Ironing Out An Irony

Vomiting has been part of my life lately. This morning at around 4.45am I was not able to rush in time to the basin... puked on my bed instead. Then while I was on my way to church in the bus, I vomited again. Thank God I had a couple of plastic bags with me.

I wish next Thursday would come early so that I will suffer no more from all these inconveniences. While this is not going to happen anytime sooner, I pray God will give me perseverance and an attitude of thanksgiving.

Yesterday I walked my dog around my estate and I used the time to speak to God. I asked Him this question - "Lord, what is Your will for me in all these struggles I am experiencing now?"

As I reflected on my life the past few months, I realised I have not really trusted God in almost every area of my life. Everything I tried to do, it was with my own wisdom and understanding. Then when I am unable to do it, I become frustrated. This in turn cause me to vent my frustrations on the people closest to me.

Because of this, my relationship with them has not been good at all.

As much as these are the people I love and care the most, they are also the ones whom I have hurt the most. What an irony! :(

It has been a bitter lesson for me but yesterday I asked God to help me change this difficult/humbling experience to something which can build my character and also allow me be more sensitive to the people around me. All I ask is that the people whom I have affected will give me a chance to do so.

Two more hours to the rehearsal for a couple whose wedding I am coordinating.

I guess I shall end here for now.

"Truly my soul finds rest in God; my salvation comes from him. Truly he is my rock and my salvation; he is my fortress, I will never be shaken." Psalm 62:1-2

Trust

I got a shock yesterday, towards the late afternoon, when I suddenly felt nauseous. I vomited even though I tried to control it. I panicked when I saw blood and some black powdery substances in my puke.

I called my doctor and was advised to visit his clinic immediately. He told me that my stomach ulcers are probably bleeding. Though he said the condition is serious, he felt that it is still alright for me to wait till next Thursday when I am scheduled to go for a procedure to treat the ulcers.

As I walked out of the hospital, I was prompted to head to the Singapore Botanic Gardens which is just next door. I decided to take the time to sit under a gazebo to just be still. I guess God knew I needed the solace. I also took the time to pray about my frustration and discouragement.

As I was reflecting on what have been happening in my life: my struggles at home; in relationships with people; and in my own health issues, I sometimes feel very lonely. It is not that I do not have friends whom I can depend on. It is just that I feel I am troubling them too much with my prayer items and struggles. I also do not wish to put them in a difficult position because I know many times, some of them would not know how to help me.

I confess that lately I would rather keep things to myself and just pour my heart to the one Friend who is always by my side. Though I have been doing that, sometimes I do not hear Him speak and I begin to wonder why this is so.

Then I remembered an article I read on "TRUST" sent to me a few days ago by a dear brother. I guess even during times when God does not seem to speak, I need to trust that in His time He will make all things beautiful.

Since I am on this topic, it is also my prayer that I will be truthful to all my friends as much as I hope they would be truthful to me. If there is no complete trust, the friendship/relationship is incomplete. Not an easy thing to practice in these days and times.

I am feeling quite tired. I did not get to sleep much as I vomited three more times throughout the night and was running a fever.

When will my life be back to normal again I do not know. I hope God knows that I am almost up to my neck.

"The LORD is my strength and my shield; my heart trusts in him, and he helps me. My heart leaps for joy, and with my song I praise him." Psalm 28:7

Forgetting What Is Behind; Pressing On To What Is Ahead

Yesterday I posted on my FaceBook this statement, "... if I do not wish to have regrets tomorrow, I have to make my actions count today."

This is especially true for me lately as my actions of today cause me to regret them tomorrow. This applies in my relationship with people - especially those whom I am close with but have taken them for granted; in my outlook of life where lately I have been more negative towards people and circumstances because I feel that life, God, everything and everyone are being unfair to me; in my walk with God where I can learn so much of Him daily but then I let the distractions of life draw me away from Him.

I had a great time with God today. I walked from The Playground@BigSplash in East Coast Park to The National Sailing Centre- roughly a distance of 5km. I decided on this route as I used to spend time with God by the beach or at MacRitchie Reservoir at the beginning of each month, evaluating and reflecting on my life. I would take those private moments with Him, giving thanks for His blessings and praying about the struggles I was facing in my journey.

Other than just letting God know the struggles I stated in the second paragraph, I also made sure that I be still and listen to His promptings.

One thing I was challenged to do is to forget what lies behind but to press on to what is ahead. What I have done in the past I cannot control anymore because it is done but what I can do is the future. This time it is not letting emotions or discouragements or frustrations or resentments to get the better of me. Instead I will let God lead me accordingly.

In doing the above-mentioned, I pray that those whom I have affected because I did not keep my life in check will allow me to make amend and also to trust me again. In some of these relationship breakdowns, I pray they will be restored to what they were before because those were the moments where both parties enjoyed each other's fellowship and company.

The restoration and reconciliation may take a while but I will press on.

I am also challenged to go back on track with God again. I have decided not to compromise in reading God's Word, praying and being still before Him daily. I will also further enrich my walk in attending teaching courses which may be beneficial to me.

I will also try to blog regularly so that I can share of God's goodness and my life's journey (both the joy and pain) to those who want to read my postings.

Well, it has been a great day. Thanks be to God for that! :)

"Brothers and sisters, I do not consider myself yet to have taken hold of it. But one thing I do: Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead, I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus." Philippians 3:13-14

Stigma Of Being A Single 2

On 24 June 2008, I blogged about the stigma of being a single. Three years now, it is still no different. In fact, it has become worse.

I decided to write on this again because a youth at the recent church camp was puzzled as to why I am not married since I am already so old. :)

I have just turned 39 and as always, when people wished me a happy birthday, they would ask me when am I going to get married and how come I still do not have a girlfriend and all.

I know most meant well when they asked but in the past three years since I blogged on this topic, I still hear of some hurtful comments made either directly from the persons who said them or from some friends who told me. I have no qualms sharing that some of these were made from friends whom I am close with - they probably think they know me well enough to make certain assumptions.

I still get people coming to me, telling me to be careful when I am in contact with someone of the opposite gender, who is much younger than me. I appreciate their concerns for that but there were incidents where others told me straight in the face that these ladies are too young for me and that I should not be too hopeful or be a cradle-snatcher since I am so much older than them. They even try to sympathise with me by making comments that ladies around my age are now hard to find because many are probably now married. They even asked how come I did not act faster when I was younger.

Why do people always have to draw conclusions like the above-mentioned? Does this mean a 39-year old single man cannot be in contact with women who are much younger just because he is giving others the impression that he is trying to court them as ladies of his age are now hard to come by?

I have a God-sister who is much younger than me and I get that all the time from people who blatantly told me that this brother-sister relationship is maybe a disguise and that if I am serious about her that I should tell her and not pretend to be god-siblings, etc.

Each time I get that kind of remarks, my heart just sank because it shows how superficial people can be and if I may add further, it is also an insult to me, as if I cannot think logically.

There are still comments made of my horizontally-challenged build and also doubts of my gender-preference.

On the latter, one comment was made that I should not be so desperate that since it is so difficult for me to find a nice lady that I am now considering a man to be my partner. This was said not just in my presence but in front of a few people. It may sound like a joke but I wish that person would have been more sensitive to my feelings.

A new remark was made last year about my health. Many would know that I had a kidney ailment a couple of years ago due to an injury sustained while playing rugby in the UK. Because of this I had to undergo dialysis treatment thrice weekly. The comment was that women probably prefer men who are healthy. Well, perhaps it is true.

I always tell people that I may be single but I am not desperate and it remains as it is today. Whether they choose to believe me, that I cannot control. I also cannot let people's assumptions of me make me stand on my toes all the time. Primarily I am accountable to God for my motive and action.

I am happy being a single. Should one day someone around my age (who is rare now) come by my way and we are able to share the same calling God has for us and we are able to click well, then thanks be to Him for that union! If not, life goes on for me.

Below was the blog I wrote three years ago.

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Stigma Of Being A Single

I experienced some pretty unpleasant encounters in the past few days. As the title of this blog states, it is the stigma of being single at the age of 36. Though this does not bother me much, I am still saddened by some who make assumptions which, at the end of the day, can be unfair to me. Hence the disappointment and sadness I feel in my heart.

One encounter has got to do with an impression some individuals have of me that I have ulterior motives when I am closed to someone of the opposite gender who is much younger than me. By this I meant the concern that I am actually going after a young individual, as in courtship. I am okay about the concern aspect but not to the point where conclusions are drawn when I did not have that kind of motives in the first place.

Anyway, I have concluded that if my conscience is clear then I should not be too bothered by this. If I begin to behave awkwardly, then it would show others that I am actually guilty. Hopefully time will show these persons that they have made wrong conclusions and assumptions.

The other encounter was truly an insensitive remark being made. I was asked whether I am a gay because I am still single at this age. The sad thing is this person actually knows me. When I heard that statement being made, I was hurt but so be it. Every one is entitled to their opinion of another and I cannot always defend what they think of me.

Then another remark was made in the subsequent conversation which did not help me either. Another individual commented that perhaps it could be due to my weight; that I should go on a diet so that girls will come after a slimmer Andy Chew. If that is the case, I would rather remain single for the rest of my life because I know superficiality will not bring two parties far.

Why are we so superficial? I use "we" because I am equally guilty of being insensitive and assuming at times.

Well, another interesting part of my pilgrim's journey. Anyway, it is not that I do not want to change my status from being single to married. I cannot, because of what others think of me, rush into a relationship which, if not handled properly, will cause two lives and a friendship to be broken. I would rather maintain the friendship than to break it just because I want to be accepted in society as a married individual; to succumb to peer pressure; to cheapen the love God has given and taught me just because the world has a warped idea of what love is.

I guess I have shared enough. May the Lord be my help in all things!

Time to sleep. I have to babysit Claire tomorrow though I have no clue yet as to the time and place of meet. I am looking forward to it and I pray we will all have fun together.

"Do not seek revenge or bear a grudge against one of your people, but love your neighbor as yourself. I am the LORD." Leviticus 19:18