Last night I had to fight fire at home. When I went into my room after coming home from my day-trip to Johor with some youth leaders, grandma asked me again how come I have not given her her monthly allowance. I had to once again bring her to her room to show her where she kept the money. Even after seeing the money, she did not believe me.
Then mum had to come in to intervene... asking my grandma how come she is so forgetful and always giving the family problems. The one thing which I do not want my family to do to grandma is happening right there and then. Everyone must remember that grandma is not trying to create problems on purpose but it is very much due to the condition of her dementia. I guess mum was reacting out of frustration. Anyway, the damage was done and grandma got angrier because of mum's remarks.
I told grandma to consider where the money came from if I had not given them to her before pulling mum away. Again I had to remind mum to be careful in using her words. I also told her that it is frustrating for everyone at home to see the state of grandma's condition but we just have to bear with it.
Then came dad. Earlier I asked him to change his clothes as I noticed it was the same ones he wore yesterday. He was not too happy and remarked that he would change as and when he wishes to. He even said things like "come back only always got this and that to say."
There and then the voice in me just kept asking me to just scream and ask everyone to shut up. Instead I retreated into my room, closed the door and just sat on my bed stumped. When I reached home, I was tired. After greeting my parents and grandma all I wanted to do was to go into my room and just do my stuff. Then one incident after another just came and dad had to insinuate that I have so much things to say. If nothing had happened, I would not have said anything in the first place.
I was very discouraged when I cried out to God my frustrations and disappointments. These past few weeks I have been conscientiously making the effort to do what is right and beneficial to my loved ones. I have to even restrain myself from doing certain things which I usually would. Though all these are not really a me thing, I have no choice. I simply just do not want to aggravate matters or affect my loved ones should I take things into my hands.
But last night, doubts came and I wonder whether all these that I have done for my loved ones are worth the while at all. I am a human too. I have feelings. I am not even asking them to be appreciative of what I do. Some kind words or loving gestures do help though I am not even asking for these. Just do not hurt me when these past few weeks I have been careful not to hurt others.
Many times questions still come into my mind as to why my loved ones are reacting to me negatively when all these while what I have done is out of love and concern for them. I have learnt to shun these aside as it is not important. What matters nowadays is so long as my loved ones are happy, that is good enough for me.
I am not sharing all these to make me sound as if I have sacrificed so much. Frankly I do not really care about all these. I just wish they will spare some thoughts for me. That's all.
Anyway, I was unable to sleep the whole night. I just spent the waking hours reading God's Word, a book and listening to music. I was initially planning to surf the net about the country I am visiting for my retreat but in the end had no mood to do so. In fact, I am not really looking forward to it now as I do not know how things will be at home during my absence.
I spent a considerable amount of time praying that God will protect my loved ones while I am away and that He will cover everyone with His blood so that nothing major would happen to them. It is a real fear but I have to surrender it to Him.
I messaged a couple of my siblings-in-Christ to pray about the above-mentioned as I was just overwhelmed. I was also tempted to do something silly but I prayed against it. That is how bad things can be for me but I thank God I can always use His Word to cast all negative thoughts or temptations away.
Anyway, this morning I did not get a chance to talk to to grandma and my parents as I did not feel it was appropriate still.
I need to go. I have to meet two dear siblings-in-Christ soon for dinner.
"I can do all this through him who gives me strength." Philippians 4:13
Then mum had to come in to intervene... asking my grandma how come she is so forgetful and always giving the family problems. The one thing which I do not want my family to do to grandma is happening right there and then. Everyone must remember that grandma is not trying to create problems on purpose but it is very much due to the condition of her dementia. I guess mum was reacting out of frustration. Anyway, the damage was done and grandma got angrier because of mum's remarks.
I told grandma to consider where the money came from if I had not given them to her before pulling mum away. Again I had to remind mum to be careful in using her words. I also told her that it is frustrating for everyone at home to see the state of grandma's condition but we just have to bear with it.
Then came dad. Earlier I asked him to change his clothes as I noticed it was the same ones he wore yesterday. He was not too happy and remarked that he would change as and when he wishes to. He even said things like "come back only always got this and that to say."
There and then the voice in me just kept asking me to just scream and ask everyone to shut up. Instead I retreated into my room, closed the door and just sat on my bed stumped. When I reached home, I was tired. After greeting my parents and grandma all I wanted to do was to go into my room and just do my stuff. Then one incident after another just came and dad had to insinuate that I have so much things to say. If nothing had happened, I would not have said anything in the first place.
I was very discouraged when I cried out to God my frustrations and disappointments. These past few weeks I have been conscientiously making the effort to do what is right and beneficial to my loved ones. I have to even restrain myself from doing certain things which I usually would. Though all these are not really a me thing, I have no choice. I simply just do not want to aggravate matters or affect my loved ones should I take things into my hands.
But last night, doubts came and I wonder whether all these that I have done for my loved ones are worth the while at all. I am a human too. I have feelings. I am not even asking them to be appreciative of what I do. Some kind words or loving gestures do help though I am not even asking for these. Just do not hurt me when these past few weeks I have been careful not to hurt others.
Many times questions still come into my mind as to why my loved ones are reacting to me negatively when all these while what I have done is out of love and concern for them. I have learnt to shun these aside as it is not important. What matters nowadays is so long as my loved ones are happy, that is good enough for me.
I am not sharing all these to make me sound as if I have sacrificed so much. Frankly I do not really care about all these. I just wish they will spare some thoughts for me. That's all.
Anyway, I was unable to sleep the whole night. I just spent the waking hours reading God's Word, a book and listening to music. I was initially planning to surf the net about the country I am visiting for my retreat but in the end had no mood to do so. In fact, I am not really looking forward to it now as I do not know how things will be at home during my absence.
I spent a considerable amount of time praying that God will protect my loved ones while I am away and that He will cover everyone with His blood so that nothing major would happen to them. It is a real fear but I have to surrender it to Him.
I messaged a couple of my siblings-in-Christ to pray about the above-mentioned as I was just overwhelmed. I was also tempted to do something silly but I prayed against it. That is how bad things can be for me but I thank God I can always use His Word to cast all negative thoughts or temptations away.
Anyway, this morning I did not get a chance to talk to to grandma and my parents as I did not feel it was appropriate still.
I need to go. I have to meet two dear siblings-in-Christ soon for dinner.
"I can do all this through him who gives me strength." Philippians 4:13
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