It has been three days since I came back from Cambodia. Since then my heart has been very burdened and uneasy. There is this sense of insecurity and uncertainty. I wish I have the exact word to pinpoint my feelings now but I just could not find one in my vocabulary list.
I have also been procrastinating in preparing for the Missions Committee's exhibition at my church's fundraising dinner next Friday. I told myself I will get it done after my trip but it is already mid-week and I have not carried out any work yet.
It is not that I do not want to do it - my way of dealing with work is to get it done sooner than later so that I do not have to be bugged by it. The struggle for me now is where to start and how to present the work of missions to the guests whom majority of them are not from my church. In fact, there will be a considerable number who are not even Christians.
As mentioned in my last blog, I left Cambodia with a heavy heart because I do not see the Khmer church, which my church is supporting, growing. Year in, year out, it is the same number of people. There seems to be more struggles in the organisation which the church comes under and also the people's walk with God than growth. Surely something is wrong somewhere.
The frustrating part is that I do not know exactly what is the exact problem. Probably it is a combination of problems. I am basically concerned for the spiritual and physical well-being of my Khmer siblings-in-Christ. If something is not done quickly, then many of them will fall away eventually. I am not discounting the fact that God can move but how so is something that the leadership of the church, the Missions Committee and I need to seek.
Suddenly I feel insecure and inadequate in my leadership as the Missions Committee chairperson. I guess I have to find my sufficiency in the Lord. It is a tiring process but I will press on. May God be my help in this.
I am also disturbed and angry about another matter pertaining to my area of ministry but I am praying this will not lead me to judge and cause others to stumble. I will not share what it is due to the confidentiality of the matter. It just saddens my heart that certain decisions are made without actually being sensitive and discerning about the parties concerned. I pray that the Lord will open our eyes. Well, may God guide me again in this.
What is missions all about? It is basically about lives - those who are ministering and those who are being ministered! May God have mercy on my church and me if we have failed to carry out the Great Commission properly. It is not as easy as just planning mission trips and programmes (basically the feel-good factor) and making decisions pertaining to money matters or infrastructures - at the end of it all, how lives are being touched is of utmost importance!
I am sharing the above-mentioned so that those who are reading this blog will keep me in prayer. My burdens as mentioned above have affected me spiritually (state of inadequacy) physically (having constant headaches), emotionally (easily angered, frustrated and agitated) and mentally (no motivation to do anything whatsoever - in a state of stagnation).
I needed to let all these out as they have been welling up in me since I came back! Though I am feeling the way I am now, I will press on - standing firm in my faith that God will move and show me the way! I have no doubt about that but for now, being a human, I am exhausted!
Well, this is part and parcel of my journey as a pilgrim. This struggle will come to past soon because God will make a way where there seems to be no way. He works in ways we cannot see - He will make a way! He will surely make a way! I have been singing the words of this song since Monday and they have brought about hope. :)
I shall end here.
"Why are you downcast, O my soul? Why so disturbed within me? Put your hope in God, for I will yet praise him, my Savior and my God." Psalm 42:11
I have also been procrastinating in preparing for the Missions Committee's exhibition at my church's fundraising dinner next Friday. I told myself I will get it done after my trip but it is already mid-week and I have not carried out any work yet.
It is not that I do not want to do it - my way of dealing with work is to get it done sooner than later so that I do not have to be bugged by it. The struggle for me now is where to start and how to present the work of missions to the guests whom majority of them are not from my church. In fact, there will be a considerable number who are not even Christians.
As mentioned in my last blog, I left Cambodia with a heavy heart because I do not see the Khmer church, which my church is supporting, growing. Year in, year out, it is the same number of people. There seems to be more struggles in the organisation which the church comes under and also the people's walk with God than growth. Surely something is wrong somewhere.
The frustrating part is that I do not know exactly what is the exact problem. Probably it is a combination of problems. I am basically concerned for the spiritual and physical well-being of my Khmer siblings-in-Christ. If something is not done quickly, then many of them will fall away eventually. I am not discounting the fact that God can move but how so is something that the leadership of the church, the Missions Committee and I need to seek.
Suddenly I feel insecure and inadequate in my leadership as the Missions Committee chairperson. I guess I have to find my sufficiency in the Lord. It is a tiring process but I will press on. May God be my help in this.
I am also disturbed and angry about another matter pertaining to my area of ministry but I am praying this will not lead me to judge and cause others to stumble. I will not share what it is due to the confidentiality of the matter. It just saddens my heart that certain decisions are made without actually being sensitive and discerning about the parties concerned. I pray that the Lord will open our eyes. Well, may God guide me again in this.
What is missions all about? It is basically about lives - those who are ministering and those who are being ministered! May God have mercy on my church and me if we have failed to carry out the Great Commission properly. It is not as easy as just planning mission trips and programmes (basically the feel-good factor) and making decisions pertaining to money matters or infrastructures - at the end of it all, how lives are being touched is of utmost importance!
I am sharing the above-mentioned so that those who are reading this blog will keep me in prayer. My burdens as mentioned above have affected me spiritually (state of inadequacy) physically (having constant headaches), emotionally (easily angered, frustrated and agitated) and mentally (no motivation to do anything whatsoever - in a state of stagnation).
I needed to let all these out as they have been welling up in me since I came back! Though I am feeling the way I am now, I will press on - standing firm in my faith that God will move and show me the way! I have no doubt about that but for now, being a human, I am exhausted!
Well, this is part and parcel of my journey as a pilgrim. This struggle will come to past soon because God will make a way where there seems to be no way. He works in ways we cannot see - He will make a way! He will surely make a way! I have been singing the words of this song since Monday and they have brought about hope. :)
I shall end here.
"Why are you downcast, O my soul? Why so disturbed within me? Put your hope in God, for I will yet praise him, my Savior and my God." Psalm 42:11
2 comments:
take care and may his voice be clear to you as you seek :-)
Yoh bro. Thanks for the encouragement. I will continue to listen out to His voice. :)
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