Friday, January 19, 2007

God's Plans Are Always Good For Us?

Things just do not seem to work out for me today. This afternoon my left knee cap got so painful that I could hardly walk. Every step I took was just so torturous - hurt till I actually perspired. It was alright in the morning and suddenly it took a turn for the worst just after when I was about to knock off from work during lunch-time. I have this feeling my left knee is busted.

I just wonder when will I ever be spared from all the physical struggles I have been going through all these years - when I was young, I had asthma. It got better as I grew up. Then in 1998 my kidney had to be injured from a rugby match. Because of that, my body weakened and from the stress and anxieties I had to go through, the stomach ulcers began to surface. Just when I thought everything has become normal again when the doctor gave me the green light to exercise after declaring my kidneys almost back to its healthy state, this knee problem must come at a time when I am beginning to love running to keep myself fit and also to lose some of the excess fats on my body!

Sometimes I question God what exactly is He trying to do with my life? I am a human and there come a point of time when enough is enough because I just cannot handle it anymore physically, mentally and psychologically.

I am just so tired at times. These several years of physical imperfections have taken away many things I hold dear to my heart - sometimes I feel I have lost many precious moments of my youth due to all these struggles. My peers were all focusing on their job advancements and family planning when I had to deal with the pains from all the needles that had to be poked into my arms. I dared not even think of settling down then because I had no idea whatsoever whether I could live to a ripe old age.

I know all that I have written above sounds as if I am accusing God for being bad and that I am complaining lots. Do not blame me for doing that because I am only human. As much as I am a Christian who has been taught to trust God and have faith in Him, do give me a chance also to live my life as a human and not some super-beings. I think I am entitled to being frustrated at times.

That said, I am grateful to God for preserving my life till now and He has given me a lot of things all these years - His blessings I will always hold dear in my heart but sometimes I just do not understand what His plans are for me when I thought I already knew.

I guess I still have to leave my life to God because deep down somewhere amongst those anger, doubts and hurts, there is this belief He will not fail me. Am I progressing in my pilgrim's journey? Sometimes I do not know. It is like taking one step forward and then suddenly I had to take two steps backward when faced with the trials of life.

So much for that. Sorry for blabbing away - I guess after this I will spend time with God to ask Him to help me.

This afternoon I called my mum and my brother to seek reconciliation for any hurts I have caused during the quarrel in the morning. I apologised to them. My mum accepted it but my brother had a harder time doing so - I guess it will take a while for him to cool down. Well, I have done all I could and the rest I will have to leave it to God to do the healing process.

Though my knee was painful, I praise God for allowing me to play though the pain barrier. I just focused myself on worshipping Him though I must admit it was tough with all that I have written above.

I hope God will heal my knee in His time. For now, I will just carry on playing the drums for as long as my left knee allows me to.

I shall stop here. I just need to sleep. Tomorrow will be a brand new day of adventure for me to look forward to - hopefully there is more good than bad experiences.

Forgive me, Lord, for having gone out of tangent in some of the frustrations shared.

"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." Jeremiah 29:11

No comments: