I am held by God's love. On eagle's wings He will carry me and His grace shall be my strength. It was the words of the second verse that gave me the courage to speak to grandma because I am assured God will gently guide and lead me by hand.

On my way home, I prayed and asked the Lord to help me. When I stepped into the house, I went to grandma's room and told her I wanted to speak to her.

We sat on her bed. I whispered a quick prayer and broke the news to her. When she heard about it, grandma cried and said it was all her fault. I did not understand that comment she made but I listened on.

She shared that in the past she had been cursing at people (including her children and other loved ones) whenever there were quarrels and all. Now she said the curses have come through - one by one, her immediate family members have gone before her: first, her husband; then her son; then her younger daughter and now her eldest daughter is sick.

My heart went out to her as I could see the pain in her. I pleaded with the Lord to give me words of comfort and breakthrough as I sensed this is probably the time she needs to release all her regrets and guilt she has been carrying all these years.

I told grandma that the day she accepted Jesus Christ as her Lord and Saviour, her sins have been cleansed because of His death on the cross. I told her she is no more under the bondages of sin and death. I also affirmed in her that she has been set free.

She acknowledged what I said but she mentioned that it has been very painful to go through death upon death when she should be the one to go. I know it will take a while for grandma to be healed of her past experiences. It is my prayer the Lord will truly cause a breakthrough in her.

I explained to grandma that mum's medical condition is not severe and that it is curable so long as she goes through the treatments as advised by the specialist. I told her this is the period for her, dad and I to pray for mum's recovery.

We prayed together after that. She cried as she asked the Lord to heal her only daughter. As she prayed those words, I have this peace and assurance that mum would be healed - simply for the sake of grandma. I do not know. I may be wrong but I kind of sensed that the Lord will not be so heartless as to take away the last of grandma's flesh and blood. Well, I guess time will tell.

She wanted to speak to mum but she has slept already so I told grandma to do so tomorrow. I wish I could do more for grandma. It is my prayer that she will be able to sleep tonight. Sigh.

Well, I shall stop here. I am drained myself. I really need God's extra portion of strength for this period. I hope He will pull me through it all.

"Therefore, there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus, because through Christ Jesus the law of the Spirit of life set me free from the law of sin and death. For what the law was powerless to do in that it was weakened by the sinful nature, God did by sending his own Son in the likeness of sinful man to be a sin offering. And so he condemned sin in sinful man, in order that the righteous requirements of the law might be fully met in us, who do not live according to the sinful nature but according to the Spirit. Those who live according to the sinful nature have their minds set on what that nature desires; but those who live in accordance with the Spirit have their minds set on what the Spirit desires. The mind of sinful man is death, but the mind controlled by the Spirit is life and peace; the sinful mind is hostile to God. It does not submit to God's law, nor can it do so. Those controlled by the sinful nature cannot please God. You, however, are controlled not by the sinful nature but by the Spirit, if the Spirit of God lives in you. And if anyone does not have the Spirit of Christ, he does not belong to Christ. But if Christ is in you, your body is dead because of sin, yet your spirit is alive because of righteousness. And if the Spirit of him who raised Jesus from the dead is living in you, he who raised Christ from the dead will also give life to your mortal bodies through his Spirit, who lives in you. Therefore, brothers, we have an obligation—but it is not to the sinful nature, to live according to it. For if you live according to the sinful nature, you will die; but if by the Spirit you put to death the misdeeds of the body, you will live, because those who are led by the Spirit of God are sons of God. For you did not receive a spirit that makes you a slave again to fear, but you received the Spirit of sonship. And by him we cry, "Abba, Father." The Spirit himself testifies with our spirit that we are God's children. Now if we are children, then we are heirs—heirs of God and co-heirs with Christ, if indeed we share in his sufferings in order that we may also share in his glory." Romans 8:1-17

"The Sovereign LORD is my strength; he makes my feet like the feet of a deer, he enables me to go on the heights." Habakkuk 3:19a

Two Become One

I went for my driving lesson this morning. After that I went to book my test-date - it will be on Monday, 5 November 2007. Wow! Never imagined myself coming to this stage again. Anyway, whether I pass or not, I shall not be too bothered by them.

I headed for town next to meet two friends - I got to know both of them when we attended a counselling course a couple of years ago. Both of them are getting married early next year and they have asked me to be their wedding-planner. This particular one is quite stressful because they want me to plan everything for them. I am usually more pressured in this kind of request but I shall give of my best and take it as a challenge.

It is wonderful that they have finally decided to tie the knot. When one of them was interested in the other party, he was worried about the age-gap (8 years difference). Eventually they decided to give it a shot in the courtship and the Lord directed them accordingly from then on. They prayed together quite often, continually seeking the Lord in where their relationship should go and how He can use them in reaching out to the troubled teens. I guess in their desire to honour God, He has honoured them in return with this commitment to live their lives together.

I always rejoice and thank God for seeing how He led couples from one party being interested in another; to courtship; and then to marriage. That is why whenever I am asked to be their wedding-planner or simply playing a role in their marriage, I would gladly agree as it is a celebration of love and also an avenue to worship God together.

Well, I have eight months to do the planning and all. It should be enough. I really need the Lord to guide me in this.

I went for a walk along Orchard Road as I was feeling quite cold in the cafe we were at. Basically headed for church next.

In exactly 4 months and 27 days, I shall update as to whether I passed or failed my driving test.

"Wives, submit to your husbands as to the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church, his body, of which he is the Savior. Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit to their husbands in everything. Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her to make her holy, cleansing her by the washing with water through the word, and to present her to himself as a radiant church, without stain or wrinkle or any other blemish, but holy and blameless. In this same way, husbands ought to love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. After all, no one ever hated his own body, but he feeds and cares for it, just as Christ does the church — for we are members of his body. "For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh." This is a profound mystery—but I am talking about Christ and the church. However, each one of you also must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband." Ephesians 5:22-33

Prayer Can Do What The Hands Can't

Two nights ago after I came home from the leaders' prayer meeting, I spent some time with mum after cooking her a bowl of "mee suah" (Chinese vermicelli). She was a little hungry then.

As we were talking, she said she does not know how dad would react should one day she leaves this world earlier than him. She also mentioned that should she go, she would do so with peace in her heart as my brother and I have now our stable jobs. She remarked she would love to see one of us marry before anything happens to her. I jokingly told her I am definitely not the one as I do not have someone who is willing to share my life with whereas my brother has. I told mum I will hint to him.

Anyway, I decided to give her my listening ear though it would have been easy for me to interrupt her sharing by saying things like, "Mum, can you please don't think like this?" or "It won't happen."

After she stopped, I basically told her we will never know exactly when we would all die but what matters is how we make full use of the present to cherish the relationships we have.

I also told her she has given her best to be as good a mother to my brother and I. I thanked her for all that she has done. You know? I would never have said this when I was younger because there were times when I hated mum so much that I would wish her dead. Yup, that was how deep my hatred was. Thanks be to God that I have forgiven her because after all she was trying her best to bring us up though her methods were not always effective.

When she was done with her supper, we spent some time in prayer. I am so happy she has memorised my favourite Bible passage of Philippians 4:6-7. :)

So much for that. I came back not too long ago from supper with my younger siblings-in-Christ. Before that we met up to plan for the Youth Ministry Spiritual Retreat workshops.

I have a testimony to share regarding the preparations. The whole of yesterday I wanted to do some lesson-planning - after sending the mission team off, I wanted to do so at MacDonalds but the encounter with the Caucasian visitor sort of took that mood away from me.

Then I headed for Ngee Ann City Coffee Bean. I went online and searched the websites for ideas. After spending some 4 hours or so, I still did not have a clue what my team should do. I decided to head for church.

As I entered the church, the retreat theme verse (Psalm 46:10) came to mind. I basically left my things in the church office and headed for the Fire Escape Stairways. It was there I poured out my anxieties and fears to the Lord. I basically confessed that I was trying to do things with my own strength and that I was at my wit's end!

Well, not that anything spectacular happened immediately but I had a sense of peace in my heart after that. I spent some time with a Lay Ministry Staff whom I sought counsel with regarding this burden. It was here that ideas started pouring in. I was so overwhelmed that I had no choice but to quickly type the thoughts down onto my laptop.

It was amazing to experience how the well in me was empty not too long ago was then suddenly filled with so many ideas. The best thing was they all flowed smoothly from one point to the other! Surely this was the work of God!

I shared the above-mentioned excitedly with the team. We discussed and fine-tuned some parts. At the end of it all, the preparations are now almost done. Wow! Praise and glory be to God!

I can heave a sigh of relief now. :)

"Be still, and know that I am God; I will be exalted among the nations, I will be exalted in the earth." Psalm 46:10

Stop It!

I had an unpleasant encounter with a group of Caucasian tourists (8 of them in all - 6 guys; two ladies) when I went to the MacDonalds restaurant in the airport. I have never seen such inconsiderate and insensitive bunch of people in my life.

After I ordered my food, I was looking for a table and found one. I had to pass through the tables occupied by these visitors. I politely asked one of them to make some space for me to cross over. He basically pushed his chair just an inch and expected me to do so.

Well, since he refused to budge any further, I had no choice but to squeeze myself through that small gap. When I did that, my butt kind of brushed his head. That guy got so angry and made this comment, "Hey, you fat blob! Watch where you are going!"

I was offended by what he said and asked him to repeat those words again. Audaciously, he did.

I looked at him in scrutiny. I do not know what got into me but I basically made this remark in retaliation, "Mister, for a Caucasian like you, you are sure kind of short. Next time if you want to criticise others, perhaps you might want to look at yourself in the mirror. I can accept myself as a fat blob, can you accept yourself as a shortie especially when all your friends here are much taller than you? Please behave yourself when you are in a host country."

He did not say anything else and I went on to eat my breakfast. Like I said, I do not know what got into me to make those statements. I am basically sick and tired of individuals always commenting on other people's flaws or weaknesses when they themselves are no different from others. If anyone wants to make comments or criticise others, do so only if you are perfect. If you are not, just shut up and accept one another as who they are, be it whether they are your friends or just strangers.

Enough is enough. If that group had beaten me up, I still do not regret what I said. I know I should not have made those remarks about that man because in doing so I am criticising him but that was the last straw. I simply needed to put the message across proper.

I have had many people commented on my weight before. Then I just left them as they were but if this goes on and on, then I had to put my foot down. If one is doing it jokingly, I am fine with that but if it is done to put me down, then I will have to do something about it.

Come on, let us stop being superficial! When I say this, I am also reminding myself because there were occasions when I was not careful, I did fall into this trap. May the Lord deal with me doubly hard should I not practise what I preach.

Let us build each other up rather than put one another down! Let us affirm rather than criticise. Let us be sensitive to the feelings of others. If you can be hurt by some things, others would too. This world would be a better place to live in when small efforts are taken by all to do the above-mentioned.

Well, when I cooled down, I prayed and sought the Lord's forgiveness for what I did against that stranger. I hope I will not do it again. In fact I hope there will not be another similar incident. Just this year I had three already. Sigh.

Anyway, I was at the airport to send the mission team off. Praise the Lord everything eventually went well. Initially there were some problems regarding the total weight of the baggages but it was resolved when we spoke to the staff involved.

I am now in Ngee Ann City Coffee Bean preparing for the Youth Ministry Spiritual Retreat workshops. I am still clueless as to what we should do. I pray the Lord will prompt the other team members and I as to what He wants us to do. May He lead and guide me in the next few hours.

I shall stop here for now. I am actually quite sleepy but I should be okay after a while.

"You, then, why do you judge your brother? Or why do you look down on your brother? For we will all stand before God's judgment seat." Romans 14:10

The Paths Of Life

I went to Hindhede Quarry leading up to Bukit Timah Hill this morning. I needed to recce the route to the quarry so that this Saturday I will know exactly where to go when I bring the retreat leaders up. I got lost along the way but thank God He was able to prompt me accordingly and in the end, all went well. The weather threatened to rain but it did not. Praise God!

When I was up at the quarry, I just took the time to be quiet before the Lord and reflected on the path I took and the mistakes I made. There are a couple of lessons I learnt which can be paralleled to my life:-

1) This is the first time I was going up the hill on my own. When I was at the starting point, I basically asked the Lord to be my guide and give me the discernment to know where to go. I knew I could not do this with my own strength and understanding. I guess it is the same for my life where I have to always depend on God to show me the way so that I will not get lost. At the end of it all, God has to be my GUIDE in all I do.

2) I got lost a couple of times when I was trekking and became a little anxious. When that happened, I learnt I needed to stay calm and reflect on what I did which led me to where I was. When that was settled, all I needed to do was to back-track to the point where I got lost and start again. My life's journey is like that too - along the way I would get lost, even now I am still lost with regards to some areas. When that happens, it is important for me to stop and reflect, seek the Lord and then move on again or back-track a little and restart. There need to have pit-stops along the way.

3) From the start to the end of the recce, I also encountered many potholds, muddy pools and even fallen branches which made the trekking a little harder. I had to make decisions whether to go round these obstacles or over them and at one point, to find another alternative route but hoping to link up to a point somewhere beyond that obstacle. Well, life is like that too. Many times I would face such barriers but at the end of it all, with the Lord's promptings, I would just have to overcome them and move on. Sometimes it would take a longer time because I have to find another avenue but eventually it would still lead to the same destination.

4) There were many pleasant encounters too - I met some trekkers and bikers who smiled and greeted me when we crossed paths; I saw some really beautiful birds; there were some monkeys perched on the branches grooming each other; I saw a durian tree where there were many of the thorny fruits hanging all over. I looked around and saw a few which had fallen. I took one, opened it and managed to find good seeds in there. I ate some and they were delicious; I also saw a snake when I was down at one of the little valleys; etc. It is the same for my life where along the way there were many wonderful encounters with people, animals, etc. I always give thanks to God for them and it is always these things that take my attention away from the struggles I faced and make me smile.

I also spent some time at the quarry praying about the frustrations and disappointments I felt last night about my life, people, situations, God. I felt better but there are a lot of seeking that I still need to do from here on.

I guess that is all for the adventure I had this morning. I met a doctor-friend briefly to update him about mum and also collected from him some health supplements for a dear friend. I pray they have been helpful for her body.

I am now in church. I came here after the recce. My left knee is a little painful but it should go away soon.

"The LORD is a refuge for the oppressed, a stronghold in times of trouble. Those who know your name will trust in you, for you, LORD, have never forsaken those who seek you." Psalm 9:9-10

Understanding God's Will Is Sometimes Tough

I just reached home from dinner with two friends. Throughout the evening I have been feeling rather down. In my last blog, I wrote the title as "God's Plan Is Always Good." I have been seeking Him for His will in some areas of my life. Sometimes I wonder what is He really doing with me. I am puzzled and frustrated.

Sometimes I feel like giving up once and for all the pursuits of certain aspects of my life. Basically to stop dreaming and being hopeful. "What is the point?" is the question I am asking. I still hold in my heart this belief that whatever God is doing with my life is for my good but sometimes it is hard to see it that way when certain areas are just not happening.

I guess I am tired. I guess I am expecting too much to the point where I get disappointed. I guess I am not trusting God enough. Lately my life's journey is like that. "Spirit of the living God, fall afresh on me." The words of this song has been my prayer to the Lord many times.

"Therefore, I urge you, brothers, in view of God's mercy, to offer your bodies as living sacrifices, holy and pleasing to God—this is your spiritual act of worship. Do not conform any longer to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God's will is — his good, pleasing and perfect will." Romans 12:1-2

God's Plan Is Always Good

I just arrived church. The medical report has confirmed mum has cervical cancer Stage 1A. No surgery is needed currently but she has to undergo radiotherapy treatment commencing next week.

I went to the Botanic Gardens to spend some time with God after my parents left for home. Well, I still do not know what my feelings really are towards this news I received in the morning.

I guess it is a mixed feeling within me. On one hand I am thankful that it is the early stage of the disease; on the other hand, I do not know whether just radiotherapy treatment would eradicate the problem once and for all.

Anyway, I gave thanks to God for everything though sometimes I must admit it is tough to do so. I am again reminded to leave what is ahead to God. He knows best. So far I have seen His hands in this whole episode - from the fall mum had which led me to bring her for a complete medical check-up; to the time I spent with God last week where He told me to release my childish thoughts and actions; to the word of assurance given to me by a dear brother who hardly knows me; to the support given to me by my siblings-in-Christ and friends.

Truly God is good. Sometimes I did question Him why my life is always ridden with so many setbacks and failures but I guess He knows best. As I reflect on all these, He has never once disappointed me. He has always been there for me. He has also provided more than what I need.

Thanks be to God for that. Well, a dear friend messaged me this morning to remind me that God alone knows what is best for everyone. What she said made sense.

I just got a call from the scholarship department that I have pulled through the second interview and I have one last one to go. I do not know whether I should pull out from this because I am almost certain that I do not wish to leave this year for my studies if I am granted the scholarship. I have family and church matters to deal with first. I have not been thinking much about this because of mum's medical condition. I have yet to enquire whether I can defer my studies if I pull through the third interview. I guess I will find out first and if I am not allowed to defer then I shall voluntarily pull myself out of this. It may sound like a waste but to me, my family and church come first.

Having another qualification is good for my job future as in advancement and better pay packet but do I need more of these when currently I am comfortable with what I have. Well, these are just thoughts running in my mind. I shall seek the Lord in this.

I shall end here for now.

Thanks and glory be to God.

"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Then you will call upon me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you." Jeremiah 29:11-12

Bearing Each Other's Burden

I am tired but cannot seem to sleep. Mum is still awake too. I just spent some time in prayer with her.

Last night after meeting with the team in charge of planning for the Youth Ministry Spiritual Retreat workshops, I got a call from a dear sister. She asked whether I would like to be replaced for my worship-leading role this Sunday. She felt that I may not be in the right frame of mind to lead. I am definitely distracted. Initially I hesitated because of all the inconveniences I would be causing in having to find a replacement. This week is exceptionally bad because a couple of the worship leaders are not available.

Anyway, after much discussion, this dear sister has decided to take my place instead. I appreciate lots her care and concern. At least this takes one load off me which will definitely do me good.

I was initially looking forward to leading because of the Chinese song that I so wanted to share but I guess I can do that the next time I lead.

Okie, I can hardly open my eyes now. I shall stop here.

"Carry each other's burdens, and in this way you will fulfill the law of Christ." Galatians 6:2

Finding Peace In Trials

I have been in church the whole day. I have been multi-tasking but productivity level has not great because I am thinking about mum's medical report which will be released tomorrow morning.

I have been trying to finish two books that I am reading to aid me in the preparations for the Youth Ministry (YM) Spiritual Retreat workshops. Managed to finish one book but there is another which I hope I can complete by this week.

I am leading worship this Sunday for service but my mind is a total blank as to what songs to sing. I tried my best to concentrate but could not.

I am in the midst of reformatting my old notebook and downloading softwares and updating them accordingly. Once in while there are some hiccups because certain procedures were missed out. Thanks be to God He prompted me once in a while as to what else I could do and right now, all system is running smoothly.

I hope I can get this done by today so that I can pass the computer to my dear friend. I hope she will use it to the fullest especially when she leaves overseas for her studies.

Like I said my mind is just pre-occupied with what is to happen tomorrow. I really have no idea. I guess in times like this I can only pray and trust that the Lord will take control of everything and prompt me accordingly.

I also am concerned for my parents as to how they are feeling now. I hope the Lord will give them peace as they await for the result. I have not broken the news to grandma yet. I shall wait till tomorrow when I have heard from the doctor and decide then how to inform her.

I shall take some time after this to speak to God about my burdens. I really need His peace at this time.

Well, these are my thoughts for the moment.

Thanks be to God for everything.

"Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus." Philippians 4:6-7

Firm Foundation

It is already past midnight. I am actually quite sleepy but I want to blog for a while. A short one though.

Anyway, I shared in my last blog about how God gave me a message on standing firm through a dear brother at the conference. Well, yesterday morning when I joined the Youth Ministry Mentors (YMMs) for a time of prayer, a sister was also sharing on the same message. I believe this is really something that God wants me to learn during this period.

Frankly, I agree fully that I need to stand firm in some areas of my life. Though I have been a Christian for 22 years already and I am now a 35 year-old man, there are parts of my life that I am still struggling with and not taking the effort to firm up my thoughts and understanding. Because of that I have either stumbled others with my words/actions or have not really been effective in the way I minister. This links with the lesson I was taught not too long ago about putting away some of the childish things in my life.

Well, I guess it is time to really grow up and let my "yes" by "yes" and my "no" be "no" to the values I have learnt all these years. This focus on values was brought up in the conference I attended and I will share this point in due time when I blog about what I have learnt from the speaker.

A dear friend read my blog and when I chatted with her in the church office, she could guess correctly who that brother was. I did not really ask how she did that but I basically looked at her in amazement when she mentioned his name.

Anyway, may the Lord lead and guide me as I continue to seek Him in the revelations He made to me through others.

I had a meeting in the afternoon. After that in the early evening I accompanied two younger sisters-in-Christ to Sim Lim Square to buy a notebook. We thank God for the good deal. We had dinner next in Cathay Building and then it was off to Starbucks to try out the new machine and also to do some configurations to it. I had a great time of fellowship with these two siblings-in-Christ.

Okie, I am really very sleepy. A new week of uncertainties and challenges await me. I know some areas will not be easy for me to handle and there probably may have some tough decisions to be made regarding mum. May the Lord prompt me accordingly and may I have the discernment to do so. I pray I will go through the next few days of my pilgrim's journey with joy.

Thanks be to God for everything!

"Why do you call me, 'Lord, Lord,' and do not do what I say? I will show you what he is like who comes to me and hears my words and puts them into practice. He is like a man building a house, who dug down deep and laid the foundation on rock. When a flood came, the torrent struck that house but could not shake it, because it was well built. But the one who hears my words and does not put them into practice is like a man who built a house on the ground without a foundation. The moment the torrent struck that house, it collapsed and its destruction was complete." Luke 6:46-49

God Still Speaks To Individuals Today!

Today has been a long day for me. I had to go for a Youth Leadership Conference called "The Habitudes Experience" at Bethesda Cathedral in Bedok from 9:30am to 4:30pm. Though it was tailored for the youths, the contents of the workshop also spoke to me a lot as an adult. Some lessons served as reminders while the rest were some challenges I received as the session moved along. I will share some of these lessons in the next few blogs.

I want to testify about something that happened to me during the conference which speaks clearly about this God I am worshipping and serving. It basically showed me that He is very much alive and real. I just stood in awe when this dear brother came and spoke to me after I came back from the lunch-break.

I knew him from a related course that I attended with a dear friend a couple of weeks back. Anyway, I was sitting down just listening to the band rehearsing when he approached and told me that he had a word of assurance for me.

I was a little skeptical when I heard that and I basically asked what was the word of assurance targeted at. What he mentioned next struck me - he told me I need to stand firm with regards to the situations at home and also in my life. Wow!

I asked him next why these two areas. He basically said that when he shook my hands as we greeted each other before the conference commenced, he felt the Lord had a word for me. He did not want to tell me immediately as he needed to confirm what exactly was the word of assurance. It became clearer as time went by.

Well, I shared with him about mum's health condition. I did not share about the other issues I am struggling with in my life. This dear brother, who is a Youth Pastor, told me I just have to let go of my own effort in dealing with this situation and leave it to God to carry on from here onwards. Funnily I shared this last sentence to my dear friend's sister yesterday when she was encouraging me after hearing about mum. Anyway, I told this dear Pastor that I am trying but it is not as easy as just letting it go... afterall it is my mum we are talking about here.

Well, what was said to me kept me thinking throughout the whole afternoon. First of all, I have not spoken to this dear brother since the last course. He would not have known about mum or anything about me. Secondly, why was it that after ordering lunch with the rest of my church youths and ministry helpers that I decided to go back to the church alone while the rest chose to eat their food at the coffee shops or the void deck? Now I know the reason and it is truly awesome. Thanks and praise to my God Almighty!

Another incident which happened after the conference and on my way to a gathering also showed me how wonderful God is. It was a pot-luck affair. Since I had no time to cook I decided to buy some food at Heartland Mall in Hougang. After that I proceeded to the bus-stop and realised that there were no buses to my friends' place. While thinking of an alternative mode of transport, I asked the Lord to help me. Almost immediately after I finished that brief prayer, a phone-call came in.

A dear brother called and asked whether I needed a lift and enquired where I was. The amazing thing was he was fetching his wife to her parents' place, which was just opposite the Mall, to collect some stuff. Amazing, right?!

What happened since noon had been overwhelming for me! I told the Lord this in one of my prayers during the conference - I need to learn not to let struggles in my life affect my general mood. Basically not to be childish in my attitude towards trials as I have mentioned in my previous blogs.

I take comfort that the Lord is by my side all the time - sometimes I feel that He is far away and that He is not listening to my cries for help. Well, that is what I think but in actual fact, He has not left me at all. He is truly Emmanuel - God with us!

I shall leave it as that for tonight! Glory to God forever!

"Be on your guard; stand firm in the faith; be men of courage; be strong." 1 Corinthians 16:13

"Strengthen the feeble hands, steady the knees that give way; say to those with fearful hearts, "Be strong, do not fear; your God will come...... he will come to save you." Isaiah 35:3-4

Fellowship Is Refreshing

I met my accountability group just now. Though I was quite tired and another brother is busy preparing for a camp for the Boy's Brigade later, I am glad that we still dragged ourselves to meet.

Sometimes the human body has the inertia to carry out the plans for the day but the fact that we still overcome it and do things like meeting up to account one's life to another is really refreshing.

For me it was beneficial. For the past few days, I have been drained physically, mentally and emotionally by the problems faced at home and in my own life. Sometimes I feel that God has been unfair for making me go through one problem after another. But being in fellowship with other siblings-in-Christ made me realised that I am not the only one facing the struggles of life. Listening to my brothers sharing their problems allowed me to be aware that we are all in the same boat, going through the same journey of life. In accounting all these to one another, I have the assurance and peace that I am not going through life alone. Thanks be to God for that.

I just met a doctor-friend where we discussed about mum's medical situation. He is the third doctor to suggest removing the womb as it would minimise the probability of the problem surfacing again in future. This has given me the peace that God is using these persons to allow me to make a more informed decision as to the next step to take when the medical report is released next Tuesday.

I am now at Coffee Bean in Suntec City. I hope to spend some time here blogging and also reading a book to aid me in my preparations for the Youth Ministry (YM) Retreat. I am not really focused in this because of the recent spades of incidents. It is my prayer that the Lord will still equip and guide me accordingly.

I shall stop here for now.

"Therefore, brothers, since we have confidence to enter the Most Holy Place by the blood of Jesus, by a new and living way opened for us through the curtain, that is, his body, and since we have a great priest over the house of God, let us draw near to God with a sincere heart in full assurance of faith, having our hearts sprinkled to cleanse us from a guilty conscience and having our bodies washed with pure water. Let us hold unswervingly to the hope we profess, for he who promised is faithful. And let us consider how we may spur one another on toward love and good deeds. Let us not give up meeting together, as some are in the habit of doing, but let us encourage one another—and all the more as you see the Day approaching." Hebrews 10:19-25

God Disciplines Because He Loves Us

I just came back from a time of fellowship with some siblings-in-Christ. We had a simple dinner at a coffee shop and then desserts at a couple's place in Bishan. I am glad for the time spent with them as it took the attention off the things that I have been dealing with the past two days or so.

After that a dear brother and I, as we were heading home, walked and talked about things. I appreciated his willingness to listen to my struggles and offering counsel accordingly.

I praise the Lord for giving me people to encourage me during this time of struggles in my pilgrim's journey.

This morning before I went with mum and dad to the hospital, I was watching a VCD on the testimony of a brother-in-Christ by the name of Kelvin Soh. It was his song that comforted me yesterday when I was at a Christian bookstore.

He was a drug addict who had been in and out of prisons and rehabilitation centres for the past twenty years. He was released in 2002. His mum left him when he was a boy. His dad was a drug addict himself and had seldom the chance to take care of brother Kelvin. He was basically looked after by his grandma.

He took up the habit of taking drugs and sniffing glue from his dad. When he did not have money to buy the controlled substances, he resorted to stealing from his grandma who kind of gave up on him after a while.

Brother Kelvin's life changed when one day he was given a Bible when he requested from a prison warden for something to read. He chanced upon a passage from Hebrews 12:5-6. Those verses made him realised his life could not be transformed by his own effort. Only God could. He disciplines and rebukes because He loves His children. It was here Kelvin gave his life up to God. From then on, he was transformed. Even while in prison God used him mightily to reach out to his fellow inmates. He continued to serve God after he was released.

He met a sister-in-Christ one day whom he came to love deeply and eventually took her as his beloved wife. Now they are serving the Lord together. His wife basically accepted Kelvin as who he is - his past, his character, his all - and God is now using them powerfully!

His grandmother also came to know Jesus as her personal Lord and Saviour after seeing the transformation in Kelvin's life. The grandson she once thought was condemned is now a changed man. This made her realised that the God Kelvin serves is very much alive and real.

Watching this video presentation served as a rebuke for me that there is no such thing as someone being beyond hope. With God there is always hope. I also learnt that there is no such thing as small or big sins. A sin is a sin. When Christ died on the cross, He did not die only for the big sins of man. He simply gave His life as an atonement for man's sin. Period.

In this world, be it convict or not, all have sinned and fallen short the glory of God. A person who has never been imprisoned does not mean he is not guilty of wrongdoings - at one point of our lives, we probably would have committed a sin. A lie is one example. This simply tells us that we are no different from those who have been convicted before. So we are all the same and Christ died for us all and not some.

This testimony of brother Kelvin has opened my eyes towards my view of people in general. I prayed and asked the Lord to forgive me for the way I have judged some people. By judging, I have already sinned. It is time that I learn to see others with the compassionate eyes of God - to love and accept them as God would.

Thanks be to God for the above-mentioned. I am moved to use one of brother Kelvin's songs when I lead next Sunday at the 11:15am service. The theme for that day's sermon is on grace and this song I am considering speaks about grace. The only thing is the song is in Chinese but the service I am leading is in English. I guess God can still speak through the language barriers. Well, I shall pray and let God move me accordingly.

Before I end, I want to praise God for the church member who was admitted into hospital on Sunday. Yesterday I shared his heart-rate were exceptionally high and his temperature was fluctuating. Well, this afternoon his wife called to inform me that everything is back to normal and that this dear brother-in-Christ would be transferred to a normal ward.

Thanks be to God for the power of prayer! His health condition was sent to the church prayer network yesterday. I believe God has heard the prayers of His people on behalf of this brother!

I guess I shall stop here and share further tomorrow.

To God be the glory!

"And you have forgotten that word of encouragement that addresses you as sons: "My son, do not make light of the Lord's discipline, and do not lose heart when he rebukes you, because the Lord disciplines those he loves, and he punishes everyone he accepts as a son." Hebrews 12:5-6

God Is My Refuge And Strength

I brought mum to see the gynaecologist and from the prognosis, it is 80% confirmed that the growth on her womb is cancerous. A biopsy was taken. Results will be released next Tuesday. The test is also to determine the severity of the cancer. The specialist discussed with mum and dad about the option of removing the womb. They are open to the idea. It is very much dependent on what stage the cancer is at. If it is Stage Two and above then other treatments will also be needed since the cells have spread to other parts of the body.

Mum and dad went home after the consultation. I am now at Coffee Bean in Ngee Ann City. I decided to spend some time here to read the books I bought yesterday and also to write some thoughts down in this blog.

Last night after I wrote my blog, I spent some time with dad. I wanted to make sure he was coping well with the news. He said he was worried and never expected a fall would suddenly reveal such an illness. He said he was not prepared at all. I tried to show him another way of looking at the whole incident - I basically told him we should all be thankful to God that it was from the fall that the family got to know about the growth. If not, things would have been as they were and the cancer cells may have spread on. That could have made matters worse.

I could see tears welling up from his eyes because I know dad loves mum tremendously despite of all the quarrels they have had throughout their marriage. I also know he does not want mum to suffer as we have seen how trying it was especially for my late Aunty Grace, who died of cancer 11 years ago.

Anyway, I also shared with him my favourite verses from Philippians 4:6-7. I told him we can only trust God to lead us from here on. I also encouraged him to pray regularly - to focus our eyes on our God Almighty than on the illness itself. We interceded for mum after that. He choked a couple of times while submitting to God his petitions.

I went out for a walk with Sasha after that. I was thinking of grandma. I am struggling whether to break the news to her. I am still seeking the Lord in this - it is tough to let her know that her one and only child left is sick. Her son died when he had an infection in his early twenties; her younger daughter succumbed to cancer when she was in her late 40s. Grandpa died when he was in his 40s too. I do not know how she would cope should she know that another of her loved one is ill. I have a very strong sense that I need to let her know - it is only fair. I just need to have the courage to do so. I am also praying that God will give me the right words to comfort her after that.

Well, I am thankful to God for sustaining me since yesterday. Mentally and emotionally I am feeling rather drained but I will continue to trust that He will help me press on. I also pray that He will give me wisdom to deal with matters as they come in the next few days.

"So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand." Isaiah 41:10

Counting The Grace Of God

Today is a day of hospital visitations. I went with mum to collect her medical report. Well, a growth has been found where her womb is. The doctor suspects that it may be malignant. Tomorrow I will be bringing mum to a gynaecologist to seek a second opinion. I do not know exactly what my feeling is toward this revelation. I guess the time spent with God last night kind of prepared me for any bad news that I may receive today. This was one burden I shared with the Lord when I sat by the stairways.

I asked mum how she felt after receiving the report. She said she will leave it to God. I wanted to pray with her so we walked to the Botanic Gardens. We found a bench and we took the time to pray. I read to her my favourite verses from Philippians 4:6-7. I hope the passage has allowed the both of us to be assured that God is in charge and we shall leave Him to direct us accordingly.

I have broken the news to dad and my brother. Dad is not taking it too well. I decided not to reveal the news to grandma as I do not want her imagination to run wild. She has already lost two of her three children. I also do not want her to worry unnecessarily due to her old age.

I cannot deny that the whole afternoon, after sending mum home, I was thinking about her physical condition. I decided to go out. I headed for SKS Bookstore. It is just so amazing how great God is. I think He knew I needed some comfort and assurance. When I stepped into the store, the first thing I heard was a Chinese song sung by a local artiste, Kelvin Soh. He was an ex-drug addict who turned his heart to God and is now ministering to the inmates.

My competency in the Chinese language is not that great but the gist of the song spoke about counting the grace of God. The song further mentioned that every time we count His grace, they fill our eyes with tears because He is a God who never fails and that we should continue to trust in Him.

I really needed that comfort and it came so timely. Thanks be to Him for that! I bought the CD and I have attached the song to my blog. May the Lord bless and encourage your hearts as you listen to it.

I spent a considerable amount of time at the bookstore. I needed to buy some books for the workshops that I am conducting for the Youth Ministry (YM) Retreat in two weeks' time. I praise the Lord for allowing me to buy two books which I think will aid in my preparations.

After the purchase I walked to the Singapore General Hospital to visit the brother-in-Christ who was admitted on Sunday when he felt some discomfort around his chest after the service. He has bile duct infection and since Sunday his heart rate has been beating exceptionally fast. His temperature has also been fluctuating between 38.1 to 39.9 degrees Celsius. He is still in the High Dependency Ward. His wife is also not doing too well physically. Her tendonitis and trigger fingers are acting up and have caused a lot of discomfort. I hope the Lord will make her well as she needs to take care of her husband during this period.

After talking to the couple for a while, I prayed with them. Again I shared my favourite verses. I really hope the Lord will heal the both of them soon and that they will lead normal lives again.

I headed home after that. When I came back I was very hungry. It did not occur to me that I did not eat anything the whole day. I am thankful that God sustained me throughout.

I have another thing to share and again I want to praise God for His grace. I took a bus to SKS Bookstore and after alighting at the stop, I realised I left my newspapers and PDA on the bus. I tried to chase after it but it was too late. I sprinted to the other side of the road realising that the bus would be making a loop but just missed it when the traffic light turned green and it drove off. I pleaded with the Lord to help me. Just then a taxi came by and I flagged it down. I told the driver to give chase and after a few traffic lights, he managed to. I went up the bus and was so thankful that both items were still on the seat. Hallelujah!

I got back the items at the expense of my left knee. It is very painful now. I guess it is because of the running. I just took some medication and hope they will help cause the pain to subside.

I did not go for my driving lesson again - there was no time as we spent quite a while at the clinic with the doctor - enquiring about the various options.

Well, it has been an eventful day! Both pleasant and unpleasant things happened but thanks be to God still for them!

"May our Lord Jesus Christ himself and God our Father, who loved us and by his grace gave us eternal encouragement and good hope, encourage your hearts and strengthen you in every good deed and word." 2 Corinthians 2:16-17

Putting Away Childish Things

I came back not too long ago from a two-hour walk-a-jog with my doggy. We covered a few places and just before we headed home, I went to a quiet place by a private estate to spend some time with the Lord.

In my communion with God by one of the stairways, this word "childish" came to my mind. I may be a 35-year old man but I must confess some of my actions and views towards certain circumstances in my life are just not mature at all. I guess it is time to grow up and not be so petty and wilful. It is funny to write this down but it is something that I have to learn. I praise God that He is teaching me to overcome this shortcoming of mine.

I felt a sense of peace when I told the Lord to help me change some views of mine towards people and things. I know I cannot fight this alone and only He can help me along this path of learning and transformation.

When I was on my way home from the interview, I was standing in the train. In front of me was this lady probably in her late 40s and she was in a wheelchair. Her face is slightly deformed. When I looked at her, she turned her face away. I was prompted to speak to her but I could not find the chance to as she was not looking at my direction. I basically said a prayer for her. When the train was about two stops away from mine, the lady managed to turn her head. I smiled at her and wished her a very good afternoon in Mandarin. She smiled. We did not talk at all but I was glad she smiled. I hope that made her day.

Yesterday after the 11:15am service, while I was walking out of the Worship Hall, I saw some siblings-in-Christ surrounding a brother-in-Christ. He was experiencing some discomfort around his chest area. Initially we thought that he might be suffering from a bad gastritis attack. But after giving him some food and drinks, he was still shivering and feeling weak.

His wife suggested sending him to the Accident & Emergency Department to have his chest checked. I agreed with her decision as we did not know then whether it was really just a gastritis attack.

This morning I was told by the church office that the brother-in-Christ is in the High Dependency Ward as it has been diagnosed he has an infection of the liver. I pray the Lord will heal him soon. It broke my heart when I saw his wife crying yesterday when her hubby was wheeled into the ambulance.

Anyway, I know healing is already in the process and in God's time, the brother-in-Christ will recover.

It has been a long day for me - to God be the glory for everything!

"When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I put childish ways behind me." 1 Corinthians 13:11

God-Sent!

I just came home from the scholarship interview. I think I did badly. I fumbled quite a bit. I just could not concentrate properly. I basically tried my best to compose myself and answered the questions accordingly.

I was unable to sleep the whole night (do not know why) and was awake since 5am. Anyway, thanks be to God for pulling me through the two-hour session.

This morning is the 'O' Level Chinese examination, I hope my God-sis and everyone else were able to handle the paper.

I went to Peninsula Shopping Centre to have a sister-in-Christ's Asics shoes changed because the initial pair was too small for her when she tried them yesterday in church. I am very grateful to mum's ex-client who is always so accommodating. He ran out of the size that my sister-in-Christ wants but he managed to ask another shop for it. This is the second time he has done this. He could have simply taken the easy route and said he could not help it since the sizes ran out. He did not do that. Instead he took the effort to enquire for me and managed to obtain a pair. I praise the Lord for this dear gentleman.

Anyway, before I went to change the shoes, I went to Vivocity for a while to order a big pack of dog-food for Sasha. While I was walking to the MRT station, I met a dear pastor who was once the Pastor-in-Charge of my church. He is one of a few who have made a great impact in my life especially in my growing-up years.

After we shook hands, he asked me whether I was okay. I was quite surprised when I heard that question. He said I looked weary. It is his off-day today and he might have some plans made but he chose to spend some time with me over a cup of coffee at the food court. We fellowshipped for about 30 minutes.

The time spent together, though short, made me feel better. Thanks be to God for sending this dear servant of His to comfort and counsel me in my time of need. As I am writing this encounter now, I am truly amazed as in how the both of us did not plan for this to happen but when it did, there was edification.

A dear friend called to ask whether some of her notes we used for the workshop on Saturday are with me. As I was not sure, I told her I would revert when I reach home. When I was in the train, I prayed about this. Well, I managed to find them - they were mixed up with my pile of notes. I just notified her about it. Praise God!

"Therefore encourage one another and build each other up, just as in fact you are doing." 1 Thessalonians 5:11

Wait Upon The Lord

I just came back from the Global Day of Prayer (GDOP) Rally in National Stadium. Throughout the time I was smittened by something close to my heart. It hit me real hard that I broke down before the Lord. I just am not sure what His will is for me in this burden I am carrying. It has been for a few years already. I just kept quiet as the rest of the people in the Stadium sang - I just wanted to listen to the words of the songs and find comfort in them. I shall leave it as that - this is something that I am seeking the Lord as I go through this pilgrim's journey. I guess I shall continue to wait upon Him.

During one of the segments where the people were encouraged to pray for the family - I cried as I prayed for three things: one was for the Lord to teach every one in my family (myself included) to release any grudge, unforgiveness, anger against one another; two was for me to cherish my family and not take them for granted. Mum's weak health lately has caused me to open my eyes that my family will not always be with me forever. Now when there is still chance for me to love them, I should not waste the opportunity before it is too late; three was for my brother's salvation. I pleaded with the Lord to have mercy on him and that God will give me the courage to reach out to him. It is just so tough but I shall not use this as an excuse.

I also spent time praying for some people whom I cherish close to my heart - I hope the Lord will minister to them in His time and divine ways. I have done all I could, the rest is up to God to touch their lives.

I guess that is all I want to share for today. I was very hungry when I came home. Just ate some food I found in the kitchen.

I need to sleep early as I have to go for my second interview tomorrow morning. This will be tougher than the first but I shall just give my best. May His name be glorified in whatever I say and do.

Well, thanks be to God for the tears and prayers uttered at the GDOP Rally. It was a time of refreshing and seeking for me.

"Hear my voice when I call, O LORD; be merciful to me and answer me. My heart says of you, "Seek his face!" Your face, LORD, I will seek. Do not hide your face from me, do not turn your servant away in anger; you have been my helper. Do not reject me or forsake me, O God my Savior." Psalm 27:7-9

"Wait for the LORD; be strong and take heart and wait for the LORD." Psalm 27:14

Confidence In God, Not Flesh

This morning when I woke up, after reading my dear friend's sms, I submitted to the Lord everything that I am to do today. Her reminder in the message about God being able to see the both of us through and help us do well in conducting the Facilitators' Course basically opened my eyes to let Him lead us accordingly. I submitted to Him our fears and insecurities.

Now that the day has come to a close, I want to say a big "thank you" to my God Almighty and Faithful Friend! I am truly very grateful to Him for seeing my dear friend and I through the workshop.

When we were binding the course materials in the church office, she told me that the nervous feeling I shared with her last night had now been passed to her. She was having the jitters. Funnily it was my turn to assure her that all would be well because I had already surrendered to God our needs.

We prayed twice before the course commenced. You know what? Everything went smoothly. My friend and I were able to keep the flow going as we taught from one segment to another. We did not fumble much. In fact, I enjoyed myself tremendously. I hope my dear friend did too. :)

The chance for the both of us to work together allowed me to know her better and to see some new things about her. Just a while ago we basically messaged each other to affirm one another.

Once again, praise and glory be to our God Almighty for being so good to the both of us! :)

God was also good to me and mum. After I wrote the previous blog and while waiting for my friend to arrive in church, grandma called me to come home quickly. She said something broke and asked me to rush back.

I grabbed a cab home. I realised that the needle of the syringe that mum used for her diabetes jab broke when Sasha, my dog, jumped onto her lap. Good thing the needle did not travel up the blood stream as it would be dangerous if it hit the heart. I asked mum for the rough location she jabbed herself. Thank God I was able to find the broken needle.

After ensuring that mum was fine and grandma had calmed down, I took a cab back to church.

I came back from a concert in The Esplanade called "Scottish Fantasies. I went with my dear friend and her sister. We enjoyed the performance. I also realised a good friend of mine was involved in the concert. She was in the choir.

Interestingly I met my good friend and her hubby and together with my dear friend and her sister, we all went to have a late dinner together in a Japanese restaurant.

Okie, I am long-winded tonight. Anyway, after the meal I got a lift home from my dear friend and her sister. I appreciated that lots!

What else can I say except being grateful to God for His goodness and faithfulness - for making this day, which I thought was going to be dreadful, to one where I enjoyed myself lots! Hallelujah!

"But blessed is the man who trusts in the LORD, whose confidence is in him." Jeremiah 17:7

"Let us then approach the throne of grace with confidence, so that we may receive mercy and find grace to help us in our time of need." Hebrews 4:16

"This is the confidence we have in approaching God: that if we ask anything according to his will, he hears us. And if we know that he hears us—whatever we ask—we know that we have what we asked of him." 1 John 5:14-15

Finding Strength In Weakness

I am now in the church office, preparing to meet a dear friend to do some final preparations for the workshop we are conducting later for the facilitators. Yesterday we also met up but did not complete our discussion as we were spending some time with two girls from the Girls' Brigade.

When I reached home last night from church, I was too tired that I went to sleep after washing up and messaging my friend to let her know that I am actually quite nervous about today. I guess this week I have been so swarmed with mum's health that I simply had no time to think about what I should say and do later.

Anyway, when I woke up this morning, she reminded me that we are doing God's will. He will surely see us through and help us do well, not for our glory but His. That was great comfort to me and I guess I will have to let God use me accordingly and let the Holy Spirit speak through me.

Yesterday I also had to play the drums for the band. We were rehearsing for tomorrow 11:15am service. I was not really in tune with the Spirit and the team members as I was simply distracted. I tried my best to keep pace and thank God all went pretty well. I know I will be able to focus better tomorrow and I am actually looking forward to serving God and His people.

Well, I shall end here for now. My friend should be coming soon. I guess I will write again later in the evening. May the Lord lead and guide me in all I do today.

"... "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me. 10That is why, for Christ's sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong." 2 Corinthians 12:9-10