Stigma Of Being A Single 2

On 24 June 2008, I blogged about the stigma of being a single. Three years now, it is still no different. In fact, it has become worse.

I decided to write on this again because a youth at the recent church camp was puzzled as to why I am not married since I am already so old. :)

I have just turned 39 and as always, when people wished me a happy birthday, they would ask me when am I going to get married and how come I still do not have a girlfriend and all.

I know most meant well when they asked but in the past three years since I blogged on this topic, I still hear of some hurtful comments made either directly from the persons who said them or from some friends who told me. I have no qualms sharing that some of these were made from friends whom I am close with - they probably think they know me well enough to make certain assumptions.

I still get people coming to me, telling me to be careful when I am in contact with someone of the opposite gender, who is much younger than me. I appreciate their concerns for that but there were incidents where others told me straight in the face that these ladies are too young for me and that I should not be too hopeful or be a cradle-snatcher since I am so much older than them. They even try to sympathise with me by making comments that ladies around my age are now hard to find because many are probably now married. They even asked how come I did not act faster when I was younger.

Why do people always have to draw conclusions like the above-mentioned? Does this mean a 39-year old single man cannot be in contact with women who are much younger just because he is giving others the impression that he is trying to court them as ladies of his age are now hard to come by?

I have a God-sister who is much younger than me and I get that all the time from people who blatantly told me that this brother-sister relationship is maybe a disguise and that if I am serious about her that I should tell her and not pretend to be god-siblings, etc.

Each time I get that kind of remarks, my heart just sank because it shows how superficial people can be and if I may add further, it is also an insult to me, as if I cannot think logically.

There are still comments made of my horizontally-challenged build and also doubts of my gender-preference.

On the latter, one comment was made that I should not be so desperate that since it is so difficult for me to find a nice lady that I am now considering a man to be my partner. This was said not just in my presence but in front of a few people. It may sound like a joke but I wish that person would have been more sensitive to my feelings.

A new remark was made last year about my health. Many would know that I had a kidney ailment a couple of years ago due to an injury sustained while playing rugby in the UK. Because of this I had to undergo dialysis treatment thrice weekly. The comment was that women probably prefer men who are healthy. Well, perhaps it is true.

I always tell people that I may be single but I am not desperate and it remains as it is today. Whether they choose to believe me, that I cannot control. I also cannot let people's assumptions of me make me stand on my toes all the time. Primarily I am accountable to God for my motive and action.

I am happy being a single. Should one day someone around my age (who is rare now) come by my way and we are able to share the same calling God has for us and we are able to click well, then thanks be to Him for that union! If not, life goes on for me.

Below was the blog I wrote three years ago.

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Stigma Of Being A Single

I experienced some pretty unpleasant encounters in the past few days. As the title of this blog states, it is the stigma of being single at the age of 36. Though this does not bother me much, I am still saddened by some who make assumptions which, at the end of the day, can be unfair to me. Hence the disappointment and sadness I feel in my heart.

One encounter has got to do with an impression some individuals have of me that I have ulterior motives when I am closed to someone of the opposite gender who is much younger than me. By this I meant the concern that I am actually going after a young individual, as in courtship. I am okay about the concern aspect but not to the point where conclusions are drawn when I did not have that kind of motives in the first place.

Anyway, I have concluded that if my conscience is clear then I should not be too bothered by this. If I begin to behave awkwardly, then it would show others that I am actually guilty. Hopefully time will show these persons that they have made wrong conclusions and assumptions.

The other encounter was truly an insensitive remark being made. I was asked whether I am a gay because I am still single at this age. The sad thing is this person actually knows me. When I heard that statement being made, I was hurt but so be it. Every one is entitled to their opinion of another and I cannot always defend what they think of me.

Then another remark was made in the subsequent conversation which did not help me either. Another individual commented that perhaps it could be due to my weight; that I should go on a diet so that girls will come after a slimmer Andy Chew. If that is the case, I would rather remain single for the rest of my life because I know superficiality will not bring two parties far.

Why are we so superficial? I use "we" because I am equally guilty of being insensitive and assuming at times.

Well, another interesting part of my pilgrim's journey. Anyway, it is not that I do not want to change my status from being single to married. I cannot, because of what others think of me, rush into a relationship which, if not handled properly, will cause two lives and a friendship to be broken. I would rather maintain the friendship than to break it just because I want to be accepted in society as a married individual; to succumb to peer pressure; to cheapen the love God has given and taught me just because the world has a warped idea of what love is.

I guess I have shared enough. May the Lord be my help in all things!

Time to sleep. I have to babysit Claire tomorrow though I have no clue yet as to the time and place of meet. I am looking forward to it and I pray we will all have fun together.

"Do not seek revenge or bear a grudge against one of your people, but love your neighbor as yourself. I am the LORD." Leviticus 19:18