Just Focus On The ONE!

I just finished all the paperwork for grandma's transfer to the Tan Tock Seng-Ren Ci hospital. She is there now for her rehabilitation programme which will probably take a month or so. Intensive physio-therapy sessions will also be carried out. I pray all these will aid grandma in the recovery process and that she will be able to walk again in no time! :)

I am spending some time now in the Coffee Bean outlet located at Millennia Walk. I decided to take some moment to be on my own and reflect on the year which has been tumultus but thanks be to God for pulling me through it.

Just the other day when I was feeling super-stretched having to take care of grandma and mum's hospitalisation and dealing with dad who is not taking responsibility in consuming his medication regularly, I told the Lord what a lousy year it has been.

That was my conclusion initially. It cannot be good when all these unpleasant events were experienced throughout the course of this year - at the beginning of 2011 I decided to take a break from work so as to pursue my desire to serve in the mission field but with my parents' ill-health and grandma's dementia, I had to shelf the idea.

Then came the stomach ulcers which I had to battle with. They were so painful that sometimes I could not even do or eat anything. They became so bad that I had to undergo a surgery to have a nerve removed and the ulcers patched up.

I had to also deal with issues involving my relationships with two individuals - one of them being very dear to me. It sometimes made me wonder whether it is worth it at all to invest so much of my time and effort in their lives when what I get in return is misunderstandings. Instead of fostering a closer bond, now a rift has formed and I do not know whether it would ever be mended. I am still praying daily that it would but that is all I can do for now. I have done whatever I could but situations remain as they are. One thing I learnt is this - as much as I love and care for these individuals, I realised at the end of the day, it is their lives and they are free to choose how to live them though I have sounded off my concerns. I have also learnt to be more tactful in sharing my burdens for them.

All these took a toll on me physically, emotionally and mentally. With the advice of some friends, I decided to go on a personal retreat to The Netherlands and that was a refreshing one for me - being away from the cares of this world and just spent time with God and on my own. I am grateful to two dear siblings-in-Christ's hospitality when I was there and also for their counsel.

Just when I thought the worse is over, it was not. Grandma was hospitalised when I was in the United Kingdom. She was admitted after having fainted at home. She was discharged a few days later after being nursed back to health. The reason for her fainting spell was related to her dementia where sometimes she forgot to eat. This led to her feeling weak and also having a Vitamin B12 deficiency which affected her memory power.

I thought the month of December would be a quiet one for me to prepare myself to go back to my teaching profession but again it was not to be. On the first day of the mission trip to Cambodia, grandma complained of an excruciating pain on the hip. She was rushed to the hospital and the doctors found out that she had a hip fracture after a x-ray was done. She sustained it when she had a fall at the market. She did not inform anyone about it and I only noticed her limp on the day when I was about to fly off to Cambodia. That same night she was admitted.

To add to my stress and anxiety, three days later, my brother message to inform me that mum was also admitted. She was down with Urinal Tract Infection and her blood glucose level was very high. I was on the verge of cutting short the mission trip so as to go back to help my brother but he told me to concentrate on my work with the mission team.

When I arrived home, I realised no decision was taken regarding grandma's fracture and it has already been more than a week. What angered me was the part where my cousins were not in favour of an operation, citing the reason that it may not be cost-effective due to grandma's old age.

When is it that age should be the deciding factor as to whether one deserves an operation or for that matter to live or die? EVERYONE deserves the right to live a good quality of life regardless of age! I told everybody off and reminded them that she is our grandmother and a human who deserves all the right to have her fracture rectified.

The most baffling thing is that the specialist has even recommended surgery after observing that grandma is fit to undergo the procedure despite of her old age.

Then when the day of surgery came, it had to be postponed because of diaper rash and urine infection. This added to everyone's concerns and stress level. Last week it reached a peak where it affected the mood of every member at home. Mum and dad quarreled. It did not help that my brother heard about it and decided to handle the squabble. I had to rush home to be the mediator.

When everything had calmed down, I just retreated and went somewhere to cry out to God for His intervention in all the above-mentioned. I felt very frustrated not being able to help grandma, my parents and my brother. I told the Lord I was at my wit's end.

If I had just concentrated on all the negative events above, then of course, the year is truly a nightmare. Then came these past few days when I decided to focus on the good part of the year and there were many too.

First of all, I get to rest from work and the fact that I am not working, I am able to handle all that had happened at home. It would have been more exhausting if I had to work and at the same time take care of the matters concerning home.

Though I am unable to serve as a missionary, I was able to focus on the Missions Committee which I was still chairing in the first 9 months of the year. I was also able to serve in the Youth Ministry which is another area of ministry dear to me.

Being able to go for a surgery to rectify my stomach ulcers was also something good though I had to go through the initial painful process. Now that it is over, I am free from the pain and the chances of having a recurrence are low.

The trips to The Netherlands, United Kingdom and Cambodia were also very refreshing for me. I cherished every moment especially marveling at the wonderful creation of God in other parts of the world.

I am also grateful to God for allowing me to enjoy an alternative sport which is cycling. Because of past injuries, I am unable to run or play any contact sports but when I participated in the Charity Bike 'n' Blade as a photographer, I was introduced to the world of cycling. I also made a lot of new friends from the event.

A dear friend, whom I got to know from the cycling trip, and I decided to check out some racing bikes when we came back. Each of us bought a bike after having visited several shops and we have been cycling since. It is a sport I now enjoy thoroughly because it has helped me do some exercise and I have lost a considerable amount of weight since. :)

I also praise God for allowing me to know friends like the one I mentioned in the above paragraph. Though it has just been a few months, I am glad that we have got to know each other better through the cycling sessions and also over meals and other leisure activities.

I have also joined three cycling groups - The Fellowship of the Ride, The Love Cycling Singapore and also The Christ Methodist Church Cycling Club! Though I only know most of them for a couple of months, some of them have already touched my life by praying for me during this difficult period.

That said, I am really thankful to God for giving me friends who have been there for me. They went the extra mile to ask for my prayer needs. Some even messaged me daily to ask how I am. Some even spent time with me over meals. They have indeed been a blessing and I will always remember their love and care forever.

I have to admit that if it were not for them, I would not have been able to pull through this period! God knows I am unable to handle matters on my own and He graciously provided these precious individuals to help me share the load! They have my promise that I will be there for them in their times of struggle. In helping one another, our journey here on earth is made easier to trod. :)

So is it still a lousy year? Nah! It is a matter of perspective. If I focus on the WHOM (God, that is), every trouble pales in comparison because my God is great and nothing is too big for Him to handle especially when it involves His children.

That said, my struggles will still be there but going into the new year, I will fix my eyes on Him and Him alone. Soon, all will come to pass and there will be many more years (whatever that is left) for me to look forward to. :)

If you think I am going to share my resolutions next... well, nope. I will save them for another day. :)

To God be the glory for 2011! :)

"Give thanks to the LORD, for he is good; his love endures forever." Psalm 107:1

Trusting My God Who Holds The Future

I just finished a couple of housework. I did the laundry, swept the floor and ironed a mountain of clothes from the previous wash. I was initially hesitant to do them all as I was tired after coming back from a day of outing with the youths from my church to Sentosa.

Anyway, my approach to doing work is this - why procrastinate and suffer? I might as well just complete them now and enjoy myself after that.

That said, housework is done and I can now sit in the comfort of my room and blog some thoughts.

It has been a tough week as my brother and I have been trying to prepare grandma for her physio-therapy sessions which commenced on Tuesday. She was unable to stand on Tuesday but yesterday she was able to do so for a while. She was also able to sit on the chair. To me, that is progress as she had been bedridden since the first day of hospitalisation.

Though she is complaining that the operated area is still painful and uncomfortable, she is able to move that leg on her own without the aid of the nurses or any of the family members.

She is also less dependent on painkillers and anti-depressant medication. Her sun-down dementia does not seem to deteriorate. Praise God for that as well.

All the above-mentioned look positive but I must say that going through them is not easy. I am tired physically, mentally and emotionally. On top of that, I have to take care of mum and dad. I am glad that mum is recovering well though she is feeling a little restless at home.

There are still a couple of outstanding matters which I need to look into: one is to look for a community hospital for grandma. This is to allow her to do her physio-therapy and also to recuperate. I also need to look for a domestic helper which proves to be quite a headache. I prefer one from Indonesia because of the language as grandma speaks Malay but then they are quite expensive and limited. I am also considering helpers of other nationalities and this is where I am praying for God to give me discernment and wisdom in my decision-making.

Anyway, these are some inconveniences I have to go through but they will all come to pass soon.

During this period, it is easy for me to be engrossed in dealing with home matters but when I was spending time praying some time last week, I was reminded to go easy and do other activities away from home so as to keep my sanity as well as to just be refreshed from time to time.

Well, last week I did just that - meeting a dear friend to have dinners, watch a movie, do a little shopping and also cycling. I basically enjoyed the time with her.

I was so happy when I cycled for about 60km on Monday. I have not done it for close to a month already. My friend and I cycled all the way to Dempsey Road where we had our breakfast at Jones the Grocer. We then checked out a few new restaurants in the vicinity. Next was to cycle along Orchard Road before heading to StarBucks at The Playground in East Coast Park for a coffee break. We also took the time to read the papers and magazines provided by the cafe. After drinking our Macchiato and reading, we cycled some more before calling a day by having lunch at this restaurant called Claypot Fun at The Playground. The food, recommended by my friend, was good!!! :) We ate and chatted about our friends' kids as in how cute they are but also acknowledging the difficulty of parenthood.

Well, I am already looking forward to the next cycling session but I am not sure when as yet.

Oh yah, I received an email just now and it was about my terms of employment. I realised that I am only due back office on 9 January 2012 and not 3 January. It was a pleasant news as that would give me more time to deal with home matters and also to take that period to rest. Praise God for that!

Before I key off, I want to share that I do not know what the future holds in terms of the physical well-being of grandma and my parents but one thing I know is that they are all in the good hands of my Father in heaven. I am reminding myself that there is no point to worry so much about things I cannot predict but to put my hope on the One who holds the future and the One who has been faithful and good in my life. He has seen me through many difficult times in my life and He will continue to do so. That is why I am thankful to Him for even the littlest thing because He is a God who cares about everything.

To Him be the glory! :)

It Will Come To Pass!

I was happy when the doctor informed me that grandma is fit for surgery and one has been scheduled for her tomorrow. Her condition has taken a toll not just on her but the family as well.

Yesterday I think every one reached the peak of their frustration. Grandma was very grouchy when I visited her in the hospital. She kept insisting on going home. It did not help that my brother called me to say that mum and dad were quarreling and that he was going home to handle the matter. Knowing my brother's temper, I decided to rush home just so that he is kept in check. Well, every one was edgy and sometimes I feel very helpless, not knowing how else to tell them that things will get better no matter how bad we see the situation as at that point of our frustration.

Anyway, I prayed while I was in the taxi. Thank God that by night-time, every one has cooled down. I was very stressed the whole of yesterday. It did not help that dad has not been taking good care of himself too - not taking his diabetes medication regularly and always not happy when being advised to watch his health.

While I was praying, I sensed God telling me that all these will come to pass and I rested in that assurance. I am also thankful to three persons praying for me - my dear sister, pastor and a staff in my church.

Well, this morning everything did turn out to be much better. Mum and dad are in talking terms again. Grandma was in a good mood and she was able to eat most of her lunch. Then the news that she can go for her operation.

Just now while praying for the surgery and in my prayer requests sent to the church prayer network, I pleaded with God to let grandma walk again after her operation. She has always been active and knowing that she wants to be able to walk again, I just felt that I needed to ask God for this special request. As a grandson, I cannot make her walk. I can only do what I can by agreeing to the surgery just so that she have some chances of walking but ultimately it is God who can do the impossible. Hence, this is my cry. I know He has heard me.

This evening I was planning to go cycling with a dear friend but as the weather was overcast, we decided to watch a movie but that also did not happen as the tickets were sold out. In the end we settled to do some window-shopping and have dinner together at Sakuraya.

Well, we ordered our favourite sword-fish sashimi. We also had salmon sashimi, tori karagge and also a bowl of mixed sashimi don. And of course we had our Calpis drink... we tried the grape flavoured one and it was not bad. I almost forgot about it until my friend reminded me about it. :)

During shopping we actually had some things we needed to buy but we shelved them till after dinner but by the time we finished our meal, the shop where we were supposed to buy some papers has closed; the standing fan which I was supposed to buy was out of stock. My friend wanted to buy a pair of Fit-Flops but they are more expensive in the shop compared to that sold in Amazon.com. She decided to order online.

It was a great evening. A great day in general. Praise the Lord!

It Is Worth It!

There are many times in my life when I just feel like giving up showing love and care for the people close to my heart. Today is one of those many times. I was just wondering to myself earlier why should I even bother!

I love. Therefore I care. I care. Therefore I advice. What do I get in return? An individual full of pride and arrogance. Why must I turn out to be the bad guy when all these while, the intention was meant for the good and benefit of the person so dear to me?

I seriously do not understand why it is so difficult for a person to swallow his pride and accept the counsel of others?

I am basically very frustrated and exhausted! Something happened at home this morning which led to all the above-mentioned. It basically caused me to reflect on whether it was all worth it.

This year there have been so many setbacks I have faced pertaining to loving and caring for certain individuals. I have tried to be there for one individual and suddenly one day that person gave me the cold shoulder.

A loved one whom I cherish a lot is now so distant that we are like strangers now. All the effort I have put in all these years seem to have gone down the drain.

Why is it that sometimes those who care for someone becomes that person's enemies when those who do not really care are still his or her friends? It may sound like an unfair statement but that is what I feel sometimes.

Back on my reflection on whether it was all worth it. My answer is yes because in the eyes of God, everyone is worth dying for, hence Jesus' death on the cross for man's sin. If that is how God sees every individual, then who am I to see them otherwise?

I must remind myself this though - I can love. I can care. I can advice. But that is how far I can go and much I can give. It is up to the person to decide whether to receive my love, care and counsel. If he or she does not, so be it. I have done as much as I can but do I stop there? No.

I will now have to commit these individuals to God and let Him guide them along. The worst thing ever as a friend to someone else is to give up on him or her. It is easy for me to say but many times tough to practice but I will press on. I just hope I am not a friend who fails.

Anyway, another appliance broke down this morning. The fan in the hall overheated and the motor is burnt. I will need to go buy a new one after I jot these thoughts down. I wonder what is the next thing which will be break down.

I shall key off here. I just needed to release my frustration by blogging the above thoughts.

Love God. Live Life. Take Risk

This morning I woke up sniffing a little. I guess it has been the lack of rest since the start of the mission trip till now when after being back here I still cannot rest as I need to handle the health matters of grandma and mum.

It does not help that one thing happens after another. Grandma was scheduled for surgery yesterday but it was postponed because there were a few emergency surgeries which the hospital needed to handle.

Then this morning I was told that she would be going for her operation. One hour later, I received a call from the hospital that it has to be postponed again as grandma has rashes around the hip area.

Just about an hour ago, my brother called to inform me that grandma's appetite has been bad and she is feeling nauseous. She is also experiencing some discomfort on her affected leg.

I feel very helpless whenever I receive news like the above-mentioned. I cannot deny that it can be frustrating and sometimes I wish something can be done there and then. At the end of it all, I just have to trust that God knows what He is doing and I will let Him deal with all these by simply praying about it.

I decided not to visit grandma and mum in the hospital as I did not want to let my flu-bug affect them. I took the time to do some housework by bathing the pets, sweeping the floor and doing the laundry.

After that, I felt like going out to catch a breather. I went to town for a while wanting to shop but with the crowd and all, I decided against it. I just walked around and after two hours or so, I decided to head home.

I was doing some reflections as I was walking and I remembered three things which a missionary from Ireland shared during the mission trip. His name is Jonny Hamill. He shared with the team that in our life's journey, we should always love God first with no compromise on this whatsoever.

Having that priority right enables us to live life to the fullest, knowing full well that God is in control and that no matter how tough the going may be, we can still live joyfully knowing that God will pull us through. Many are struggling because the element of God's presence is missing hence they are always feeling alone, having to fight life's battle on their own. When exhaustion sets in, that means the end for the person.

Sometimes living the Christian life is not about playing it safe but having to take risks which many may not dare to do so. Many times God calls His children to live their lives different from what the society calls for. In all occasions we are told to stand out and not blend in - being a light basically, always shining. If one has the guts to do so, he will be scrutinised, mocked and persecuted but if doing so can win souls for God, it is all worth it.

It is easy for me to write all the above-mentioned but I know in reality it is tough but that should not stop me from trying. If I fail, I will try again and this goes on till I succeed one day.

Well, a very good counsel from my Irish brother-in-Christ. Praise the Lord for him! May God use him and his wife, Jill, mightily in Cambodia.

Struggling Together

It has been an exhausting experience since coming back from Cambodia on Wednesday. In fact throughout my seven days there my mind was not at peace because on the first day when the mission team arrived in Phnom Penh, my brother messaged to inform me that grandma has been admitted into hospital due to a fractured hip.

I already suspected something was not right with her when I was about to leave for the airport. I noticed she was limping badly and I asked dad to monitor her.

I am now in the hospital waiting for grandma to go for her operation. She is placed on the waiting list as there was an emergency case and that had to be attended to first. I hope the wait will not be too long as she seems to be getting anxious by the hour.

I have spending a lot of time praying. I asked God to guide the surgeons' hands and that in the course of the surgery, there will not be complications of stroke or lung/urine infections due to grandma's old age. She will also be on local anesthesia and I pray her eyes will be fixed on Jesus and not on the surgery.

I have been running around, meeting doctors to discuss about the best treatment for grandma; going to the hospital's business centre to settle the cost of the operation. I had to also make enquiries with maid agencies to see which maid to engage so that grandma's physical needs will be taken care of.

I am actually quite disappointed that in the past one week, no one dared made any decision. Apparently the main reason was whether it was worth it to send grandma for the operation due to her old age and also whether it was worth it spending so much on the whole procedure!

When I came back, I had to put my foot down and bring to attention that money should not be the deciding factor as to whether grandma should go for the surgery or not. She may be 87 years old but she deserves every right to live comfortably. It is sad that in times like this when a decision needs to be made fast that everyone is caught up with rationalizing whether it is cost effective or not. This is a life we are talking about!

All these does not help that I have to also look into the needs of my mum who is hospitalized too due to urinal tract infection. She is recuperating in an isolation ward. I pray she will be discharged soon.

I posted a thought on FaceBook just now - I am basically thankful to God for the fellowship of my siblings-in-Christ because in times of need, they are there to pray and encourage me. This makes my struggles easier to bear. Praise the Lord for them all!

I would like to blog about the mission trip but not now. There are so much to share and I will find the time to do soon.

I shall end here. I do not know when all these will end but I'm trusting God to pull me and every one at home one day at a time.

Bye, Singapore. Hello, Cambodia!

In a couple of hours I will be with 15 other siblings-in-Christ at the airport, preparing to leave for our mission trip to Phnom Penh.

After 5 months of preparation, the time has come to put all the plans to action. While I was praying yesterday, I was reminded that these plans must be accompanied with God's guidance and a love for His people (the Khmers)!

Well, I guess the team members must remind each other on the above-mentioned as we go through each day of ministry. I pray for God's name to be glorified and His people edified in this 7-day stint in Cambodia.

I just finished packing and praise the Lord that everything is able to fit into my mid-size luggage. There are so many things to bring - medical bag, portable photo-printer with the papers and cartridges, stuff which I am bringing on behalf of some friends, my clothes and other personal belongings.

It has been a tiring week as there were a couple of things to do before I leave - bringing grandma for her jab which I forgot to do so on Monday, cleaning the house, doing the laundry, settling outstanding bills, buying groceries, bathing the pets, etc. I was also trying to recharge myself after an epic camp last week. :)

Anyway, I was quite concerned for grandma. When I was chatting with her, I asked her why she was walking with a limp and she told me she had a fall while going marketing. As much as my heart went out to her, I was also angry because I have told her several times not to go out but she still does it once in a while without the family members' knowledge. Sigh. She is the kind who cannot sit still at home so I cannot blame her when she sneaks out of the house secretly.

All I can ask of the Lord is to protect her when she goes out and that while I am away, everything would be fine. Nowadays I cannot leave home without worrying for the old folks.

Well, I shall leave all these to God and concentrate on the work in Cambodia, at least for the next one week.

There are a couple of other loved ones I am thinking about too but that is all I can do for now.

Time to end here.

I shall blog as and when I have wi-fi connection.

Bye, all!

When Jesus Died, We Died Too

The next programme only starts at 8.30pm. While waiting, I decided to blog some of my thoughts about today's teaching session by Rev. Reuben Ng. I am trying to bear with the noises created by two groups of campers rehearsing for their skits. I am also their DJ because they want to incorporate some music into their plays and I have just searched the soundtracks they requested for. Very creative, these young ones! I am so proud of them. :)

This morning, Pastor Reuben reminded me in his message that when Christ died for our sins, we also died with Him. Not as in a physical death but a spiritual one. Meaning to say that we have been cleansed from all our sins and we are no longer held ransom by them. They have no power anymore. We have basically died to sin!

The reason why many still struggle with sins because we allow ourselves to but in actual fact, we are no longer bound by the slavery of sin and death. It was liberating to know that.

Pastor Reuben brought up an example about how we sometimes judge others. If we allow sin to come into play, then nothing positive will ever come out of our perception of that person we have a problem with. The scary thing is it will only get worse. Slowly it leads from prejudice to a grudge and then to hatred.

The opposite is this - if we know well in our hearts that sin is no more a master, then our view will be governed by how Jesus would look at the person we have a problem with. Simply put - we will see that individual as Jesus would. We will shun off all evil thoughts and allow love to lead the way.

Praise God for the above-mentioned! :)

Well, these are my thoughts for now. I shall write more later.

"What shall we say, then? Shall we go on sinning so that grace may increase? By no means! We are those who have died to sin; how can we live in it any longer? Or don’t you know that all of us who were baptized into Christ Jesus were baptized into his death? We were therefore buried with him through baptism into death in order that, just as Christ was raised from the dead through the glory of the Father, we too may live a new life. For if we have been united with him in a death like his, we will certainly also be united with him in a resurrection like his. For we know that our old self was crucified with him so that the body ruled by sin might be done away with, that we should no longer be slaves to sin — because anyone who has died has been set free from sin. Now if we died with Christ, we believe that we will also live with him. For we know that since Christ was raised from the dead, he cannot die again; death no longer has mastery over him. The death he died, he died to sin once for all; but the life he lives, he lives to God. In the same way, count yourselves dead to sin but alive to God in Christ Jesus. Therefore do not let sin reign in your mortal body so that you obey its evil desires. Do not offer any part of yourself to sin as an instrument of wickedness, but rather offer yourselves to God as those who have been brought from death to life; and offer every part of yourself to him as an instrument of righteousness. For sin shall no longer be your master, because you are not under the law, but under grace." Romans 6:1-14

He Did Not Wait

I have just posted on my Facebook that I woke up with a heart of thankfulness, simply knowing that while I was helpless, ungodly and a sinner, Christ died for me! Praise the Lord for that!

The above-mentioned was preached by Rev. Reuben Ng in his first session to the campers. It was a simple message not only for the young but for a believer like me who has been a Christian for 26 years. Sometimes I myself need to be reminded of such a message, which, interestingly, was the reason why I turned my life to Christ. I guess, along the way, I have forgotten about it because it has been so long or simply for the fact that I have been dragged along the flow of this world where there are so much distractions that God became so small in my life.

It is always heartening to know that God did not wait till we become perfect or reach a certain level of 'holiness' then He sent His Son, Jesus Christ to die for us. He did not simply tell us that He loves us. Instead He put love into action! He meant what He said! Christ died for all. Period!

Yesterday during ministry time I was challenged to live out my Christian faith boldly and not be afraid of being scrutinised by the people around me. Many times we are hesitant in telling people we are a Christian because we still do not want to let go of some of our past - perhaps some pet sins or unfinished business we have with someone or a hatred we are harbouring, etc. Hence we fear that people will mock us for not being authentic because these areas are still stifling us.

As Christ did not wait for us to be perfect before He died for us on the cross, I think we also should not wait any longer by revealing our identity to the world. So long as each day we are overcoming the sins or shortcomings of our lives, we are always one step closer to godliness and holiness.

Well, the real test is always when I am out of church because in church it is always easy to be a Christian but when out of it, it is a totally different thing. Oh yah, Pastor Reuben mentioned this and I thought it made a lot of sense! Going to church does not make one a Christian. It is the same as going to McDonalds does not make one a hamburger!

Where is God in my heart? Where is God in your heart?

Wait no more!

"You see, at just the right time, when we were still powerless, Christ died for the ungodly. Very rarely will anyone die for a righteous person, though for a good person someone might possibly dare to die. But God demonstrates his own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us." Romans 5:6-8