Overcoming Stress and Mood Swings

For those who read a recent blog I wrote on, "Overcoming Mood Swings," I have decided to take that off and re-write it.

As mentioned, lately I have been reading a book given to me by my god-sister entitled "My Voice... Overcoming... A Journey of Hope" by Chua Seng Lee. Two chapters on "Mood Swings" and "Stressed Out" struck me the most because the past one and a half years or so, they have been so much part of my life.

For those who are probably scratching your head and wondering, "Huh? Andy stressed out and moody? He is always smiling and laughing. How can it be?" Well, that is because I did not really show it except to some who are close to me. It is also something I regret doing because those who knew bore the brunt of my struggles and to a certain extent, it has now affected my relationship with them.

As much as I have been a Christian for the past 26 years and having been nurtured in the faith by many older siblings-in-Christ whom I respect and also being a leader in various ministries of the church, all these did not prepare me for the recent spates of incidents involving mainly my family and my direction in life.

Initially I struggled whether to write about this because I do not know whether people will see me differently but as I look back on why I started this blog-site, it was to share with others about my journey as a Christian. It involves the ups and downs of my life. Of course it is easier to share about the ups but if I want to paint a holistic picture of my life, then it has to also include the downs.

I have in fact blogged bits and pieces of my adventures but I guess I will account it fully here.

To start off, my family has not been the ideal one I was hoping for. Between my grandma and her parents, there were a lot of hatred. Then came my grandma and my parents where grudges and unforgiveness between them are plentiful. It leads on to my generation involving my brother and I where both of us are also fed-up at the way things are going on in the family.

Every now and then, we have to deal with the squabbles amongst mum, dad and grandma. Sadly instead of solving their differences, my brother and I also became involved in them.

The above-mentioned made everyone very high-strung. Mum and dad suffered stroke one after another. For mum, she had it twice. Thank God that they were not major ones but they have definitely affected their health. On top of that, they have diabetes and recently their abilities to hear have deteriorated.

All these caused my stress level to increase. It did not help that grandma was diagnosed with dementia. As much as I have been trying to trust God to bring healing to my parents and grandma and to help everyone cope well, the burdens overwhelmed me.

My mood began to swing badly - at home they were much more evident but in church, I tried to contain them. So many times I blasted at everyone at home - already knowing that two have a history of stroke and diabetes and one suffering from dementia, instead of helping one another, they found fault with each other.

The next two areas of my life also added to my stressed out lifestyle - one has to do with ministries where I was disappointed with the spiritual climate of the church; and the other was the failed plan to go into full-time ministry as a missionary because I am concerned for the physical welfare of the three elderly members of the family.

My health, in the process, got affected - I had stomach ulcers which I recently went for a surgery to rectify the problem. My chest has not been feeling that great. Though I went for a check-up but the doctors could not find any problem.

It did not help that my god-sister became my punching bag as I shared with her regularly about my woes. Sometimes she does not know how to help me and when she keeps quiet, I got angry and disappointed with her for not listening or being caring enough. Our brother-sister relationship has taken a knock because of this but I do not blame her for it... I have been the cause of this. She has all these while been there for me but I was not appreciative enough.

I also became very insecure about my life. Despite of my struggles, I still tried my best to be there for my loved ones. Sometimes I wish they knew what I have been trying to do for them. I am not God but with the limited wisdom and understanding, I still attempted to help them - to advise them and to pray for and with them even though there were several times when I just did not want to do so. I myself am crying out for help!

So when all these efforts failed, I just felt very useless!

To make matters worse, my relationship with some of my loved ones became strained. One keeps finding fault with me over everything. The other, we have not spoken much with each other for two months already. We were once so close but now we have become like strangers.

That was like the last straw. I became very bitter towards everyone and everything. Thrice I thought of just ending it all but by God's grace, I am still here.

I guess God knew I have reached my limits and He began to provide the appropriate people to help me: a dear couple invited me over to The Netherlands for a break. The retreat was the turning point. He also provided professional help through a brother-in-Christ who gave me guidance on how I should conduct my retreat and also for helping me avoid some pitfalls of being a caregiver and also warning me that I am on the brink of going into depression. God also brought some dear siblings-in-Christ to be listening ears to my struggles and also be my prayer warriors.

Through the counsels given to me by some of these dear siblings-in-Christ, I am trying to reach out to some of my loved ones who have distant themselves from me. As much as I am giving them space, I am also praying that God will one day restore our relationship. In small ways, I am trying to connect with them again.

I am also trying to handle matters calmly. At times when I cannot do so, I will just retreat as it is always damaging to deal with issues with a hot head. I used to expect answers to some of the questions I have from my loved ones but I have decided to leave them as they are.

You know, I cannot deny the fact that I am still hurting especially when I am given the cold treatment by some of those I love dearly. Sometimes I feel like I have become a nobody to that person. Sometimes it is as if I am non-existent to them anymore.

All these I have channeled to pray and hope that God will turn things around. I will keep pressing on but now it is not on my own but with God and a few siblings-in-Christ walking alongside me.

I have learnt one major lesson through all these - if I want to see a change in others, it has to start with me. Similarly, the Golden Rule applies here - "Do to others what you would have them do to you."

What made a difference through this journey is the need for God to always be in the picture of my life - praying to Him, reading His Word, praising Him even when it is tough and being still allow me to see things in perspective. The other important factor is the need to account my life to some of my spiritual family members so that they can offer a listening ear, provide counsel and also pray for me.

I do not know whether what I have shared so far makes sense. As for this segment of my life now, the above-mentioned is what I am experiencing. I am still learning. I still fail. I just pray I will be a better person for God and also to those around me.

I just hope those whom I have hurt and now with my desire to reconcile with them, to give me a chance to make a restitution. Do not fault me for life for a momentary mistake I have committed. Do not avoid me. If I can rewind time, I would not want to react negatively to the above struggles but since I cannot do that, I can only begin practice the lessons I have learnt in the present and the future and hopefully through this, my loved ones can see that I have truly been transformed by how God brought me through this episode of my life.

All I wanted to do all these while is to be there for everyone I love and to ensure that they are safe but in my shortcomings and being overwhelmed by so many issues that surfaced, I have hurt them in return.

For that, I am truly sorry.

To God be the glory!

I Have A Big God 2

I have been having pretty bad headache since the accident. The doctor who saw me yesterday said that it is common for victims suffering from whiplash to experience the pounding effect on the head. The neck area is still stiff but much better than two nights ago.

I spent the whole afternoon in the hospital collecting my medications and then having to wait a long while for my turn to have my neck and spine areas examined. The outpatient clinic was exceptionally crowded. Perhaps it was the eve of a public holiday that the hospital is receiving a surge of patients.

After having a very late lunch and running some errands in the town area, I headed home. As usual I was hoping to rest but rest I did not get. Grandma and mum were at loggerheads again over an unusual ant-infestation in their rooms. They were spraying so much insecticides that when I entered the flat, I could hardly breathe in a pocket of fresh air.

I told them spraying itself does not help as we need to find the source of the attraction. In grandma's room, to my horror, she has a couple of bags of food items in boxes stashed beside her cupboard. Some of them are already decomposing. I asked her why keep all these stuff in her room and not the kitchen. No answers.

As for my parents' room, I know it is caused by dad because he eats stuff in the room. I could see crumps on the floor and all.

I reached a point where I had to gather the three old folks in the hall and explained to them the cause. Instead of thanking me, as usual, I was told off by dad that where he wants to eat his stuff it is his business. I prayed and asked God to help me exercise self-control. As for grandma and mum, I told them that solving matters with a hot head will not make them better. Mum then made the same old remarks that grandma is creating all these unnecessary problems. Grandma then said that she is better off dead.

After hearing all that from dad, mum and grandma, I just had to put my foot down and told them to listen to what they are saying. Three elderly members of the family, with a combined age of 230 years, behaving like a bunch of kids.

I told them I have been trying to reach out to everyone. I have been reacting to crises at home in a calm and controlled manner... always retreating myself when there is an issue because I do not want to regret my action for having said or done something which may hurt the other party involved. But what do I get in return? No effort whatsoever from them to make things better at home. I asked them why. I implored them to pray about what I have shared. After that, I went to throw away all the food items, sweep the floor and wash up.

The rest of the night, whatever that was left of it, I spent in the room.

I wanted to blog about the above-mentioned last night but I decided against it as I was flustered. In my cries to God when I spent some time in prayer and praise, I asked Him why are my loved ones behaving negatively towards me? They are either giving me the hostile treatment as if I have said something very unreasonable or they are giving me the cold treatment as if I am non-existent. I am like nothing to them!

I told God that I have been applying all the lessons I have learnt from my retreat and I have been controlling myself from saying and doing the wrong things to my grandma, dad, mum, brother and sister but everyone does not seem to consider my feelings. I have been reaching out to them but who is going to reach out to me?

I know I need to persevere. I know I need to keep on praying. I know I need to love. I know I need to forgive. I know this is a learning process. But I also know I am a HUMAN with FEELINGS! Sometimes I wonder whether they have forgotten that.

I was unable to sleep well. I woke up at around 5.30am and I decided to go for a walk. I did not talk to God but instead I decided to be still. I just needed His peace to be upon me. It was a good one-hour exercise and time spent with the only One who knows and understands me best.

I came home, ironed the clothes and washed up. Usually I would strike a conversation with everyone at home but I decided not to today. Perhaps I should just leave everyone alone for a while. Hopefully it will do them and me good.

I will not give up loving them. I will keep praying. I will continue to reach out. I have a big God beside me to keep me going.

I am not sure what to do for the day yet. I shall see how.

During the walk at the park, this thought came to mine about my loved ones - "Sometimes wanting to be a master over something, they became a slave to it instead." The words were as clear now as when I was walking and keeping quiet. Is it a warning? To all or to a specific person?

I shall ponder and seek God on this throughout the day.

I Have A Big God

It has not been a good evening but I shall leave it as that for now.

A timely message came from a sister-in-Christ from the Youth Ministry Mission Team when she submitted a t-shirt design that has this quotation on it...

"Don't tell God you have a big problem; tell your problem you have a big God."

Neck is still stiff as it is confirmed I have a minor whiplash. Took a new course of medication for the chest pain... praise God I went to collect them as I needed to take some just now as I was experiencing some discomfort.

I shall stop here... going to spend some moments in prayer and praise.

Praise God For His Mercy Again

Tonight I can sleep much better because first of all, I know I am still alive and secondly, I decided to just bathe all my pets though I am very drained physically.

I cannot thank God enough for saving me from serious injuries or death yet again. As I was so tired after the Youth Ministry's Mission Team preparation and having changed into a formal outfit at home, I decided to just close my eyes to rest while I was in the taxi to Orchard Hotel for the Methodist Missions Society's 20th Anniversary Banquet.

Along the Pan Island Expressway ("PIE") near Catholic Junior College, I was awoken abruptly when I could feel the taxi making a swerve suddenly. Before that there was a long honk! I knew it was going to hit the railings after mounting the kerb. It did scrape the whole left side of the cab but the driver was fast enough to swerve back onto the road.

All I knew when I opened my eyes was this Mercedes in front of the taxi. The car did not stop and drove on but the taxi driver and I managed to record down the number plate. After taking some pictures of the damages with his handphone camera, the taxi driver decided to go on with the journey as there was nothing he could do. He asked for my particulars and I readily gave him should there be an investigation being conducted at a later date.

My neck is still a little sore. If it is still bad tomorrow, I will probably go to the hospital's outpatient clinic to have it checked when I go there to collect some more medication for my chest pain.

Looks like I can never break my affiliation with hospitals. I thought I would be able to avoid them after my last surgery in early July. Anyway, thank God for His grace and mercy again.

I also want to praise Him for sustaining me through the day - being in church the whole day and after that to the banquet. I was very tired as I stayed up to watch the Presidential Election result. I am sad that the person I voted for did not win. Anyway, I woke up at 7.00am but as I was still tired, I laid in bed till 7.45am.

As much as there was an inertia, I told myself I needed to wake up as it is important to worship God with the rest of my brothers and sisters-in-Christ in church. Well, from then on, it was just persevering till now.

I have learnt one thing from the above-mentioned. If I know the next day I am to be in church to worship God and also being involved in ministries, then it is my responsibility and discipline to sleep early so that the next day I do not need to battle against tiredness. That would mean forgoing the urge to stay up watching events like the election results.

I was rebuked, in a sense, as it speaks a lot about my desire to worship God. If He is such a BIG deal in my life, then other big events around me will still be small compared to Him.

Well, I will start from next week onwards by making sure I have ample rest.

Alright, I cannot write further as my brains are not working well.

Have a blessed short week, everyone! Good night! :)

"Yet a time is coming and has now come when the true worshipers will worship the Father in the Spirit and in truth, for they are the kind of worshipers the Father seeks. God is spirit, and his worshipers must worship in the Spirit and in truth.” John 4:23-24

Prayer Helps One To Persevere

This morning it rained again. When I was closing the windows in my room, the downpour reminded me of the elderly lady I met yesterday morning. I remembered her tattered umbrella and was wondering how she was doing. I quickly washed up, opened my storeroom and looked for a new umbrella. I found one golf umbrella. Though it was big but I thought she may find a way to tie it on her trolley and use it to shelter herself and the card-boards she collects.

Off I went to find her. She was not at the coffee shop. I asked the same helper I spoke to and he said he saw her earlier and asked me to head for the shop-houses further down the road. I did just that and after walking around, I finally found her.

She remembered me and smiled. I greeted her before passing her the umbrella and also a box of Swiss-roll which grandma bought. We had two boxes and I thought we can make do with one. I also gave her a packet of tea. She kept thanking me. I asked her whether she was going to vote. She said she does not know. I guess she has not done so for a while.

I am happy that she was not drenched like yesterday. Thank God for that. I am at least relieved to know that from today onwards, she would remain dry should there be future downpours. I prayed that God will provide for her needs daily. I also remembered in prayer the other elderly lady I bumped into along of the streets of The Hague in The Netherlands. I hope she is well too.

Anyway, I headed home as I needed to catch up with grandma about how she is doing after the conflict with my brother last evening. When I entered her room, she showed me a small box which contained some $50 notes in it. She was apologetic for accusing my brother and I for cheating her of the allowance. I told her it was alright. Apparently, last night after I left her room, she actually went to search her cupboard and it was there she found the small box.

Well, praise God for that too. I am beginning to see the results of how dealing with matters differently, as in peacefully and objectively, at home does make a difference. If I had done so with a hostile or heated attitude, I think things will always remain the same and relationships will always be strained.

Praying a lot also helps because allowing God to be a part of a situation helps me be assured that it will be fine after a while. Praying also keeps me in perspective and helps me to persevere especially during times when my loved ones do not respond to me.

I used to be very impatient, always expecting answers and responses from them but not anymore. I confess that sometimes I still have this weakness but dealing with it involving the element of prayer, helps me to let go and let God. It is painful when your loved ones are not responding to you but by praying, it allows me to give God the time and opportunity to speak to them. All I can do is hope that one day they will open up again.

Well, I came back not too long ago from voting. I am resting now. Chest feels a little weird again but I have taken the medication. I must remind myself to go to the hospital on Monday to get some more prescribed as the ones with me are running out. I am still puzzled as to why I have been feeling the discomfort lately. Never-ending ailments I have.

Other than that, it has been a pleasant day.

Just realised a long long day awaits me tomorrow - church in the morning, lunch with my cell group, missions preparation with the Youth Ministry Mission Team and then in the evening I have to host two tables at a thanksgiving dinner in Orchard Hotel. I am praying God will just sustain me.

He will. :)

Manipulation Of Weaknesses

I was hoping to come home to rest but when I entered the flat, I knew something was not right as everyone was black-faced. In my heart, I prayed and asked God to give me the wisdom to deal with whatever had happened when I was out.

I asked mum and she told me grandma is being forgetful again. This time she accused my brother for not giving her the money cared off to him by her godson. I was with my brother when he gave it to her just before I left for The Netherlands.

Anyway, I went to grandma's room and spoke to her. She was not very reasonable. She even remarked that I was in cahoots with my brother. I did not want to let that affect me. Instead I told her to pray about what she just said and to search her heart whether that was a right statement to make.

I left the room, went to mine. I closed the door and took the time to pray.

My brother was apparently very angry to the point where he did not stay back for dinner and left. I spoke to him just about an hour ago and he was still fuming. I encouraged him to keep his cool as we all know about grandma's condition.

All these conflicts I have experienced with my loved ones sometimes make me wonder why the people whom we are closest with can sometimes also be our greatest 'enemies.' My conclusion is this - we are basically using each other's weaknesses to our advantages as a form of defense as well as offense. It is sad but true.

I used to do that as well and the damage can be substantial. Sometimes regretting it now may just be a little too late. The scary part about all these is that though one has realised the mistake and wants to make a restitution, the other party may now use this act of reconciliation to his or her advantage and manipulate it. Well, when that happens, there will basically be no end to conflicts - just like that of what my family has been experiencing all these years.

My prayers lately have been that of asking God to take away unclean thoughts which the devil may plant in my mind - things like taking revenge on those who hurt me before; showing the other party who is in control; having the "never-back-down" attitude; etc.

That is why I am trying to deal with matters differently with my loved ones now - first of all, asking myself what would Jesus do if he is in my shoes; secondly knowing who my real enemy is; thirdly, asking also what do I achieve from finding fault with others? (Will one party be the winner or both will be losers?); and lastly loving one another!

I shall end here and go read the remaining chapters of the book my sister gave me.

Happy voting for Singapore's President tomorrow! Have a restful weekend!

Good night, all!

Tea: $0.90, Noodles: $3.00, Hospitality Offered: Priceless

This morning I had to go to MacPherson Post Office to collect a parcel which I ordered from the U.S.A.. It was actually delivered to my place yesterday morning. The postman thought no one was in and left a letter to notify me of the collection.

I used the word "thought" because my grandma was actually at home at that point of time but she was too afraid to open the door and speak to a stranger. As much as I am relieved to know that, I wish she could have received the package on my behalf so that I need not go all the way to the Post Office. :)

The collection was prompt but after that the bus rides to a dear sister-in-Christ's office in Paya Lebar area went haywire. Haha. First of all, I boarded the wrong bus which took me to Circuit Road and then to Ubi area. Then I alighted and went to the main road. This time I boarded the right bus but alighted at the wrong bus-stop which means I had to walk further.

The only consolation is that the weather was cool. If not I would have died of heat exhaustion. :)

I am so happy the delivery period of the parcel was shorter than expected. Praise God!

Anyway, it was raining when I walked from my home to the Post Office. It was a 15-minute stroll. Along the way, I saw an elderly lady seated at the edge of a coffee shop. She was drenched and with her is a very old trolley with a couple of cardboards on them. Her umbrella was also tattered. I have seen her once or twice whenever I go to that coffee shop to buy this Chinese delicacy which my family used to eat often. It is called the "wu xiang" - some fried stuff which you dip in this nice chilli sauce.

After walking past the place, I suddenly felt this prompting to turn back and buy for the lady a cup of hot tea. I did just that. I ordered the tea, walked to the aunty and offered it to her. She smiled and said "kum xia" ("thank you" in Hokkien). Then another prompting came to ask whether she was hungry. I did and she said it was okay.

I smiled, bade her farewell and walked away. I decided to ask one of the helpers of the coffee shop whether the lady needed food and he told me that she hardly eats unless she has some money from the sale of the cardboards. My heart just sank.

I decided to order a bowl of soup noodles which I know is nice because my sister and I have eaten it before. I brought it to the aunty and advised her to consume it while it was still hot. She smiled weakly and said another "kum xia." I left her alone to enjoy the food. As I walked away, she said "bye bye" and tears just rolled but I had to control myself.

Offering hospitality may mean sacrificing either some of our money or time but the satisfaction received is priceless! It is not meant to be done with the attitude of just feeling good or out of obligation but it is a platform to offer the grace of God to others. Who knows? Maybe one day some of them may even come to the saving grace of Jesus Christ.

All praise to God for giving me this encounter. :)

It All Begins With Us

"Ask not what your country can do for you - ask what you can do for your country."

The above was one of the late John F. Kennedy's famous quotations. I just heard it mentioned over the History Channel while I was hanging the laundry.

It then sparked in me to blog about it because last night, my cell group was talking about our church and how sometimes we can be unfriendly and oblivious to each other and newcomers alike.

We were studying about Prisca and Aquila offering hospitality to Paul and this led the group to ask ourselves whether the church, which we are all part of, is hospitable to those who enter into the compound and also whether members themselves are practicing hospitality towards each other.

We discussed the several reasons why we concluded that generally we are unfriendly or being inhospitable:-

1) The mentality of "I-am-sure-there-will-be-someone-else-to-do-it" or "there-is-a-hospitality-ministry-so-let-those-in-it-do-it."

2) The fear that after making friends with a visitor or a member, we are stuck forever with him or her.

3) The excuse of "we have no time" or "we are too busy."

4) The "holy" attitude of "I-am-in-church-to-worship-God-and-not-to-make-friends."

5) No sense of ownership in the church.

There may be other reasons.

When I was spending some time talking to God last night when I could not sleep so soon, this was one of my prayer items.

In the midst of praying, it occurred to me that if members in the church have entertained at least one of the above-mentioned, we have all then ceased to function as a church. Many of these are very self-centered thoughts. It goes against what Christ Himself was practicing and that is the "others-before-self" attitude.

The pre-believers will not be drawn to Jesus if the believers themselves are not drawn to Him in the first place and practicing what God has commanded them to do as a church. The generation of the future will be the same as those in the present and the past because we are not setting a good example for them to follow.

If I may expand the thought further, many times we blamed the pastors or the leaders or even God for how dead the church is or how ineffective the ministries are, etc. We then compare ourselves with other churches as in how they are thriving and all. Some are so unhappy and dissatisfied that they leave the church.

We are good at giving comments or making criticisms. We are good at church-hopping when things do not turn out the way we want it to be. But what we have failed to see is that every one in the church, both leaders and members alike, are part of that unit. When it fails, all fail. Why? Because every one has a part to play.

The church exists, first of all, for God's children to gather as a body to worship Him. The church also exists so that she can be a light to the people around. The church is not about the building. The church is about the people in it.

Are we doing our part? If we are not, we have no right to criticise others. When we see a problem in the church, ask ourselves whether we are contributing to that problem. If we are considering leaving the church, then next time we will leave again when the other church we are going to attend faces the same issues.

If everyone starts leaving, the problems will always remain. God is in all churches across the island of Singapore and beyond her shores. He is not in some. He is in all. If members and friends of the church can see that, we will remain and be the solution to those problems... by first going on our knees to pray and not opening our mouths to criticise.

We must also learn to see our time, our possession, our families, our work, etc, as God's and not ours. If that can be our attitude, then it is easier to offer hospitality to one another and our service to the church. That is selflessness! The word "selfishness" does not exist in the Christian vocabulary!

Now, back to John F. Kennedy's quotation... if I may just change some of the words, perhaps this quotation is applicable to the church as well...

"Ask not what the church can do for you - ask what you can do for the church." Or...

"Ask not what God can do for you - ask what you can do for God."

If every one can have this attitude about church, multitudes will be drawn to God! Countless lives will be ministered to!

There will be no issues of lack of hospitality or lack of people serving or people leaving the church. In fact there will be a new problem. The "Oh no! We have not enough space in the church to accommodate everyone!" issue. Now this kind of problem is good!

We want revival in the church? Let it start with us. It has happened in the past, it will happen again.

"Keep on loving one another as brothers and sisters. Do not forget to show hospitality to strangers, for by so doing some people have shown hospitality to angels without knowing it." Hebrews 13:1-2

"Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, faithful in prayer. Share with the Lord’s people who are in need. Practice hospitality." Romans 12:12-13

"Above all, love each other deeply, because love covers over a multitude of sins. Offer hospitality to one another without grumbling. Each of you should use whatever gift you have received to serve others, as faithful stewards of God’s grace in its various forms." 1 Peter 4:8-10

"... if my people, who are called by my name, will humble themselves and pray and seek my face and turn from their wicked ways, then I will hear from heaven, and I will forgive their sin and will heal their land." 2 Chronicles 7:14

On The Right Track!

I just came back from lunch. I had wanted to eat Ramly burger at Geylang Serai but the stall that I usually go to is closed. I think they are only opened in the evening.

Anyway, I met my psychologist-friend for breakfast early this morning as that is the only time he was free. It was a good two-hour session with this dear brother-in-Christ as he listened to the account of my retreat and also the lessons I have learnt. I also submitted my journals to him. He is glad to see the positive progress and encouraged me to continue to press on. He said I am on the right track. Hallelujah!

I am glad to know that it is okay to be burdened for my loved ones but it has to come with the trust I place in God as well.

He told me not to be too troubled by their indifference at times because the joy is always in giving to my loved ones what God has placed in my heart for them. Despite of their unresponsiveness, my friend told me that inside them, they know I still love and care for them. It is just that sometimes their own struggles or pride or unwillingness to let go of something or being controlled by circumstances or persons are stopping them from responding.

Just as much as I want them to spare a thought for me, I have to also do likewise. That is why I have not stopped praying for my loved ones several times a day because I know that is the best I can do for now but it is also the most effective because my God is great and He will be there to walk with them. It may be one way because I will not always know whether there is progress in their lives but sometimes faith is just about that - to hope for something unseen but in my heart, I know God is at work always for the person/s I am praying for.

It is interesting to note that despite of the fact that I do not talk to some of my loved one as much as I would like to and sometimes feeling far away from them, through these few sessions I have with my friend, I am actually learning a lot about them. I guess sometimes it is in circumstances like this that I learn to cherish them more and to also not take them for granted. What I have been going through lately has caused me to see the uniqueness in them and I have never stopped giving thanks to God daily for blessing me this kinship. :)

I was feeling a little unwell last night after I came home from my cell group Bible study. My chest was tight. I basically took some medication, which now reminds me that I need to go buy more as they are running out. I wanted to sleep but could not as my mind was preoccupied with some thoughts. I just sat on my bed and prayed. After that I read a book which my sister gave me.

I was able to identify with some of the issues mentioned by the author whom I got to know through my sister. As the chapters were short, by the time I felt sleepy, I was already half-way through.

I shall stop here. I need to prepare some stuff for the mission trip.

To God be the glory! :)

Psalm 6:2-4

"Have mercy on me, LORD, for I am faint; heal me, LORD, for my bones are in agony. My soul is in deep anguish. How long, LORD, how long? Turn, LORD, and deliver me; save me because of your unfailing love." Psalm 6:2-4

Who Do You Choose To Listen?

I am reading 2 Timothy 4:1-8 for my devotion today and the passage serves as a warning for me especially verses 3 and 4. I am alerted against men who will not put up with sound doctrine. They will turn away from the truth. They basically allow what their itching ears want to hear.

There were several times in my life when I know what I should be doing, based on the Word of God I have read, the countless sermons I have listened, and also the counsels I have received, but the problem is sometimes I still choose to go on my own way.

In doing so, there were a lot of inner strife and as much as I could, I would put up a front, pretending that I was ok but in me, there was a constant battle of whether to obey God or not. There would also be a sense of guilt. Now as I look back, I wonder why I had to put up with all that trouble when I could have, in the first place, just follow what God has taught me throughout my journey as a Christian. It would have been more joyful and peaceful.

Why waste the days or weeks or months or years trying to pursue something which I know is not pleasing in the eyes of God when I could have allowed Him to lead me right from the start? If I had chosen that path, my relationship with God and the people around me would have grown even deeper. I would have been a better testimony as well.

I am sharing the above-mentioned because I can see the difference between now and then in my family where for years I have chosen to deal with the issues my way than to let God lead me accordingly. Did I achieve anything based on that? Yes! The rift between my parents, grandma and brother became wider! I was more bitter! It even affected my relationship with people outside my family.

Was it worth it? NOT AT ALL!

Now that I am trying to follow the way God wants me to deal with situations at home, I am actually feeling less burdened, frustrated and bitter. In fact, I now welcome conflicts because I want to show the other party how I am dealing with them. I mean, if I want to see change, it has to start with me.

Though it sounds weird to be welcoming unpleasant things like conflicts, I know eventually there will be less of them because I am learning to deal with them the way God would want me to. Eventually others will also learn from me merely by the way I practice what I preach. When both parties do that, what used to be unpleasant will become pleasant, hatred will turn to love, frustration will turn to thanksgiving and burdens will turn to joy!

Well, the choice is up to us. There is always a reason why God gave us His Word. He knows us well enough to do so. To obey or not, that is the question.

"For the time will come when people will not put up with sound doctrine. Instead, to suit their own desires, they will gather around them a great number of teachers to say what their itching ears want to hear. They will turn their ears away from the truth and turn aside to myths." 2 Timothy 4:3-4

Hamster Found!!!

Praise the Lord! My hamster was once lost but now found!!! I am really happy because I like this hamster a lot due to its interesting shade of grey. When I am at home I would look for it at all the corners of my home but to no avail. I even went out and walked from one end of the corridor to the other but no sign of it.

I was just checking some mails and at a glance I saw this tiny escapee crawling towards the hall area. I quickly caught it and put it back in the cage. It went to smell the other hamster first before taking a drink and now eating the food I just topped up. Usually the two hammies will fight for the food but the other one just let its lost-and-found friend eat whatever it can. :)

Sasha is happy too as it was jumping up and down wanting to look into the cage. I brought the cage down to the floor so that she can sniff her two friends. I feel a bit bad now because the whole day I have been accusing Sasha for eating up the missing hamster. I was all set to be a CSI tomorrow just to see whether her poo has fur in it. Haha. Thank God I am spared from that.

God has His interesting ways of letting things happen and allowing them to fall in place beautifully.

Yesterday I told myself I have to bathe the pets, sweep and mop the floor, iron the clothes, buy sugar for my Nespresso coffee and also a pair of new running shoes. I was planning to spread the To-Do list throughout the week but guess what? I did them all in a day!

Because I was abruptly awoken by dad to find the hamsters, I could not sleep anymore. The walk at the park with Sasha freshened me up. Since I could not sleep anymore, I started the housework from 6.30am onwards. I was planning to finish them by 9.00am as I needed to go to the office of a dear sister-in-Christ to help her but she decided to work at home today.

Now with the whole day free, other than spending part of it looking for the hamster, I went to Mustafa Centre to buy the sugar. Before that I went to Sushi Tei to have my sashimi salad as I had a sudden craving for it. I used to eat a lot of it with my sister. I also bought some groceries. After that I headed home. I even had some time to nap.

When I woke up, I decided to go to Queensway Shopping Centre to buy a new pair of running shoes. The soles of the old ones are ripping apart from the last brisk walk session I had. Since I have decided to exercise regularly, I need a new pair at least to motivate me to keep doing it! :)

I had an appointment with a dear sister-in-Christ for dinner. I have not seen her for a while. It was interesting how we decided to meet because it was not really planned in advance. It was last week when she downloaded this new app on her iPhone and I also did so just last Saturday. Then the app will search for all those in our contact lists which have it and automatically we can communicate with each other from there.

I saw her name on Saturday and she saw mine too on that same day. Prior to that, during a sermon or something, the preacher talked about this person whose name is Andy too. It then occurred to her that she has not caught up with me for a while. It was from all these that we messaged each other using the new app. Since we are both free today, we decided to meet!

I enjoyed the time of fellowship with her. It was truly very encouraging. Praise the Lord! We went on and on and the next thing we knew, it was more than two and a half hours of conversation already. We prayed before we left!

Well, though the day started unpleasantly with a little squabble with dad and the case of a missing hamster... it sure did not end the same way! That is how great a God I worship and serve. Hallelujah!

Good night, world! :)

Hamster Missing

Not a good start to a new week. I was abruptly awoken by dad this morning at 5am informing me that the two hamsters have escaped. The door was not latched properly and during the night, I guess the two rodents decided to make a run for it.

I have found one but the lighter grey hammie is missing. This was not the end of the saga. Dad kept blaming grandma for this but I told him sometimes this kind of incident happens due to our carelessness. We just need to learn from this incident and that's it. Because of that he got angry and said some unkind words.

I was tired. My tummy is still a little cranky. My headache is not that bad but still there. I could have retaliated but I did not. I decided to bring Sasha for a walk at 5.30am and I just prayed along the way. I came back an hour later and since I could not sleep, I decided to do housework - bathed all the pets, swept and mopped the floor and cleaned all the toilets.

It was a good let-out of steam by doing the above-mentioned rather than engaged myself in unnecessary conflict with dad.

What I have learnt from the above incident is this - I can do whatever necessary to keep the unity of the family in place and minimise whatever issues which we always rake up in a conflict but the other party also needs to do his or her part.

This was what I prayed when I was walking in the park. It is discouraging that here I am trying to do what is right but others are not making an effort to do the same. How will our differences be ever resolved if so long as one party is not cooperative?

Anyway, I shall not dwell on this but to give thanks that it happened and now I just need to move on. :) I hope the hamster will come out from its hiding soon. The light grey one is just so cute.

"Do to others as you would have them do to you." Luke 6:31

I Am Still Alive!

I had a close brush with death just now. I alighted from the bus and had already crossed one road. When I was walking to another, I was deep in thoughts about something that I did not notice that the pedestrian light was still red. I stepped onto the road and suddenly there was a screeching sound and a long honk from this car that jammed its brake right in front of me.

If the driver had not been alert, I would have been run down. Today will probably be my last day on earth.

Praise God for His mercy!

I was also absent-minded. I went to Sim Lim Square to buy a power adapter for a sister-in-Christ. After paying I walked down to the lowest level when I realised the adapter was a wrong one. I went up to have it changed and then came down again. As I was doing that, I suddenly recalled I needed to buy a camera accessory - the shop is located on the same level where I bought the adapter from. Up I went again only to be told that there was no stock. Haha. What an adventure.

Anyway, I am glad to be able to blog this. If not, I would probably be lying dead in the mortuary.

God is good.

An Adventurous But Memorable Seven Years!

I spent the whole afternoon writing a report for the Missions Committee which I have been chairing for the past 7 years. Though it was seven pages long, I wrote them with much sadness as I will be relinquishing the responsibility to another sibling-in-Christ with effect from September 2011.

I requested to step down as I felt I needed to take a break from leadership for at least a year. Time really flies. I remembered when I was first approached by a dear brother-in-Christ, whom I respect a lot, to consider this area of service, I was hesitant.

First of all, I asked myself whether I was just merely filling up an empty position. I also found this leadership role very daunting because missions should be the heartbeat of the church and I did not know then whether I was up to it - as in to challenge not just the Missions Committee but the church to follow God's call to go and make disciples of all nations.

The very thought that came to mind was what happens if I cannot spur the church to obey the Great Commission. I mean it is not just an administrative role. It is a ministry for both the church and also the "unreached people group" whom we are reaching out to.

I prayed about it for a few weeks and I finally decided to serve God and His people by taking up the challenge. From one year of service, it led to the second, and then the third. It goes on and on and it has been seven years in all. There were ups and downs during this period but all in all, it has been a joyful seven years of service! Why? Because God was there to see all of us through!

I am going to miss the Committee members especially! 10 great siblings-in-Christ I have ever worked with. Like-minded, humble, diligent, committed, faithful, joyful, enthusiastic bunch! A very united group of God's servants! Praise the Lord for each and every one of them! They have been a great blessing to me.

Thank you, Park Ming, David, Violet, Lydia, Veronica, Esther, Norman, Anthony, Damein and Jared! Keep the missions flame burning in you. :)

I am also going to miss all the past mission teams from the Women's Society of Christian Service, Children's Ministry, Youth Ministry, Mandarin Service and a few of the small groups in my church... every one of them, who has answered to God's call, has made a great difference in standing in the gap between the living and the dead!

I am especially ministered by the children who have gone on mission trips. I remembered there were objections when I first mooted the idea of children going to Cambodia. After much prayer one team was sent and it was amazing how God could use these young lives to touch those they were in contact with. :)

I am thankful to God that not only the members in the Missions Committee are involved in the work of missions but these ministries and groups have also stepped up to empower the lives of the Khmer-Christians and also to reach out to those who have yet to know Jesus Christ as their Lord and Saviour! I am especially grateful to God that till date, about one quarter of the church have been or are still involved in the work of missions! Some have taken another step further by serving God as long-term missionaries - putting aside the comfort of their homes to work in the fields which are now ready for harvest!

As much as there are so much joy in serving God and His people, my heart goes out to some of these siblings-in-Christ who have once served in the work of missions but have fallen away or have distant themselves in their walk with God. My prayers will be with them regularly that one day the flame will be burning in them again. It will happen just as God has ministered to many in the missions fields! He will not miss out anyone. He will always open his hands to embrace those who run back to Him. Sometimes He even runs to them.

I am also going to miss those in Cambodia especially the youths and children whom I have known through these years of service. The reason why I have been serving in the Missions Ministry is always that one question this boy asked me on my first mission trip - "King Kong, will you be coming back again?" He asked that question because he hardly saw the same people coming back the following year and he wondered whether they cared for him.

That was when I committed myself to go every year (no matter how busy I may be) just so that I want this boy and others in Cambodia to know that I love and care for them. I praise God that this boy is now a young man. He is a disciple under one of the missionaries sent by my church. Hallelujah!

I will also miss some Khmers whom I have come to know as friends but have passed on because of common illnesses which could have been easily cured them if proper medical care had been administered... but due to the poor and expensive medical service, they were not able to afford the medication and check-up. I know all of them are now safe in the arms of Jesus. Life in heaven is definitely better than here on earth. I will see them one day, hopefully sooner than later.

What's next now that I will be taking a break from service? I guess I will use the next one year or so to be refreshed by God and also to enrich myself with the study of His Word by attending courses probably in other churches and also to visit their ministries to learn from them. I will also seek God as to what is His next step will be for me in ministry.

To God be the glory!

Thank You, Mama

I just opened the fridge to have a drink and in it, I saw two plastic bags and one box of char-siews.

It then occurred to me that grandma actually prepared wanton noodles for me though this morning, before I left the house, she said she would not be cooking dinner. That is why I ate out with two dear siblings-in-Christ.

Yesterday when I arrived from The Netherlands, she did ask me what would I like to eat today and I told her the above dish. I even requested for more char-siews.

I guess in her forgetfulness, though she told me that she would not be preparing dinner, she bought the noodles, the char-siews, the vegetables and also the wantons when she went marketing.

As to why there are the two plastic bags and one box of char-siews, I think grandma's memory was jolted a couple of times which then made her buy one packet after the other, probably at different times of the day, because she recalled me requesting for more of it.

Despite of her dementia, she still loves and cares for me so much, even to the point of preparing the food I requested for, even though she initially asked me to eat out.

I went into the room to have a look at this dear grandma God has blest me with and my heart just went out to her. At 87, despite of her dementia, the pain she occasionally experiences on her knees, and not being able to go up the stairs as sturdy as before, she still goes marketing several times a day and cooks for the family who are all more able than she is. What more could I ask for?

Yet there were moments when I was not appreciative for all that she has sacrificed for me and the family. I guess I need to show my appreciation and love to her and all my other loved ones before it is too late.

I have decided to wake up earlier tomorrow morning, just so that I can cook for grandma and myself a bowl of wanton noodles each for breakfast to let her know that her effort has not gone to waste.

Thank you, mama! I love you!

A Mist We Are

Early this morning, I went to visit my friend's wake. A couple of my other friends were there already as they kept vigil through the night so that the bereaved family could rest before the funeral tomorrow. I bought breakfast for all.

When I saw the casket, my friend looked as if he was just sleeping. I cannot believe he is gone. It was just a couple of months ago when we met. In fact, I just remembered he sms-ed me not too long ago, asking a couple of us to meet up when the Premier League season opens so that we can watch a Liverpool match at a pub in Clarke Quay. I am wearing a Liverpool jersey today in remembrance of Joseph.

His wife came down a while later and I spoke to her for a moment in private. His passing was sudden. On Sunday Joseph complained that he was not feeling too well after a tiff with his wife. He went to see the doctor and rested. The next morning, he just did not wake up from his sleep. He had a heart attack apparently.

His wife feels bad now that they had a quarrel and felt that she should have just given in. She also told me the family was planning a trip to Hong Kong in December and the tickets have been bought from a recent travel fair.

I stayed for about two hours before I left. While in the train, I was just reflecting on all the other things Joseph's wife shared with me which I do not see the need to do so here. What I was reminded is this - cherish your loved ones while they are alive. Tell them how much you love them and settle whatever disputes sooner than later because when they are gone, it would be too late for regrets.

Well, it is sad that I have to learn this lesson from a dead friend whom I got to know since army days.

I shall stop here and help a dear sister-in-Christ do some packing.

"Why, you do not even know what will happen tomorrow. What is your life? You are a mist that appears for a little while and then vanishes. Instead, you ought to say, “If it is the Lord’s will, we will live and do this or that.”" James 4:14-15

“For to me, to live is Christ and to die is gain.” Philippians 1:21

Good Bye, My Friend

I just received a call from a friend informing me that a friend of ours has passed away just two days ago. He was just one year younger than me. He left behind his wife, son and daughter. The cause of death was apparently a heart attack.

I met the family at the beginning of this year as he needed some advice on how I have been handling grandma's dementia condition as his dad is also suffering from that - just more advance. As would any care-giver, he was burdened. He was simply trying to help every one at home to cope.

A couple of years ago, I also helped him when he was planning for his wedding. I still can remember the occasion when he was proposing to his girlfriend then - he used flower petals and tea-lights to write the words, "Marry Me, Can?"

Now all these remain only as memories because my dear friend is no more with us.

Good bye, Joseph.

Finally Back Home

Hi everyone.

It has been a long flight home from Amsterdam to Singapore with a stopover in Dubai. What kept me on was just the mere anticipation of being home to see and hear from my loved ones... but no one seemed excited. Just a "Oh! you are back? How? Enjoy your trip?" and after that everyone went on to do their stuff.

I was also looking forward to meeting my cell group for a time of Bible Study tonight as I timed my return to coincide with it. I also bought some foodstuff for them which I thought we could eat and fellowship at the same time... but when I touched down, I received a sms that it has been postponed because not all remembered and because of that either some did not do the materials given or did not bring them to work because they got the date wrong. Tonight's meeting is actually already a postponement from last week's as a couple of us were not in town.

If I had known about the postponement earlier, I might have extended my stay in Amsterdam by a few days. Now I just hope the foodstuff can be kept till next week... some were already melting in my suitcase.

Anyway, praise God at least the flight went smoothly and that I am able to be back home safely to see and hear from my loved ones.

After the immigration clearance at Changi Airport, I went to collect my stuff at the conveyor belt. I was a bit worried for one of the items I checked in as it was quite fragile but the staff in Amsterdam told me it should be fine if I checked it in as an odd-size item. They even pasted so many fragile stickers on them but when I saw the box moving towards me, it was dented and all. I was thankful though that the contents were okay when I examined them at home. Many of the stuff in my luggage was not in good shape too but it happens.

I just finished unpacking, did the laundry and also swept the floor.

After this I will go spend some time in prayer and praise. Not the kind of return I was expecting but nevermind, I shall just surrender everything to God and move on.

All I can day is this - I am back to the reality of life. At the retreat, I prayed for an ideal situation to happen hopefully when I come back. Perhaps it will not happen immediately. While hoping for things to get better, I guess I cannot be disappointed easily but to just practice what God has taught me in the past one week or so.

I shall key off now.

Good night.

A Time Of Refreshing Indeed!

I did not really sleep much last night as I was busy packing. After that I was just spending some time praying - asking God to help me when I go back to Singapore. I would want to say "go back to the routines" but I shall try to see how I can break that and make life less mundane. I also allocated some time just praising God for all that He went through with me in my retreat - listening to me when I shared my heart out with Him (my hurts, fears, disappointments, frustrations, disillusionment, doubts, etc), allowing Him to speak to me by being still and also reading His Word, and also using people like George and Laurel to provide me counsel.

I am going home with mixed feelings - I am excited but at the same time, burdened. I desire to improve my relationship with my loved ones but a lot depends on whether they want to or not. I still sense a wall being built by some of them but I will not let that affect me. I guess I will persevere in this and hopefully time will show them my sincerity in building my relationship with them.

Yesterday and today my chest feels a little tight but the medication helps. Praise God for that.

I just had another round of yummy breakfast with Laurel and the family. George has left for work so he could not join us.

I am going to miss the four of them and truly I been ministered through their lives this past one week. May God continue to bless and keep them in everything they do and may their lives shine brightly as they serve God and His people here in The Netherlands.

Okie, I shall do some last-minute packing. I am trying to squeeze everything I bought into the little luggage I brought. It looks impossible. Though George lent me a small bag, I shall try to see whether I can make do without it. I think I am crazy to have overbought one particular item but they have been purchased and now I am praying for a miracle that my luggage will expand just a little more. Haha. What is left are my toiletry and the cables/chargers bags. :)

I am going to miss this place and the people but life must go on!

Thank God For Family And Friends!

I am now in the cafe that I always come to do my reflection and also to have my drinks. I wanted to meet the friendly staff I got to know but they are not on their shifts today. This means I will not have the chance to see them again since I will be heading for the airport tomorrow in the late morning. Sigh. I wanted to have a photo taken with them.

Anyway, I will miss this place. Praise the Lord for providing me such a conducive environment to do my reflection once in a while. I am also going to miss the beach and the parks. It is always nice to go to these places when the weather is cool and dry. I do enjoy doing this in Singapore as well but after that I will be soaked in my own perspiration. No matter what, praise God for the opportunities in the past one week.

I am also going to miss the lady by the street begging for money. She probably has her reasons for doing this. Whether she could have tried looking for a job instead of begging, I shall not question. All I hope is that she was blest yesterday when I gave her the sandwich and coffee. I think I will give her some more food later since it would be my last time seeing her. I probably may not see her ever again but I hope God has answered my prayers in providing for her daily needs.

I will also be giving her a tract which I took from Trinity International Church. Yesterday's sermon ended with a challenge to be a witness for God wherever He sends us. The preacher also provided the tracts so that the congregation can use them in their offices and schools. I do not know why I took one then but now I guess it is meant for the elderly lady. I pray the words will minister to her.

My stay here in The Netherlands would not have been possible if not for George, Laurel, Ben and Isaac. I praise God for their hospitality and ministry to me. When I was asked by the couple to come over, I was hesitant but God made a way. Now that I am here, I have no regrets coming because God has taught me loads. I am learning to let Him take control of every area of my life. It is still a struggle but not as bad as two months ago.

The four dear siblings-in-Christ have shown me how a Christian family unit should function and I will put to practice what they have taught me - simply by their testimonies. I also cherish the counsel given to me in the struggles I am going through with my loved ones.

All I can say is that I will persevere. Things may not go the way I hope it to be now but in God's time, He will make all things beautiful. I have been reminded how important relationships with my loved ones are. I forgot about it when I was struggling with having to handle the pressures of life in the past one and half years and interestingly it has to do with my loved ones. It is time to change my attitude and love each one of them as God would and for who they are. It does not matter whether they acknowledge my love or not but I will continue to do so even at times when it hurts.

This is who Andy is and I will not let the views and suspicions/doubts of others stop me from loving unconditionally. God has given me grandma, mum, dad, my brother and also a god-sister so that I can begin practicing loving one another in this family unit first. I pray and hope to get that right before I love others outside my family.

In future if God so desires that I have a wife whom I can love and start my own family, then all praise to Him but for now, the above 5 individuals will be my family. My god-sister may not be my blood sister but she will always be regarded as my sister. Praise God for her!

That said, I am also going to miss Laurel's delicious food. I think I have put back on some of the kilos I lost after my surgery but I enjoyed every dish she made for the family and I.

Of course I will also miss the two boys - they can talk on and on and on. Praise God that they have been a constant entertainment for me. Hope the braces that they will be putting on today will not stop them from eating a cow each daily. Their big appetite amazes me!!!

Well, I think I shall stop here for now as I need to do another internet check-in for my flight now.

Looking Forward To Going Home

I am in the train now to Amsterdam. I am visiting the Zaans Schans on my last full day in The Netherlands. Interestingly I am not feeling sad that I am leaving for home soon. I guess knowing that this is not really a holiday but a retreat, it does not give me that pressure that I need to visit as many tourist attractions as I should.

I hope I boarded the right train because there are so many stop-overs. I asked the locals and they said it is the right one so I shall trust them.

I am like a zombie now because I only had about three hours of proper sleep. Since I was tossing and turning on my bed, I decided to listen to some music. I guess my mind was very active as I was reflecting on a lot of things pertaining to what God has taught me and how I am going to apply them when I go back.

I do not want to commit the same mistakes as I did before. I am also praying for mending of relationships with my loved ones and do what is pleasing in God's sight and edifying to those close to my heart.

I am excited to see what God can do through the above desire I have but at the same time I am afraid that I may fail. Then again, I should not let that stop me from trying and trying. I also must remind myself constantly that I should not depend on my own strength and wisdom but to remember always that God is there to help me.

Well, I pray I will enjoy myself fully today. It is my one and only day that I am actually doing touring. I am sure I will have a great adventure going to places I have not been to.

I shall blog again when I am back to George and Laurel's home... that is if I do not get lost. :)

An Open Book

This morning I received an anonymous note from someone who happened to chance upon my blog-site and commented on why am I sharing my life so publicly that others can read about it.

My answer to that question is this - my life is an open book. In fact my walk with God is not supposed to be private because I am no different from another person. We are like fellow pilgrims on the same journey. If we are all experiencing the same circumstances (be it pleasant or unpleasant) but at different times of our lives, then nothing is too private about it. What I am going through now, you may go through it some day and vice versa.

That said, why not then share our experiences and lessons with one another so that we can avoid the pitfalls of life? Of course one may choose not to subscribe fully to the lesson learnt from another but at least it gives us an idea as to how we can overcome that same circumstance. It may also serve as a warning to us if we are at certain crossroads of our lives where a major decision needs to be considered.

As a Christian, I blog about my adventures because I hope to testify of the Lord's goodness and faithfulness to others. When I fail at certain phases of my life, I share my struggles so that those reading my blogs and sharing the same faith as I am can pray for me. It does not stop there... I will continue to blog about the process and hopefully it will come to a point where I have successfully overcome that trial and in that, God's name will be praised.

I have no qualms in sharing this - it is also my desire that others may find God in their lives simply through reading my testimonies and hopefully through Him, they too will find hope in whatever they may be going through.

I had one feedback given to me a few years ago when I started blogging. It was a concern by that person and I appreciate his kind gesture. He said, "Andy, you are a prominent leader of the church, you should be careful in what you share about yourself on the blogsite."

I noted his point but my reply was this - I may be a leader but I am also a human. I fail occasionally, whether in the decisions I have to make in life or in my relationship with others. I also told him I do not want to paint an ideal picture of a leader who needs to be perfect all the time. It will not happen and it is also not a fact.

This is to allow future leaders to acknowledge that it is alright to fail at times. It also removes this mentality that leaders need to always be in tip-top condition. Of course it is ideal but it is just not possible all the time. In fact that leader may simply burn out, not because of the amount of responsibilities given to him or her but by trying very hard all the time to portray a perfect image.

That is just my views on the comment made. Others may see it differently and I have no issues about that.

I just finished playing a game of Pictionary with George and his family. It was the battle of the sexes and the guys won in the end.

I went to Trinity International Church this morning to worship God. The experience was like that of heaven except that it is here on earth. As the word, "International," suggests, there were people of different nationalities and languages coming together to worship God. There were Africans, Singaporeans, Americans, English, Dutch, etc. It was just a different experience.

After service, we went to a Chinese restaurant in Chinatown for lunch. We had dim sum. We ate so much that I was not able to have dinner. This is by far the heaviest meal I have consumed since my surgery.

When we were done with that, George and his family went back home while I stayed on in town. It was not to shop. I basically went to a small park near the Parliament House to speak with God about something. I felt better after that. I shall leave it as that.

I went to buy a sandwich and a cup of hot coffee. I gave them to an elderly lady whom I have come across several times in the past few days along one of the shopping alleys, begging for money. She could not speak English but I am glad she accepted the food and drink. She went to a quieter spot to have a sip or two of the coffee. I hope God will continue to provide for her daily needs.

After that I headed back to George and Laurel's home to do some reading. I napped shortly after.

Well, tomorrow is officially my last full day in The Netherlands. I will fly off on Tuesday afternoon and will arrive in Singapore on Wednesday afternoon. I praise God for allowing me to come on this trip. He has taught me much in the 5-day retreat I had and I pray He will guide me as I put to practice what I have learnt when I go back to the reality of life in Singapore. Though I did not get to shop and tour much, those were not my objective in the first place and I do not feel that it was a loss not doing so.

I would like to key off by saying that life is still not bad even though my journey lately has been on the low. It is picking up. These couple of weeks, I am learning and adapting. Painful but hopefully this is enough for me to be a blessing again to God and others especially my loved ones.

To Him be the glory!

Have a blessed week, everyone.

My Day Five Reflection

A cold and wet weather marks the end of my Five-Day Retreat with God. As I went through each day of reflection focusing on different areas or people in my life, the time spent with God was good. He knows my every thought so no matter what I write in the journal, there is no point kidding Him. I just had to come clean with Him and also with my two dear siblings-in-Christ here in The Haag.

Tears were shed - during my sharing with my dear brother and sister-in-Christ. I even broke down writing my thoughts while in the train to Amsterdam. It was embarrassing as there was this lady sitting directly in front of me and suddenly this Chinese man opposite her started having watery eyes and sniffing. Yesterday when I was by the beach sitting on the longest breakwater I have ever come across, I just let my heart out to God.

Knees were bowed - in the privacy of the room seeking for God's forgiveness for my waywardness in the past 1 1/2 years and also in being a stumbling block to grandma, parents, brother, sister and also some friends.

I told God I have had enough of living such a lifestyle and I want a breakthrough, a transformation. He has always been there but I have never fully tapped on the power of God to pull me through my struggles. I want to do that right now.

Romans 8 is the passage for my reflection today and it was a timely message for me. I want to live my life through the Holy Spirit because I want my mind set on what the Spirit desires (Rom 8:5).

My life has revolved around prayer the past one month or so. I have tried all I could in dealing with the struggles I am experiencing and I have been at my wit's end. The only channel which is still opened is prayer and I will do so continually. Sometimes I have been praying for my loved ones till I do not know how else to pray and this is where I have been asking the Holy Spirit to intercede on my behalf. It is comforting to know this because then the prayer does not cease even when I have exhausted all the areas I could think of (Romans 8:26-27).

I shall side-track here for a while - the sun is out! Nice to see that through the windows in my room. :)

The past two months, I have been down to my pits. Many times I do not know what else to do and there were occasions when I felt so hopeless but Romans 8:28 reminded me that "in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to His purpose." I hope I am called according to God's purpose. I am also reminded of my identity in Him that I am more than conquerors, as stated in Romans 8:37 - "that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate me from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus, my Lord." (Romans 8:38-39)

As I kept still before God just now, a realisation came to mind that now I am living with the desires to do what God has prompted me throughout these five days of retreat but what happens when I go back to the reality of life? I am away from where my struggles are. I am here in The Netherlands now. What will happen when I go back to Singapore where I have to continue taking care of grandma and parents, handle their occasion squabbles, deal with certain broken relationships I am experiencing, and having to go through my own life. I know it is not going to be easy but with what I have learnt, I know I am able to handle every of these areas more positively and even if I fall occasionally, so be it. I am still a conqueror and God will help me through eventually. Well, I guess my future blogs should be able to reveal whether I am able to handle things differently especially in a manner pleasing to God and edifying to the people involved.

Well, I will keep the prayer journal which my sister gave me closed to my heart because in it are precious lessons I have learnt in my different encounters with God during this 5-day retreat. I will continue to jot my thoughts down occasionally and may God continue to reveal to me more precious lessons I can learn in the course of my pilgrim's progress.

While I was worshipping God, the words of a song have convicted me and it will be my song of prayer from here onwards...

WHEN IT'S ALL BEEN SAID AND DONE

When it's all been said and done,
there is just one thing that matters -
did I do my best to live for truth?
Did I live my life for you?

When it's all been said and done,
all my treasures will mean nothing -
only what I have done
for love's rewards
will stand the test of time.

Lord, your mercy is so great -
that you look beyond our weakness;
that you found purest gold in miry clay,
turning sinners into saints.

I will always sing your praise
here on earth and in heaven after -
for you've joined me at my true home
when it's all been said and done.
You're my life when life is gone...

Amen.

I shall end here. It is almost dinner time. I think I shall not go for the Firework Festival as it will end late and I have a church service to attend in the morning.

To God be the glory!

My Day Four Reflection

I decided to take a longer time to consider what and how I should blog about my Day Four Reflection which I did yesterday. I do not know whether I should conclude that this reflection is the hardest but no matter what I was very honest with God about what I am going through now and how I have been feeling lately with regards to the focus of the day which I will not say. Sorry about being vague here.

Other than the struggles I have been facing with my family and also my life, it has taken an effect on me with regards to the way I have been carrying myself as a brother to another.

To sum it up, I have been a stumbling block. I regret it now but the damage has been done. Throughout the session with God yesterday, I asked Him to bring healing, reconciliation and restoration to this broken relationship. I pray the person affected will give me a chance to learn from this episode of my life which I can frankly say I have never and would never wish to experience.

As I was answering some very difficult questions, here are the lessons I have learnt about relationship with another:-

1) My walk with the Lord plays a big role in maintaining a healthy relationship;
2) I must not take another for granted;
3) I must not be too protective;
4) I must not be insensitive;
5) I should not have placed too high of an expectation on the other party;
6) I should always focus on the strengths of the person. Affirmation to another is always better than being judgmental or critical;
7) There must be trust (other than love which is the heartbeat of any relationship).

I wish I could have been more mindful of the above-mentioned sooner than later. Point number 6 helped me see the beauty of that individual. I was asked to write down all the pleasant and unpleasant things of that person. Well, for the former, there were 5 pages loads of it; and for the latter, less than a page. But the sad part in many relationships is that we focus on the unpleasant.

There came a point in my reflection by the beach of Scheveningen where I asked God whether it is all my fault. I mean, it takes two hands to clap, right? As I kept still and pondered, all I can say is this - it does not matter. So what if I know the other party is at fault too, does it make me feel better? It does not because it has already happened. What matters, as I have mentioned in my previous blog, is what am I going to do from here? Past is always past. I can learn from it but I must not let regrets stop me from moving ahead.

These past two months or so, I have not been able to be me as I do not know how I should carry myself in the presence of the person but I need to overcome this. I have to continue to be Andy Chew (the pleasant part of me, that is). I also need to stop being apologetic. I have already sought forgiveness - whether I have been forgiven fully is now up to the other party. As for me, I must move on and keep praying that the person will forgive me 100% and that one day the relationship will be rebuilt!

All of the above-mentioned sound as if it is so easy for me to pen my thoughts but it is not. I have struggled and wrestled with God on this for the past two months. So much tears have been shed. Constant accusations from the evil one which made me doubt about myself several times. The constant pain I feel in my heart (a friend once told me the chest pain I have been experiencing may be due to this struggle).

I wish I can be more precise and detailed in this blog but I should not. I hope I made sense so far amidst the vagueness.

Well, I have been praying about this several times a day and will continue to do so. I long for the day when my fellowship with the other party will be fully restored. It may take weeks, months or years but I will look forward to it. This dear individual means a lot to me.

Other than my reflection, I went back to join George and his family to celebrate Laurel's mum's birthday. She arrived from India yesterday with Laurel's cousin. We had chicken briyani and chocolate cake baked by George and Laurel's two sons, Ben and Isaac.

After that it was off to the Fireworks Festival. I did not get much nice shots as it was too smokey. Maybe tonight's will be nicer.

We came home just before midnight and I have not had much sleep - probably just three hours or so.

Today is the last day of my reflection. Looking forward to it already. :)

Have a restful weekend, everyone.

My Day Three Reflection

I just realised all my blogs written here in The Netherlands are in Singapore time because I did not change the settings on my MacBook Pro. If you are confused with the time of my postings, ignore them. Sorry about it.

I am blogging now in the same cafe which I have been at for the past two days. I have already made a couple of friends here because they kept seeing me. :) I ordered orange and banana juice this time round. There were a few glasses already made but they chose to do a fresh one for me. Praise the Lord for them.

I have just completed my reflection for the day and today is on my family. The questions posed to me were thought-provoking. There was a point when I was answering a question on what are the strengths of my parents, grandma and brother, tears began to well up as I jotted them down. What really hit me was this - all these while I have been focusing on their weaknesses and because of that, I harboured grudge and hatred and I was also angry with them. It just made my living with them very difficult.

Because this retreat forces me to really ponder on the questions and challenges me to answer them as honestly as possible, it opened my eyes to the strengths I have never thought of in the lives of my family members. It helps me to see them in a new light.

The hardest question was this - "What are some physical and/or emotional hurts that your family members have inflicted on you?

I will not share them here as I do not see the need to but there was a breakthrough as I recorded every hurt I can remember from the time I was a boy to now, a 39-year old man. It was painful as I tried to recall them. As I spent some time in quiet after feeling very exhausted answering just this one question, God revealed in me that all this while, though I am in the current year of 2011, I have actually been living in the past especially during the period when I was at my most rebellious, which was also the time when I was abused the most, both physically and emotionally.

I was challenged to leave that behind. What is past is past. What matters is the present! This bondage must be broken and I told the Lord I want it gone.

The things I mentioned above are not really that new because God has been revealing bit by bit what I need to do in the past few weeks. All these have reinforced the need for me to focus on the strengths of my family and to live in the present and make right what was wrong in the past. That is why the past three weeks or so, I have made it a point to be careful in the way I react to situations at home. I want myself and the family to know that we can deal with matters differently... with the help of the Lord.

Then came another tough question which only applies to my family since we are Christians. The question was - "Do you desire for your brother to know Jesus as his personal Lord and Saviour? If yes, how can you and your family lead him to the saving grace of Jesus Christ?

I reflected on this when I was on a river cruise in Amsterdam and below are some things that my parents, grandma and I need to do:-

1) We need to get our fundamentals right.

Though the four of us are Christians, we hardly behave like Christians at home. I am praying and hoping that when I go back to Singapore, I will encourage my parents and grandma to join me in regular prayer and Bible-study sessions. I also desire for us to fellowship regularly so that the time spent can be used to build each other up by sharing our joys and woes with one another. I am not going to jump into doing too many at one go but if I can get the four of us to just come and pray together, that is already a good start. I have been doing with them individually. I shall see whether they are now comfortable to do it as a family.

2) We need to repent from our sins and learn to overcome our weaknesses/shortcomings.

I hope as we begin to pray with and for one another, God will also open our eyes to the sins we have been committing as a family and also the weaknesses/shortcomings in each of us. Only through repentance will we be able to move on and be transformed. Of course it will not happen overnight but I am beginning to see every one's heart being softened lately. I pray this would lead us to more breakthroughs.

3) We need to pray for our brother and be a testimony to him.

That is why if the family can begin praying first, it is already part of the battle won. I also know through prayer, God will cause us to be more aware of the way we should all live our lives. I hope as my brother sees the change in us, it will allow him to see the transforming power of Jesus even in the lives of his family members whom he has once condemned as hopeless cases. In the eyes of Jesus, no one is hopeless and I pray he will see that in due time.

My family must be my primary ministry but I also must learn to trust God to help everyone through our individual journey. I cannot be their saviour because God is. I guess what I can do is to be the fire-starter so that our attention is always on Jesus Christ, our Lord and Saviour.

I shall end there with regards to my reflection. I visited Amsterdam the whole day but I did not do much as it was raining most of the time. I could not take photos. What I did was basically looking for shelters quiet and conducive enough for me to do my reflections. There was nothing much to shop too.

Oh yah, when I was trying to find my way to Chinatown, I entered this street parallel to a canal. Suddenly it dawned upon me that I have gone into the red-light district. In the above paragraph I was talking about shopping but along this canal, there are also people doing that but it is called window-shopping. The prostitutes were displayed behind those windows and they would do all things to entice would-be customers. Anyway, I prayed for that area, hoping that God will speak and minister even to these ladies. It was a sad sight.

I do not know whether I would want to make another trip to Amsterdam before I leave. I shall see how.

Praise the Lord for today.

I shall pack up now and head home as it is almost 8.00pm. Shopping hours are longer today as it is a Thursday. I doubt I will shop though.

Good night, all!

Letting Go

To let go does not mean to stop caring,
it means I can't do it for someone else.
To let go is not to cut myself off,
it's the realization I can't control another.
To let go is not to enable,
but allow learning from natural consequences.
To let go is to admit powerlessness,
which means the outcome is not in my hands.
To let go is not to try to change or blame another,
it's to make the most of myself.
To let go is not to care for,
but to care about.
To let go is not to fix,
but to be supportive.
To let go is not to judge,
but to allow another to be a human being.
To let go is not to be in the middle arranging all the outcomes,
but to allow others to affect their destinies.
To let go is not to be protective,
it's to permit another to face reality.
To let go is not to deny,
but to accept.
To let go is not to nag, scold or argue,
but instead to search out my own shortcomings and correct them.
To let go is not to adjust everything to my desires,
but to take each day as it comes and cherish myself in it.
To let go is not to criticize or regulate anybody,
but to try to become what I dream I can be.
To let go is not to regret the past,
but to grow and live for the future.

To let go is to fear less and love more.
Finally, to let go is to let God.

But remember: The time to love is short.

My Day Two Reflection

In the morning I reflected on a familiar passage taken from Psalm 139. The focus for my retreat today is me.

After reading all 24 verses, I am thankful to God for who I am because I am fearfully and wonderfully made by Him. I am also glad that I have been made in God's image based on yesterday's passages from Genesis 1 to 3.

When I was pondering on the words "fearfully and wonderfully," I was just curious as to why these two words. I did not refer to any guides but when I just closed my eyes and kept still, I basically felt good about being Andy Chew because deep down in my heart I was grateful to God that He took pains in creating me. In God's assembly plant, if there is such a thing, I am not the same as His other creations. I am already a masterpiece in itself. I am unique.

As I reflected further, this other word came to mind - "undefiled." When I entered this world I was basically pure.

Throughout the passage, I was also reminded that God is the Author of my life. He knows my every move; thought; word - He basically knows me inside out but He has never been a dictator.

He basically gives me the freedom to live my life in this fallen world. From an undefiled little baby to who I am now, I am constantly exposed to the teachings of the world but I have a choice whether to follow them or not. Sad to say, many times I do.

Does God condemn me for having rebelled against Him? No. Instead He gave me and everyone else Jesus Christ, who died on the cross for our sins, so that we can choose to come back to Him - to be cleansed and made pure once more. Again He gave me a choice.

Now that I am a child of God, I cannot just live my life as if I am still totally in charge of it. This is where I need to include Him in all that I say and do - hence the verses which read, "Search me, O God, and know my heart; test me and know my anxious thoughts. See if there is any offensive way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting." (Psalm 139:23-24)

The above thoughts are just relevant to me as I reflected on the passage. I guess it may not necessarily be the same for others.

Anyway, in the afternoon I went to the same cafe to do the second part of the retreat where I had to answer a few questions on my strengths, weaknesses, pet sins and calling. Again I thought it would have been easy since I have known myself for 39 years. How difficult can that be, right? Well, again I was wrong. I struggled because many times I do not want to know the dark side of my life.

I posted this on my FaceBook after I completed the questionaires, "Deliberately taking time to reflect on me today can be a scary thing... it is either I surrender my all (calling, strengths, weaknesses and pet sins) to God and continue living purposefully or I totally surrender and give up on myself (because the calling, strengths, weaknesses and pet sins are so overwhelming)."

Then my Pastor commented on this posting and she made sense. She said, "Reflection is critical to living." We need to regularly take pit stops in our lives to ensure we do not live life blindly but to do a rain-check once in a while so that we can get rid of what is not beneficial to our life's journey and pursue what is good and right in the sight of God.

As I was quite swamped after answering honestly the four areas of calling, strengths, weaknesses and pet sins, I decided to just leave the cafe and walked around the City Centre to continue my thought process.

Now that it has come to the end of the day, this is my conclusion. I am glad I have been asked to consider my calling and strengths. At least I know why I exist, from now till I die, and I can use my strengths to complement and supplement that calling. Knowing my weaknesses and pet sins are also important not for the sake of just being aware that they are there but to repent from them.

It is also to help me to be always on the watch so that the devil does not use this to affect what God has called me to do and in being a blessing to others.

I also concluded that I cannot do all these by myself. I basically need to be accountable to some siblings-in-Christ. This is where the body of Christ comes in. We must always remember that the Christian journey is never alone. We must always walk with one another. The question is whether we are willing to do that.

Well, that is all for the second day of my retreat.

I am going to sleep early tonight as I would like to do my next day's retreat in Amsterdam. I will take the earliest train out so that I can use the travelling time to do my reflection for tomorrow and also to maximise my time in the capital of The Netherlands.

So much for that. When I was walking around the town area, I basically went to some shops to check out some clothes but I did not buy any as I wanted to survey the prices and also the varieties first. I guess I will only start buying at the end of the week, if any.

Breakfast and dinner were sumptuous as always and I truly thank God for Laurel in always being so diligent in giving her family and I the most yummilicious food. After breakfast I joined Laurel and her two sons, Ben and Isaac, to a flea market to buy some fresh produce. The place was huge and there were just so many things available - from clothes to accessories to vegetables to fruits to fish, etc.

Oh yah, I called home and when grandma spoke to me, she cried. She asked how come I have not been coming home the past few days and whether she had offended me. Because of her dementia, she forgets that I am away hence her thoughts just ran wild. I guess I will call home regularly to assure her that she is not being neglected. I guess this is the least I can do for her. Praise God mum and dad are fine. So are the hammies, love-bird and doggy. :)

That's all.

Good night, everyone!