Effective Counsel

I am now waiting to see the doctor for the discomfort I have been feeling lately around my chest and also the pain of my right arm. The waiting time is about an hour so I thought I take this moment to blog.

I was just reflecting through the past one month or so and I am thankful to God for providing me godly counsel through a few siblings-in-Christ: some of whom I know very well; and one I do not know at all but was referred to me yesterday by a dear pastor-friend.

What they have done for me will be something I will do for others in future. What I have learnt from them will make me a more effective counsellor simply by observing how these siblings-in-Christ went through the effort to understand my struggles.

Below are a couple of pointers in providing godly counsel:-

1) A Genuine Desire to Help

This attribute is something which really touched my heart. These siblings-in-Christ were willing to sacrifice their busy schedules to make time for me. Even the one whom I do not know but met yesterday was so kind to schedule a session with me. He could have given reasons that he has many appointments that day or he needed to rest from his busyness or he does not feel comfortable because we do not know each other. Instead he spent close to two hours with me.

These dear siblings-in-Christ simply availed themselves, came out of their comfort zones, and allowed God to use them to bless my life.

2) Not Assuming

All these individuals who have made an impact in my life these few weeks came with a non-assuming attitude. They knew roughly what I am going through lately but they did not stop there. They asked questions (sometimes difficult ones) and probed me in my deepest most thoughts so that they know exactly what I am going through.

3) Not Judgmental

I shared with them my shortcomings/weaknesses and certain sins I have committed during my times of disappointment, anger, resentment, fear, etc. Instead of saying I cannot do this or that, they simply asked me to release all these out of my life so that they will not become my strongholds. This is really important because we cannot let the evil one use all these to his advantages and create more havoc in our lives or in our relationship with others.

4) Willingness to Simply Listen

So far in all that I have written above, one important area in helping someone is the willingness to simply listen. Sometimes there is this urge to give our opinions too quickly but in these dear individuals God has provided me in my difficult times, they just kept quiet and allowed me to pour out my burdens/concerns/pain.

Sometimes a counsel provided through listening brings more healing to an individual than a counsel of many words. Not that the latter is ineffective but I guess it needs to be applied accordingly in different circumstances.

5) Encouragement from the Word

Many of the advice given to me were Word-based and this really draws my attention back to God. Ultimately I will have to depend on Him for the struggles I may be experiencing at all phases of my life.

This actually gives me the desire to want to read God's Word even more because that is where He speaks and also provides guidance in how to overcome my struggles or doubts.

6) Being a Prayer Warrior

What really comforted or assured me after meeting these brothers and sisters-in-Christ is that they have committed themselves to pray for me regularly. Some even take the effort to message on a daily basis to ask me whether I have any prayer needs.

God is indeed good. All that these dear individuals have done for me lately have made me realised how blessed I am. It also reminded me that God will never leave nor forsake me. He is always there. :)

It is about time to see the doctor. I hope there is nothing wrong with my heart.

Have a blessed day, everyone!

"Gracious words are a honeycomb, sweet to the soul and healing to the bones." Proverbs 16:24

"A person finds joy in giving an apt reply — and how good is a timely word!" Proverbs 15:23

Life Is Not Bad? Not Today

It has been an emotionally draining day.

There were so many negative thoughts in me since I left church that I had to keep praying against them. I have never prayed against so many things before.

I am now so exhausted that I will keep this blog short.

I am basically quite disillusioned and many times I just feel like throwing in the towel and say I really do not bother anymore. I was so close to doing something very drastic just now but a sibling-in-Christ told me not to as it would give the devil a winning hand should I go ahead with it.

Anyway, my heartbeat feels weird; my chest uncomfortable and my right arm is quite painful as in I cannot seem to lift it up. One health issue over and now all these new ones have to surface. When will it ever stop?

This is one day I would love to say life is not bad but it is just not possible. I am just grateful to God I pulled through the day.

Time to end here and spend some time in praise and more prayer.

Plans Changed For A Reason

I want to praise the Lord for today due to several reasons. I will share them as I write on. Plans made did not go the way they were intended to but I think there was a purpose for that.

I was supposed to represent the church leadership to attend the Trinity Annual Conference (TRAC) Special Session at Toa Payoh Methodist Church at 2.00pm. If you are clueless as to what I have just mentioned... well, it is about all the Methodist Churches' pastors and appointed leaders coming together to deliberate on some important matters concerning the churches.

I was all set to go but I received a call-up to be at the National Education show in Marina Bay - it was actually the National Day rehearsal. I was in church when the mobilisation came and thank God, a dear sister-in-Christ fetched me home so that I could change into my uniform and headed for the parade ground in time for the briefing.

I will not go into the details of my assignment but I was stationed at a place where there was a rather big number of spectators. From the time the parade commenced to the closing segment I was mingling with the crowd as I did not want to create that divide.

Anyway, I got to know a young Australian Chinese couple, Peter and Alix, who arrived in Singapore a couple of months back on a work assignment. They have never witnessed an event of this sort so I decided to give them a running commentary. I also told them the highlights of the event and interestingly they decided to stay on though it was past their dinner time.

I got to know them better as we spoke and they basically love Singapore especially the food and the shopping. I asked them whether they have visited all the places of interest and they said not really. Well, we exchanged numbers and I will probably meet up with them soon just to bring them around and introduce them to some popular local dishes.

They were quite interested in my Peranakan heritage as they have heard of it when they were still in Sydney, Australia. I guess I will bring them to the Peranakan Museum and then after to a Baba restaurant in Katong for a meal. I am looking forward to that as they are a very friendly couple. :)

Actually I was switching conversations between the couple and another brother-in-Christ whom I last met in the 1990s. Yup, that many years ago. In fact when I first saw him where I was stationed, I could not really confirmed whether he was the guy I knew when he was still worshipping in my church. After a couple of minutes, I took up the courage to ask him. He was unsure initially but as I gave him more information, it jolted his memory.

Melvin is his name and he is wheelchair-bound. He was not when he was still in my church. He suffers from epilepsy attacks regularly but that was not the cause of his immobility. A couple of years back, he had an accident at his workplace and he was diagnosed of another ailment which causes his legs to be paralysed. He told me the medical term for it but I cannot really recall now.

I wanted to pray with him there and then but it was too crowded to do so. We exchanged numbers and he told me he is living alone. I am curious to know why because for his condition it is not good to be on his own. Anyway, he invited me to come visit him and I will because I still want to pray with him and to see whether I can be of any assistance to this long-lost brother-in-Christ.

He apologised that he could not recall much of the past due to his condition but I told him it was totally fine because it is the now that matters.

I asked God, as I bade Melvin farewell, whether this was His plan. I mean I could have gone for the TRAC session and totally not have the chance to meet Peter, Alix and Melvin but now I have. For that I will make full use of the opportunity to reach out to them... hopefully God can use me to offer hospitality to the Australian couple and encouragement to Melvin.

Actually the above three individuals were not the only ones I got to know. There was a fourth person and his name is Joshua. Well, he is a fellow brother-in-Christ, I guess. I had to say "I guess" because he comes from the Central Christian Church where they are known for their questionable doctrines. Anyway, I still regarded him as a brother-in-Christ. He is a very nice guy in his 50s and he is into photography. I was telling him where to aim his camera for the fireworks display but he seemed to always go off-course but I guess that was fine. :)

We exchanged tips on this hobby. I basically gave him some pointers on how to capture nice fireworks shots. He took up my suggestion and used it and he was pretty impressed with the result. Phew! At least the shots turned out well. Haha.

Well, it is such a joy to be able to make use of every opportunity to know the people around me though most of them are total strangers. I think there is a reason why God placed me there and now I will follow up on these persons and see how our friendships may develop.

It has been a very uplifting day for me... I do not know whether that is the right word to use but my spirit was lifted after many many days of being down and discouraged. I am not saying that I am totally fine because I am still burdened but two very dear sisters-in-Christ prayed for me in the earlier part of the afternoon. That time spent with them really turned my focus on God rather than the burdens. I sought for the Lord's forgiveness and I totally surrendered the people I am troubled for to Him.

Again, I was reminded of the evil one using people close to my heart and circumstances I am experiencing now to put me down. I also prayed for my loved ones whom I am burdened for that God will also protect them. I commanded the work of the devil in their lives to be destroyed so that they can live their lives the way God intended them to be.

I left that session with this assurance that my loved ones are now under God's care and I know they will be safe. I do not know how else to explain this but there was simply this peace in my heart. Praise the Lord!

I will still be their prayer warrior. Even it means having to keep praying for days or weeks or months or years, I will. They have my word for that. :)

Okay, I have written too much but I just have to share all these. :)

"Be wise in the way you act toward outsiders; make the most of every opportunity. Let your conversation be always full of grace, seasoned with salt, so that you may know how to answer everyone." Colossians 4:5-6

"Is anyone among you in trouble? Let them pray. Is anyone happy? Let them sing songs of praise. Is anyone among you sick? Let them call the elders of the church to pray over them and anoint them with oil in the name of the Lord. And the prayer offered in faith will make the sick person well; the Lord will raise them up. If they have sinned, they will be forgiven. Therefore confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you may be healed. The prayer of a righteous person is powerful and effective." James 5:13-16

I Wish You Jesus

In my earlier blog, I mentioned I wanted to do some photography but the plan was cancelled as it was still raining, even after I finished my late lunch.

Well, I wanted to walk around town but with the heavy load on my back, I decided to go home. I carried a couple of lenses just now as I wanted to capture some shots involving stray cats in Chinatown or anywhere I could find my feline friends. After that, I was planning to go somewhere dark or on a higher ground to capture the full moon since today is the 15th. With my surgical wounds still healing, I thought I should not strain myself too much.

When I reached home, I thought perhaps later in the night I might just still be able to do some lunar photography but the sky is overcast.

Well, another time perhaps.

Since the night was still young, I decided to take out my guitar and spent the time worshipping the Lord. I felt I needed to do that as my mind is just too preoccupied with a lot of concerns and uncertainties.

I enjoyed the moment of praise, prayer and reading of His Word. When I was praying for the people whom I am concerned for, a song came to mind. It is a very old song - one that I remembered singing at a few weddings where I just wanted to wish the couples Jesus as they journey through life together.

Well, these words became my prayer for the above individuals I have been thinking of lately.

I WISH YOU JESUS
By Scott Wesley Brown

I could wish you joy and peace
to last a whole life long.
I could wish you sunshine,
or a cheerful little song;
or wish you all the happiness
that this life could bring...

But I wish you Jesus,
more than anything.

I could wish you leaves of gold,
and may your path be smooth.
I could wish you treasures,
or that all your dreams come true;
and I could wish you paradise,
that ev'ry day be spring...

But I wish you Jesus,
cause when I wish you Jesus,
I've wished you ev'rything.

I like the last two lines - "... cause when I wish you Jesus, I've wished you everything." That is so true. Jesus is everything, isn't He? Well, I know God has heard my prayers and the previous ones as well. I know He is already working in these lives.

I also prayed for myself that He will lift these burdens off my shoulders. It is becoming too heavy a load to carry but it does not mean I am giving up and seriously, I do not mind bearing these burdens because these lives mean a lot to me. But I am not God. I will still keep praying everyday but I need to trust Jesus fully that He will do the rest. I failed Him a couple of times but I am still trying to leave everything onto His throne of grace.

Oh yah, I do not know whether my face shows it but one of the Coffee Bean staff saw me feeling a little sad. He came over and gave me a drink, smiled and asked me to cheer up. Praise God for this friend whom I got to know after patronising the joint for a couple of years already! It made my day a little brighter. :)

I shall stop here.

Do Not Grow Weary In Doing Good

I am now at the Coffee Bean joint in Millennia Walk. Just had a late lunch of Caesar salad as I did not have any appetite earlier. I had planned to do photography just to get my mind off some matters but it rained when I was just about to start shooting. Well, hoping it will stop soon.

It has been a pretty lousy day because I am still troubled by my concerns for a couple of people. Sometimes I do not know why should I even bother at all but in my heart I know I must press on and keep praying.

Interceding for those I love and care so dearly is very painful but the tears flowing down the cheeks are worth shedding because I know these loved ones will one day come back to the embrace of Jesus Christ, their heavenly Father.

I simply cannot stop praying no matter how tiring it can be at times because these are lives - precious in God's eyes and very much cherished by me.

I woke up this morning feeling a little unwell though - my chest has been feeling weird and it has been so for a while but I am sick and tired of the hospital. I shall leave it for now. Even if I should die from a heart attack because of my procrastination, then so be it. I really have no regrets. Sometimes I wish I can leave this earth earlier so that I will be worry free. Selfish as it may sound but this is what I am hoping for at this juncture of my life.

This period has been one of the most difficult for me in this pilgrim's journey. Hopefully I will pull through this soon because I am exhausted emotionally and mentally.

A sister-in-Christ shared this verse when she read my postings on FaceBook and it reads...

"Let us not become weary in doing good, for at the proper time we will reap a harvest if we do not give up." Galatians 6:9

As much as it is enouraging, it is not easy to practice. I will try, I guess.

Ceaseless Prayer, Transformed Lives!

I just finished hanging the laundry after coming back from walking around town. I just thought I went to check out some books at Borders and Kinokuniya but the roller-coaster of moods decided to come visit me this evening.

I happened to chance upon this book entitled "Wild Child, Waiting Mother: Finding Hope in the Midst of Heartache" by Karilee Hayden and Wendi Hayden English. It spoke of a mother's love for her daughter who has gone astray and for ten years how both parties struggled - with the mother hurting because her daughter chose to go on her own way; and with the daughter making several bad choices during this period. It also showed how both were reconciled because the mother did not give up praying and along the way, the daughter realising her mistakes decided to turn her life around.

It was a heartwarming book though I only browsed briefly through the pages. Looking back now, I should have just bought it. Perhaps I should the next time I visit the bookstore again.

That aside, I suddenly became sad because I thought of a couple of people whom I know, and one of them is close to me, who are somehow in the same state as the daughter featured in the book.

I have been affected by the fact that we were once close to each other but now it feels like we are total strangers. I was just wondering whatever happened to the bond which was built over the years? Did it not withstand the test of time?

Many times I asked God why He allows us to go through this difficult journey. As mentioned in my previous blogs, He has given His creation the free-will to live their lives but He has also provided the necessary resources as guides for them. Whether they choose to live them out is totally another ball game but one thing for sure is that God will be there to catch them when they fall and He will also provide the people who care for these individuals to be there for them in their times of need.

For me, I want to be one of those whom God can use and perhaps this period of sadness/struggle is a training for me so that should the time come for my loved ones needing someone to offer a shoulder to cry on, I will be there and I will more effective in ministering to them.

Till that time comes, I still have to battle the roller-coasters of sometimes being affected but these past few weeks, God has constantly reminded me to turn my burdens to faith/prayer. I have been practising though occasionally I falter. I am a human afterall.

I hope to sleep soon (whether I can is another question altogether) but I guess I will spend some time praying.

"Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance. Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything." James 1:2-4

What Faith Can Do!

This morning when I woke up, my mind has been preoccupied with a couple of thoughts.

The first thing I did when I got out of bed was to gather mum, dad and grandma in the living room to pray against the items related to idolatry before throwing them away. Praise the Lord for that! I just desire for this household to be the dwelling place for the one and only true God - Jesus Christ Himself!

After removing the idols, I had to bring grandma for a check-up. We were first in the appointment and I managed to meet the doctor to enquire about the status of her dementia. I praise the Lord her condition has stabilised. The people around her just need to be more affirming and to basically make her life as happy as possible. My sister-in-law fetched grandma home while I headed for church.

When I reached the office, I happily sat down on my desk, ready to spend some time reading God's Word. As I opened my backpack, I noticed the laptop case but not my MacBook Pro. It was then I realised I left the lappy at home. I was doing some work last night with it and forgot to put it back in my bag. Haha. :)

Praise God for this incident where it makes life more adventurous and less monotonous. Okay, I am just trying to console myself, I guess. :) I also thank God for one of the church staff who offered to fetch me home to retrieve my notebook. I really appreciate his kindness in going the extra mile to make my life easier to handle during moments of inconveniences like this.

I am now listening to this song a sister-in-Christ posted on her FaceBook. The words are very encouraging and I thought I share them here...

What Faith Can Do
(http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hGStix70S1k)

Everybody falls sometimes
Gotta find the strength to rise
From the ashes and make a new beginning
Anyone can feel the ache
You think its more than you can take
But you are stronger, stronger than you know
Don't you give up now
The sun will soon be shining
You gotta face the clouds
To find the silver lining

I've seen dreams that move the mountains
Hope that doesn't ever end
Even when the sky is falling
And I've seen miracles just happen
Silent prayers get answered
Broken hearts become brand new
That's what faith can do

It doesn't matter what you've heard
Impossible is not a word
It's just a reason for someone not to try
Everybody's scared to death
When they decide to take that step
Out on the water
It'll be alright
Life is so much more
Than what your eyes are seeing
You will find your way
If you keep believing

I've seen dreams that move the mountains
Hope that doesn't ever end
Even when the sky is falling
And I've seen miracles just happen
Silent prayers get answered
Broken hearts become brand new
That's what faith can do

Overcome the odds
You don't have a chance
(That's what faith can do)
When the world says you can't
It'll tell you that you can!

I've seen dreams that move the mountains
Hope that doesn't ever end
Even when the sky is falling
And I've seen miracles just happen
Silent prayers get answered
Broken hearts become brand new
That's what faith can do
That's what faith can do!
Even if you fall sometimes
You will have the strength to rise

As I pondered on the lyrics, one person came to mind whom I am so burdened for. I have sent the YouTube link to the dear individual and I pray God will minister in His mighty ways.

Sometimes when sadness fills my heart when I think about this child of God, I will remember and praise Him for the good times we spent together in fellowship. All I can do now is just simply pray and hope one day things will be the same again.

I have learnt during this period that if my words of counsel have failed to move someone, I will not lose heart but will serve as his or her prayer warrior, no matter how tough the going may be or how painful my heart sometimes feel. This is to acknowledge that God can move more powerfully and speak more effectively in this person's life than me. :)

Now, whenever I receive promptings or have burdens at any point of the day, I will stop all my work and just intercede for this dear one! That's the least I can do in a situation where I have no control anymore.

And you know what? God will answer my prayers in His time! Hallelujah! That's the promise I have been claiming. :)

I shall stop here. Time to leave the office. I need buy some groceries and run some other errands.

"... Truly I tell you, if you have faith as small as a mustard seed, you can say to this mountain, ‘Move from here to there,’ and it will move. Nothing will be impossible for you.” Matthew 17:20b

Affirmation Through Godly Counsel

I came back home from cell group meeting at around 11.00pm. Though tired, I decided to iron some clothes. Praise the Lord that I was able to get that done so that I am free to run other errands tomorrow.

It was great to have met the cell group members after a break of close to a month. Tonight's session was to brainstorm some ideas as to what we want to do in terms of Bible study. We roughly know what we want to do. A member of the group is going to source for the materials before we meet again in two weeks' time. Though I do not know what to expect but I am excited. There were other responsibilities designated to some members and I am glad that they are willing to take up the challenge.

I am initially supposed to assume the leadership responsibility of the group but have asked the members to give me up to end of the year to get some areas of my life in order first. I am glad a dear brother-in-Christ has decided to stand in for me. :)

Next month I will be going on a spiritual retreat to seek God for directions related to my future. I am so looking forward to it as I know God will show me the way and also refresh me in every aspect of my life - spiritual, physical, emotional and mental!

I pray that God will use this cell group to spur one another on in our walk; to be accountable to one another in the way we live our lives; to help each other overcome the struggles of sins; and to cover everyone in prayer as we live out our faith in the marketplace.

The other joy I experienced this evening was during a dinner I had with a dear brother-in-Christ. I shan't go into the details but he was the fourth person in a span of three weeks to tell me the same thing over a matter I am still deliberating. Initially I thought there were only three persons but as I looked back, there are four in total.

With the same message received from four different individuals, I will take that as a confirmation from God that I need to obey His leading in this matter. All thanks and praise to the Lord for the counsel of siblings-in-Christ! It makes my burden easier to bear. Truly there is strength in numbers and in the counsel of godly persons. There is also more peace in my heart now. :)

Oh yah, I spoke to my parents about removing some items associated with idolatry in the home. I have taken them down and tomorrow morning as a family we will throw them away after saying a prayer together. I hope this will remove the oppression the family has been experiencing. I also need to find out from grandma whether she has kept some talismans which she has forgotten to throw away after she accepted Jesus as her Lord and Saviour.

A great day given to me by a great God!

"Folly brings joy to one who has no sense, but whoever has understanding keeps a straight course. Plans fail for lack of counsel, but with many advisers they succeed. A person finds joy in giving an apt reply — and how good is a timely word! Proverbs 15:21-23

Let The King of Glory Come In

The Bible passage that I am reflecting on for this week is taken from Psalm 24...

"The earth is the LORD’s, and everything in it, the world, and all who live in it; for he founded it on the seas and established it on the waters. Who may ascend the mountain of the LORD? Who may stand in his holy place? The one who has clean hands and a pure heart, who does not trust in an idol or swear by a false god. They will receive blessing from the LORD and vindication from God their Savior. Such is the generation of those who seek him, who seek your face, God of Jacob. Lift up your heads, you gates; be lifted up, you ancient doors, that the King of glory may come in. Who is this King of glory? The LORD strong and mighty, the LORD mighty in battle. Lift up your heads, you gates; lift them up, you ancient doors, that the King of glory may come in. Who is he, this King of glory? The LORD Almighty — he is the King of glory."

Though today is just the third day of the week, Sunday being the first, what struck me so far in reading the verses above is the part on me having clean hands and a pure heart, who does not trust in an idol or swear by a false god.

I do not know why but I was led around the house to pray against certain areas where the idols once stood and where the talismans were once pasted on. Even now I realised there is a picture frame in the living room of three idols on it and also on top of the refrigerator, there is another glass idol.

This is not meant to offend those who still believe in these idols but taking into context that my parents, grandma and I have accepted Jesus as our Lord and Saviour, there is a need for us to remove them. I will speak to my parents and grandma about this tomorrow.

I also prayed for my family that God will remove all the hurts we have caused each other: mum against dad; dad against mum; mum against grandma; grandma against mum; dad against grandma; grandma against dad; mum against me, me against mum; dad against me; me against dad; bro against mum, dad, grandma and me; me against bro. Yup, complicated as it may seem but I prayed for everyone that God will deliver us from all hatred, grudge, bitterness, hurt, unforgiveness, anger... basically anything that is not of God.

I asked instead for love to be restored in the household; that every one will forgive each other as God has forgiven us; that we will love one another as God has first loved us.

I told God that it should begin with me and hopefully there will be a chain reaction from there.

The above-mentioned was one lesson I learnt. The other was the need for my relationship with God to be restored after renouncing these idols and false gods in my life. I prayed for that to happen so that in getting myself back on track, I will be able to see clearly what God's plan/will is for my life again.

It is a fundamental thing that I need to do - it basically dawned upon me that if I am distracted by the people or things around me which sometimes draw my attention away from God, then something is not right already. That is why sometimes when I am far from God, I depend on my own wisdom and understanding in leading my life and in dealing with the circumstances I am facing .

It is so true because in the past one and half years, I have been distracted with my parents and grandma's ill-health; their constant quarrels; the failed plan for me to enter full-time ministry; my dwelling in disappointment and frustration; etc. All these have drawn me away from the Father who has always been stretching His arms out waiting to embrace me but I chose to go the other way.

Not anymore. It is time to put a stop to this because I want to grow in God and also to be a blessing to the people around me. In the course of this struggle I have experienced these past one and a half years, I have hurt a couple of people close to me. I do not want that to happen anymore and I am praying for reconciliation and restoration of relationships.

I want the King of Glory to enter my life again and that His glory will shine through me so that others may be drawn to Him.

To my siblings-in-Christ reading my blog, please pray for me in what I have shared so far.

Glory to God and thank you! :)

What If... ?

I went to Gleneagles Hospital towards the late afternoon with the excitement to meet a boy whom I got to know on the day of my surgery two Fridays ago.

After I was discharged, I was walking towards the pick-up area waiting for my ride. As my surgical wounds were still raw and painful, I was walking with a slight limp. Next to me was this boy in his wheelchair and his mum was with him. When he saw me, he asked me whether I needed his wheelchair. I smiled and kindly declined, saying that I was okay.

I took the opportunity to talk to the boy and his mother. It was through the brief conversation that I found out that the boy was suffering from leukemia. He was due for a surgery the following week and was in the hospital that day for a pre-op review.

My ride came and I told the boy and his mother that I would come by and pay them a visit.

As mentioned, I arrived at the hospital and enquired about the boy's ward. The staff, who now knows me because I have been visiting the hospital so often for my post-op review and change of dressings, checked for me.

Suddenly the expression on her face changed. She informed me that the boy had passed away two days ago, on Saturday afternoon. My heart just sank. I was two days late.

I decided to go to the Singapore Botanic Gardens for a walk. As I was strolling towards the Swan Lake, I regretted not visiting the boy last Friday when I was at the hospital for my post-op review. I was just wondering what if I could have met him then. At least I could have spent some time with him, perhaps bringing a smile or two to him. Sigh.

This blog is dedicated to the 8-year boy named Marc Ang, who in spite of his illness, spared a thought for me by offering his wheelchair. Marc, I will always remember you but I am sorry for being late. I hope to see you again soon in a land where there is life forever.

I sat on a bench, under these over-hanging branches, basically reflecting on life. It was a good two hours spent with God. I thought of Marc. I could still recognise his voice though it was only a couple of minutes knowing him.

I learnt through this episode that life is too short for us to mess around with it. Many times we think that we have many more years to go but we forget that it could also last only as far as just tomorrow.

I then asked myself since I only have that limited time here, what are my priorities in life? With that perspective, does my ambition matters? Is it really important to earn so much money? Where does God stand in my life? Is He at the top of the list? If not, why?

I also thought of the "what-ifs" - are we going to live our lives with many regrets or do we want to make each day count so that even if tomorrow death calls on our door, we will smile and say I am ready to go?

I pray by considering the "what-ifs" now, we are challenged to not take life and the people we love for granted.

I have taken life and the people I love (God, mum, dad, grandma, my brother, my sister, my relatives and my friends) for granted. Perhaps by living today as if it would be my last, I will be able to cherish them much much more.

"Someone in the crowd said to him, “Teacher, tell my brother to divide the inheritance with me.” Jesus replied, “Man, who appointed me a judge or an arbiter between you?” Then he said to them, “Watch out! Be on your guard against all kinds of greed; life does not consist in an abundance of possessions. And he told them this parable: “The ground of a certain rich man yielded an abundant harvest. He thought to himself, ‘What shall I do? I have no place to store my crops.’ “Then he said, ‘This is what I’ll do. I will tear down my barns and build bigger ones, and there I will store my surplus grain. And I’ll say to myself, “You have plenty of grain laid up for many years. Take life easy; eat, drink and be merry.”’ “But God said to him, ‘You fool! This very night your life will be demanded from you. Then who will get what you have prepared for yourself?’ “This is how it will be with whoever stores up things for themselves but is not rich toward God.” Then Jesus said to his disciples: “Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat; or about your body, what you will wear. For life is more than food, and the body more than clothes. Consider the ravens: They do not sow or reap, they have no storeroom or barn; yet God feeds them. And how much more valuable you are than birds! Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to your life? Since you cannot do this very little thing, why do you worry about the rest? “Consider how the wild flowers grow. They do not labor or spin. Yet I tell you, not even Solomon in all his splendor was dressed like one of these. If that is how God clothes the grass of the field, which is here today, and tomorrow is thrown into the fire, how much more will he clothe you—you of little faith! And do not set your heart on what you will eat or drink; do not worry about it. For the pagan world runs after all such things, and your Father knows that you need them. But seek his kingdom, and these things will be given to you as well. “Do not be afraid, little flock, for your Father has been pleased to give you the kingdom. Sell your possessions and give to the poor. Provide purses for yourselves that will not wear out, a treasure in heaven that will never fail, where no thief comes near and no moth destroys. For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also." Luke 12:13-34

When Loving Is At The Hardest, Keep Loving

The past few days I have been bombarded time and again to just simply give up loving people because it is not worth the effort at all.

Below are the many thoughts that ran through my mind:-

1) What is the point of taking so much time and effort to build a relationship and then to see it crumble?

2) I have been making the effort to listen to others but who is going to listen to me?

3) People keep asking me to consider their predicaments but how many of them know about mine?

4) People have been telling me to do this and that, sometimes to the point of them sounding threatening, but how many of them have cared for my feelings?

5) Am I being made used off that when I am no more of value to them, they just shun me aside?

6) Am I an expendable friend or loved one where once people have new friends, I am considered useless and of no significance to them anymore?

7) Other than God, who knows the pain I am experiencing because I choose not to give up maintaining my relationship with the people I love?

8) When people moved on, have they forgotten that they have left me behind who still love and care for them?

9) Am I going to be remembered for some of the wrongs I have done against my loved ones? What about those times when I have done so much for them? Have they forgotten that I am also a human and I sometimes err?

10 Are people using my weaknesses to their advantage?

11) Do every one know that sometimes the things I choose to do, though against my will and comfort, I still carry on with them just so that I can preserve the friendship?

12) Why am I being faulted for sharing my concerns and suddenly I become the enemy when in actual fact I am trying to sound off to them the schemes of the real enemy - Satan?

13) Do people care at all? Have they ever spared a thought for me?

14) Who are my real friends? That is the ONE main question I have been asking myself lately.

As much as the questions above sound negative, I have been praying about them but that does not mean I am not affected by them.

As usual, sleep has eluded me once again. I have been thinking about this one phrase I received after I spent some time praying last night. When I first received it, I had my doubts though.

"WHEN LOVING IS AT THE HARDEST, KEEP LOVING."

This has to come when I am on the brink of giving up! I asked God why must He always ask me to do the impossible?! I am basically very weak - very drained spiritually, physically, emotionally and mentally... why this?

I have no definite answers yet but I guess God does not want me to give up. But how to persevere on?

God be my help during this time of my deepest need.

"But we have this treasure in jars of clay to show that this all-surpassing power is from God and not from us. We are hard pressed on every side, but not crushed; perplexed, but not in despair; persecuted, but not abandoned; struck down, but not destroyed. We always carry around in our body the death of Jesus, so that the life of Jesus may also be revealed in our body. For we who are alive are always being given over to death for Jesus’ sake, so that his life may also be revealed in our mortal body. So then, death is at work in us, but life is at work in you. It is written: “I believed; therefore I have spoken.” Since we have that same spirit of faith, we also believe and therefore speak, because we know that the one who raised the Lord Jesus from the dead will also raise us with Jesus and present us with you to himself. All this is for your benefit, so that the grace that is reaching more and more people may cause thanksgiving to overflow to the glory of God. Therefore we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day. For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all. So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen, since what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal." 2 Corinthians 4:7-18

The Agony Of Intercession

It is already 3.07am but I am still awake. I was awoken suddenly around 1.30am because my heart became troubled. Since then I have been praying. The past one and a half hours have been one of the most toughest times of intercession I have gone through.

I have been burdened for someone but you know sometimes you just do not know how to pray for that individual because you are unsure whether it is the right prayer or not. Well, I struggled with that throughout the whole moment talking to God. I kept asking Him to search my heart and I hope by constantly checking on my motives, my cries to God have been in accordance to His will and that He will answer my requests accordingly.

"This is the confidence we have in approaching God: that if we ask anything according to his will, he hears us. And if we know that he hears us—whatever we ask—we know that we have what we asked of him." 1 John 5:14

There were also moments when I just do not know how else to pray anymore. I have told God all the concerns I have for this person. In fact some prayers have been repeated a couple of times for the past few weeks. I also shared with Him the pain that I am going through now and told Him I am at my wit's end. I basically asked of the Holy Spirit to intercede on my behalf...

"In the same way, the Spirit helps us in our weakness. We do not know what we ought to pray for, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us through wordless groans. And he who searches our hearts knows the mind of the Spirit, because the Spirit intercedes for God’s people in accordance with the will of God. And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose." Romans 8:26-28

I was praying against the work of the evil one too. I cannot discount the fact that he is lurking around trying to find opportunities to use circumstances or during moments when one is not watchful to destroy certain good works which God might be doing in that person's life. The devil may also use opportunities to lure that someone away from God using distractions around. I basically asked God to protect this dear one.

"Submit yourselves, then, to God. Resist the devil, and he will flee from you." James 4:7

Throughout I was wondering what is God's will in this person's life and why is it that I am so troubled. All I know is that this individual means a lot to me and I cannot help it but to pray. I guess this is the least I can do. I was also wondering when and how God will answer my prayer but as I kept still and pondered, I realised I should not be bothered by this because God will make all things beautiful in His time (Ecclesiastes 3:11). I also know that this individual means a lot to Him and surely He will not leave nor forsake this child of His.

It is not easy to pray but I am thankful that I am learning to turn my burdens to faith. I am a human who has limitations but my God does not. I am grateful to Him that I can channel these burdens to Him. I told God sometimes I wish I could see Him just to be sure He has heard me but that is not the point because "faith is confidence in what we hope for and assurance about what we do not see." (Hebrews 11:1)

I have done what I can for this dear individual. The rest I will let God take over.

I need to sleep.

Free Will To Live

I just finished spending some time with God reading His Word and praying. At 2.30pm, I am supposed to bring some youths, who will be going on a mission trip at the end of this year, to Contact 123, a community outreach centre, for them to be involved in reaching out to some of the youths living in the neighbourhood.

I thought while waiting for them to arrive that I jot down some thoughts I had when I was reading God's Word.

I want to share that in this life we live on earth, God gives us the free-will to decide how we want to live our lives. He does not want to control us like robots but at the same time He also does not leave us totally to be on our own. He provided us the Bible which is His Word, the avenue of prayer where we can speak to Him, the discipline of being quiet so that we can listen as the Holy Spirit in us prompts and the fellowship of believers so that we can keep each other accountable and also to walk with each other through this journey.

The further we are from God, the resources I mentioned above become insignificant because we want to use our human understanding, wisdom and desires to live our lives . But the closer we are to Him, we value what the Word of God says, we pray about the plans we may want to embark into, we listen to what the Holy Spirit speaks and also we seek the counsel of some siblings-in-Christ we look up to.

When we are able to do all these, they give us the confirmation that it will be ok to go ahead.

What I was comforted about is this - even if we choose not to use these resources God has provided and still go ahead with our own plans, God does not punish us by leaving us to fend on our own. He will still be there to catch us and help us right the path.

That is how wonderful and gracious God is.

Well, time to end here. Need to meet the youths.

"Your word is a lamp for my feet, a light on my path." Psalm 119:105

"Trust in the LORD with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways submit to him, and he will make your paths straight." Proverbs 3:5-6

“All this I have spoken while still with you. But the Advocate, the Holy Spirit, whom the Father will send in my name, will teach you all things and will remind you of everything I have said to you. Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid." John 14:25-27

"Two are better than one, because they have a good return for their labor: If either of them falls down, one can help the other up. But pity anyone who falls and has no one to help them up. Also, if two lie down together, they will keep warm. But how can one keep warm alone? Though one may be overpowered, two can defend themselves. A cord of three strands is not quickly broken." Ecclesiastes 4:9-12

"Plans fail for lack of counsel, but with many advisers they succeed." Proverbs 15:22

In Christ All Things Hold Together

I was at the hospital this morning for a medical review and also to have the dressings changed. First things first, praise the Lord that the biopsy result turned out negative. That was a sigh of relief as I was not sure how the whole thing would turn out.

I was ready to accept the fact that the doctor would tell me that I have stomach cancer. I was telling my sister yesterday that I actually bargained with God that should He will that I have this illness that it must not be now as I still need to take care of my parents and grandma.

Well, I guess God answered my prayers and also my sister's.

Anyway, I was encouraged to go for a more thorough check-up to ensure that I am really clear of the disease. Initially I told my sister that I would consider doing it but after spending a considerable amount of time praying, I decided not to go for it. I would want to believe that God has heard my prayers and I should claim that in faith.

The whole morning was filled with anxieties and uncertainties. When I got home, I just slumped on my bed as I did not sleep well the whole night. After resting for a while, I decided to just close my room door and spend the time praising God with my guitar.

I sang and sang and this is one of the longest session I had with God, just praising His name, reading a portion of the Bible, praying and being still before Him.

The message I received during that communion with God was this: If God is pre-eminent in my life, my desires must never supersede His will. They must be in line. How true that is!

I was just reflecting on the past few months and I realised this statement makes so much sense. During that period of struggle, I was always running ahead of God. I hardly prayed first before making any decisions. I just acted on impulse. Then when things did not turn out the way I wanted them to be, I got angry with Him and the people around me. I hardly sought the counsel of my siblings-in-Christ whom I respect. I just went ahead with my feelings.

What resulted in all these are disobedience to God, who has been there trying to prevent all these from happening, burnt-out, frustration, bitterness, resentment, anger... basically all the negative things one can think of.

I told God I want to re-align my life to His will so that in doing so, there will be no more strife but peace knowing that I am resting on His promises: that He is ahead of me leading the way; beside me to guide; behind me to push me when I am losing steam; above me to protect; in me to give that peace and assurance that He is in control.

I also took the time to pray for my family and other loved ones whom I hold so dearly in my heart. I prayed the same prayer that their lives will also have God first. I asked Him to give them the thirst and hunger to read His Word, to pray, to be still before Him and to praise. When they are able to do all these, every trouble or uncertainty or strife or burden will pale in comparison to what God can do mightily in and through them.

In closing I want to share a posting which a brother-in-Christ from another church shared on his FaceBook page: "He is before all things, and in Him all things hold together. Jesus be the centre." Such simple words but a powerful and assuring statement!

Hallelujah! :)

"He is before all things, and in Him all things hold together." Colossians 1:17

Remember: Satan Has No Power Over You. God Does!

Praise the Lord for today! In the morning I was feeling nervous and anxious as I needed to settle something with someone in the evening. Then I prayed for God to take charge of the time we are going to spend together that it would be one where His name be glorified and the both of us edified. I also prayed that we would not let emotions get the better of us.

In the afternoon I met up with a dear brother-in-Christ whom I have not met for almost a year. He felt burdened for me with regards to my physical and spiritual well-being.

Again he was God-sent and in the time of fellowship, he warned me against the devil prowling around like a roaring lion, waiting to devour anyone along the way. It is quite interesting to note that this was also cautioned to me by another sibling-in-Christ yesterday and the messages are almost similar.

This pastor-friend knew I was considering full-time ministry in the area of missions at the beginning of last year but I had to shelf the idea due to the ill-health of my parents and grandma. It was from here that my life went downhill as I was in a limbo. I lost confidence in myself and started wondering as to why the plans did not go accordingly. On top of that the stress I was experiencing in having to take care of the three old folks. Slowly it became very frustrating as I felt helpless having to deal with their occasional squabbles which sometimes escalated to quite a violent scene.

This then led me to having resentment towards my parents and grandma for spoiling my plans and of course it spilled over to my other loved ones.

My this dear friend needed to run through the whole course of my journey in the past one and a half years so that I could see for myself what was the root of it all. Just like it was told to me yesterday by another sibling-in-Christ, the common target is my loved ones.

Satan always uses our loved ones to attack us because usually that would weaken and affect us the most. As much as I do not want to give him too much credit, I have to admit that he can inflict quite a damage.

But the message of revelation here is that this idiotic creature who has been going around creating havoc was actually defeated when Jesus died on the cross for our sins. The sad part is that many times Christians fall into his traps and when that happens, he or she would feel defeated and dejected.

My pastor-friend challenged me to claim the victorious name of Jesus against the work of Satan and this foe has no choice but to flee because God is greater!

The time spent with that someone in the evening turned out well and I give all thanks and praise to God for that. I have learnt not to see my loved ones as my foes anymore. The real enemy is Satan. I will be on my watch all the time against his schemes and with Jesus, who has died for my sins and overcame death on the cross, by my side, who am I to fear?

If you have read my blogs recently, all the accounts point to one thing - the God whom I worship is so real! If not, I would have been left on my own to deal with the problems I am going through now. :)

Soon I would be going on a personal retreat to seek God for directions in my life ahead. I think it is going to be an adventurous one!

"Humble yourselves, therefore, under God’s mighty hand, that he may lift you up in due time. Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you. Be alert and of sober mind. Your enemy the devil prowls around like a roaring lion looking for someone to devour. Resist him, standing firm in the faith, because you know that the family of believers throughout the world is undergoing the same kind of sufferings. And the God of all grace, who called you to his eternal glory in Christ, after you have suffered a little while, will himself restore you and make you strong, firm and steadfast. To him be the power for ever and ever. Amen." 1 Peter 5: 6-11

Change Must Begin With Me

It has not been a good day for me as I was battling with a couple of matters which lately have made me very insecure. I was so burdened to the point where I just had no desire to do anything else.

Then came a call from an older sister-in-Christ whom I respect a lot. It was God-sent because what she shared reminded me of the dream I received when I was undergoing my surgery last Friday. The part on going back to the Word of God to receive nourishment and encouragement; and also to turn my burdens to faith/prayer.

Now I can see how weak a human mind can be where in one moment I am challenged to do the above-mentioned (and the best part was I was all geared up for it) but when I am thrown back to reality where I have to deal with the circumstances of life, it is back to trusting my own strength and letting the human emotions affect and weaken me. :(

Also from the words of this same dear sister in an email she wrote a few days ago, she told me that in order for your desire to see a change in someone I am burdened for, that transformation needs to begin with me. How true that is!

How can I expect someone to come back to God when I myself am struggling in my own walk? How can I pray for someone to get well when in me there is no faith for that healing to happen? How can I change someone's negative thoughts when I myself am harbouring them? How can I teach someone to love when I have my own hatred against another?

Such irony. Though I feel I have been a disappointment to a few people lately and also having burdens for them, I think I need to put these dear individuals aside (though my heart still goes out to them) and tend to my own garden first. Basically to weed out those unhealthy areas of my life and let God take full sovereignty again.

It is not going to be an easy road ahead because there will be moments when there are urges to snatch back what I have surrendered to God. I pray and also request of those reading this blog, who are my fellow siblings-in-Christ, to intercede along with me that I will persevere and let God minister to me in His mighty ways.

I think it is time to put a stop being a stumbling block to the people around, especially those close to my heart. God did not make me to be a failure or a disappointment. He made me to be a blessing and I need to claim back that identity I have in Him. I need, with the help of the Holy Spirit, to start glorifying God and edifying those around me.

Well, for a start I am considering a retreat away from people whom I am familiar with and just let the Spirit refreshes me. It will be soon but no exact dates yet. May that be the beginning of a breakthrough that is long overdue.

Transformation begins with me! "Lord, I come before you with a broken and contrite heart. Heal me, I pray."

"Therefore, I urge you, brothers and sisters, in view of God’s mercy, to offer your bodies as a living sacrifice, holy and pleasing to God—this is your true and proper worship. Do not conform to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God’s will is—his good, pleasing and perfect will." Romans 12:1-2

Blessings

BLESSINGS
by Laura Story
(http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1CSVqHcdhXQ)

We pray for blessings
We pray for peace
Comfort for family, protection while we sleep
We pray for healing, for prosperity
We pray for Your mighty hand to ease our suffering
All the while, You hear each spoken need
Yet love us way too much to give us lesser things

Cause what if Your blessings come through raindrops
What if Your healing comes through tears
What if a thousand sleepless nights
Are what it takes to know You’re near
What if trials of this life are Your mercies in disguise

We pray for wisdom
Your voice to hear
And we cry in anger when we cannot feel You near
We doubt Your goodness, we doubt Your love
As if every promise from Your Word is not enough
All the while, You hear each desperate plea
And long that we'd have faith to believe

Cause what if Your blessings come through raindrops
What if Your healing comes through tears
What if a thousand sleepless nights
Are what it takes to know You’re near
And what if trials of this life are Your mercies in disguise

When friends betray us
When darkness seems to win
We know the pain reminds this heart
That this is not, this is not our home
It's not our home

Cause what if Your blessings come through raindrops
What if Your healing comes through tears
And what if a thousand sleepless nights
Are what it takes to know You’re near
What if my greatest disappointments
Or the achings of this life
Is the revealing of a greater thirst this world can’t satisfy
And what if trials of this life
The rain, the storms, the hardest nights
Are Your mercies in disguise

I listened to the above song on Sunday at the service and tears just rolled down as the words are exactly what I am going through now.

Then yesterday this song became more of a cry to God because I just felt that no one appreciates what I do for them. Sometimes I feel I am more of a pain to them and it hurts when all these while my intention was to ensure that their spiritual, physical, emotional and mental needs are taken care of. At times I have to go through the inertia to be there for them because I myself have my own struggles - my ill-health and my burdens. I am not trying to gain any glory or recognition by saying all these... these individuals means so much to me that I cannot use my problems as an excuse not to be there for them.

But what do I get in return? I was told to make space for one. Another got angry with me for an advice I gave. Yet another now distant himself from me because I tried to right some negative thoughts in him.

Yesterday was the last straw when I had a quarrel with my dad. From a good intention I had in advising him to watch his hygiene, I was told off by him - that I should not talk to him as if I am his father. I never had that thought and this was said of me by a father I love.

I left the house because I could not take it anymore. I just needed to be away from everyone and everything. I went to Sentosa boardwalk to be quiet before God and played this song as I walked along.

I told God that I have always spared a thought for the people I love, being there for them, trying to help them, thinking of all possible ways to make them happy even at times when I find it hard to be happy.

How many of these individuals have spared a thought for me? Instead of getting a "thank you," I got blamed for voicing my concerns/views. Here I am trying to help them avoid the pitfalls of life and there they are walking directly into them because they want to venture life on their own.

I told God perhaps I should lay off loving and caring for people because it is pointless. I know I should not expect to receive when I give but how I wish sometimes some appreciations are shown... I am a human and I have feelings too.

I do not know how long more I have on earth but as the words of the song above states, "When friends betray us. When darkness seems to win. We know the pain reminds this heart that this is not, this is not our home. It's not our home."

I know all these will go away one day when I leave this temporary dwelling place. There will be no more disappointment, hurt, etc but while I am still here I shall try to persevere and continue to love unconditionally. It is still going to be a struggle but I will try.

It is my prayer though that we all learn to appreciate the love and care shown to us by others; to heed the counsel of those who have gone ahead of us even though we want to be independent; to accept that in this world we cannot journey through life alone. Do consider the feelings of those who love and care for us. Some of our lives may have moved on but what we may have left behind are some broken-hearted individuals who had put us first before themselves.

Well, I guess there are blessings afterall through raindrops; healing through tears; the realisation that God is still near through the many sleepless nights one may experience.

Trials of life, at the end of it all, are indeed God's mercies in disguise.

The River That Brings Life

Now I know why there are so many in this world who are proclaiming aloud that God is great.

Yesterday I had an encounter with the Lord.

I was scheduled for a surgery yesterday at 10.00am but prior to that, I encountered a crisis which almost made me decide to postpone the operation. Emotionally and mentally I was not ready but in the end I was encouraged by someone to go for it.

I told the Lord before I was put on general anesthesia that I will leave the crisis to Him. I also asked Him to help me deal with the situation when I am conscious again.

I was awake at around 3.00pm. The nurse told me I have been unconscious for about 5 hours. I was updated on the surgery which took almost 2 1/2 hours rather than the scheduled one hour as I was bleeding quite badly. Praise God that the bleeding was plugged and the surgery a success.

This was not the encounter I was referring to above. The spiritual experience was a dream I had while I was unconscious. I do not know how this can be explained but I guess it is the same as one being able to have dreams while he or she is asleep.

I dreamed I was standing by a river. The water was not flowing rapidly. It was a gentle flow. I remembered having this light constantly shining down where I was. Then I stepped into the water and took a dip and when I came out of it, I felt my spirit being lifted! It felt that I was cleansed; made new again!

I did not have that choked up feeling. No more that guilt I have been experiencing. It was contrary to what I was feeling before the operation.

I shared with my sister about this. I told her I have not had this experience for a real long time already. I also told her that surely the Word of God has something to say about this.

I had to stay in the observation ward for a couple more hours. When I was given the all-clear, I did the discharge procedures and headed home.

I had something soupy for dinner and after that I gathered my parents and grandma and told them about my surgery. I did not tell them before as I was afraid that they would not be able to take it well and be worried about me which would then affect their health. When I woke up in the ward, there was this nudge telling me to inform the three elderly folks about it. The peace I received was on the part where this could be an opportunity for us to channel all our worries to God in prayer as a family.

My grandma cried and my parents were concerned but I encouraged them to pray for me.

I rested for a while and when I woke up at around 9.15pm, I decided to take out my Bible and sought the Lord on the dream I received.

Two passages I read:-

Psalm 1:1-6:

"Blessed is the one who does not walk in step with the wicked or stand in the way that sinners take or sit in the company of mockers, but whose delight is in the law of the LORD, and who meditates on his law day and night. That person is like a tree planted by streams of water, which yields its fruit in season and whose leaf does not wither — whatever they do prospers."

Psalm 23:

"The LORD is my shepherd, I lack nothing. He makes me lie down in green pastures, he leads me beside quiet waters, he refreshes my soul. He guides me along the right paths for his name’s sake. Even though I walk through the darkest valley, I will fear no evil, for you are with me; your rod and your staff, they comfort me. You prepare a table before me in the presence of my enemies. You anoint my head with oil; my cup overflows. Surely your goodness and love will follow me all the days of my life, and I will dwell in the house of the LORD forever."

From the first passage, I guess God wants me to go back to His Word. I confess I have neglected that for a while already. I thought what I have learnt and kept in my heart in my Christian journey were sufficient but I guess my attitude towards His Word should not be that way. It may be the same passages I have read before but God may reveal new things in the current circumstances I am in. I guess I should not be contented with what I have already received but to continually yearn and hunger for more of His Word that gives life. This is one source where God speaks; where God reveals; where God gives refreshment.

The second passage gives me that sense of calm/peace that God is in control of everything. I would like to receive this as an affirmation on two things: one was the dream I mentioned above and the other was a conversation I had with one of my church's lay-ministry staff last week. In that time spent with her, which was not planned at all, she told me I am burdened and feeling tired over a few things in my life: the missions ministry I am chairing; my family; my health; and also a loved one. Prior to this conversation, I did not give any update to her on these. She challenged me to turn these burdens and sense of exhaustion to that of faith. She reminded me that God can and will always be in charge of these four areas. She also assured me that God will take care of these areas in His time. The thing is whether I am willing to let Him do so. I did take up that challenge but the few days after, I snatched them back from God and tried to deal with them using my own strength and understanding. Of course I became troubled again.

Yesterday when I came around from the general anesthesia, I was determined to surrender these to God. It was suddenly so clear to me that I cannot control these with my own understanding. The one and only way is to let go and let God. Surely God's goodness and love will follow me all the days of my life and I will dwell in the house of the Lord forever!

Amazing, isn't it? Never knew an operation I had to undergo can bring about such revelation. I was telling my sister that it was like God had me sat down in His presence for 2 1/2 hours and he spoke to me all these.

I want to share this so that those who read my blogs and believe in God can be encouraged and challenged to not let the Word of God depart from our lives but to constantly read them no matter how sometimes we struggle to want to do so due to the lures of this world. Many times we complained that God's Word is not relevant anymore. Well, based on this encounter I had, it is still relevant. It is a matter of whether we want to be teachable. God is never far away from us. He is as close as where our Bibles are kept. He is as close as where we go on our knees and pray.

To God be the glory! My heartfelt thanks to those who prayed for me during the surgery; who offered to fetch me to and from the hospital; who wanted to buy stuff for me so that I can be kept occupied at home; and also to a sibling-in-Christ who went to the hospital to visit me during her lunch-break but was turned away due to the no-visitor rule for post-op patients. All of you have been a great blessing to me! :)

God is good and His love endures forever and ever! :)

Ironing Out An Irony

Vomiting has been part of my life lately. This morning at around 4.45am I was not able to rush in time to the basin... puked on my bed instead. Then while I was on my way to church in the bus, I vomited again. Thank God I had a couple of plastic bags with me.

I wish next Thursday would come early so that I will suffer no more from all these inconveniences. While this is not going to happen anytime sooner, I pray God will give me perseverance and an attitude of thanksgiving.

Yesterday I walked my dog around my estate and I used the time to speak to God. I asked Him this question - "Lord, what is Your will for me in all these struggles I am experiencing now?"

As I reflected on my life the past few months, I realised I have not really trusted God in almost every area of my life. Everything I tried to do, it was with my own wisdom and understanding. Then when I am unable to do it, I become frustrated. This in turn cause me to vent my frustrations on the people closest to me.

Because of this, my relationship with them has not been good at all.

As much as these are the people I love and care the most, they are also the ones whom I have hurt the most. What an irony! :(

It has been a bitter lesson for me but yesterday I asked God to help me change this difficult/humbling experience to something which can build my character and also allow me be more sensitive to the people around me. All I ask is that the people whom I have affected will give me a chance to do so.

Two more hours to the rehearsal for a couple whose wedding I am coordinating.

I guess I shall end here for now.

"Truly my soul finds rest in God; my salvation comes from him. Truly he is my rock and my salvation; he is my fortress, I will never be shaken." Psalm 62:1-2

Trust

I got a shock yesterday, towards the late afternoon, when I suddenly felt nauseous. I vomited even though I tried to control it. I panicked when I saw blood and some black powdery substances in my puke.

I called my doctor and was advised to visit his clinic immediately. He told me that my stomach ulcers are probably bleeding. Though he said the condition is serious, he felt that it is still alright for me to wait till next Thursday when I am scheduled to go for a procedure to treat the ulcers.

As I walked out of the hospital, I was prompted to head to the Singapore Botanic Gardens which is just next door. I decided to take the time to sit under a gazebo to just be still. I guess God knew I needed the solace. I also took the time to pray about my frustration and discouragement.

As I was reflecting on what have been happening in my life: my struggles at home; in relationships with people; and in my own health issues, I sometimes feel very lonely. It is not that I do not have friends whom I can depend on. It is just that I feel I am troubling them too much with my prayer items and struggles. I also do not wish to put them in a difficult position because I know many times, some of them would not know how to help me.

I confess that lately I would rather keep things to myself and just pour my heart to the one Friend who is always by my side. Though I have been doing that, sometimes I do not hear Him speak and I begin to wonder why this is so.

Then I remembered an article I read on "TRUST" sent to me a few days ago by a dear brother. I guess even during times when God does not seem to speak, I need to trust that in His time He will make all things beautiful.

Since I am on this topic, it is also my prayer that I will be truthful to all my friends as much as I hope they would be truthful to me. If there is no complete trust, the friendship/relationship is incomplete. Not an easy thing to practice in these days and times.

I am feeling quite tired. I did not get to sleep much as I vomited three more times throughout the night and was running a fever.

When will my life be back to normal again I do not know. I hope God knows that I am almost up to my neck.

"The LORD is my strength and my shield; my heart trusts in him, and he helps me. My heart leaps for joy, and with my song I praise him." Psalm 28:7

Forgetting What Is Behind; Pressing On To What Is Ahead

Yesterday I posted on my FaceBook this statement, "... if I do not wish to have regrets tomorrow, I have to make my actions count today."

This is especially true for me lately as my actions of today cause me to regret them tomorrow. This applies in my relationship with people - especially those whom I am close with but have taken them for granted; in my outlook of life where lately I have been more negative towards people and circumstances because I feel that life, God, everything and everyone are being unfair to me; in my walk with God where I can learn so much of Him daily but then I let the distractions of life draw me away from Him.

I had a great time with God today. I walked from The Playground@BigSplash in East Coast Park to The National Sailing Centre- roughly a distance of 5km. I decided on this route as I used to spend time with God by the beach or at MacRitchie Reservoir at the beginning of each month, evaluating and reflecting on my life. I would take those private moments with Him, giving thanks for His blessings and praying about the struggles I was facing in my journey.

Other than just letting God know the struggles I stated in the second paragraph, I also made sure that I be still and listen to His promptings.

One thing I was challenged to do is to forget what lies behind but to press on to what is ahead. What I have done in the past I cannot control anymore because it is done but what I can do is the future. This time it is not letting emotions or discouragements or frustrations or resentments to get the better of me. Instead I will let God lead me accordingly.

In doing the above-mentioned, I pray that those whom I have affected because I did not keep my life in check will allow me to make amend and also to trust me again. In some of these relationship breakdowns, I pray they will be restored to what they were before because those were the moments where both parties enjoyed each other's fellowship and company.

The restoration and reconciliation may take a while but I will press on.

I am also challenged to go back on track with God again. I have decided not to compromise in reading God's Word, praying and being still before Him daily. I will also further enrich my walk in attending teaching courses which may be beneficial to me.

I will also try to blog regularly so that I can share of God's goodness and my life's journey (both the joy and pain) to those who want to read my postings.

Well, it has been a great day. Thanks be to God for that! :)

"Brothers and sisters, I do not consider myself yet to have taken hold of it. But one thing I do: Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead, I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus." Philippians 3:13-14