This morning I had very troubling dreams of some people whom I have burdens for. The dreams were so real and painful that when I woke up, my heart was very heavy. I acted on these dreams by first praying for these lives as I have no idea what else to do then.
Throughout the day those dreams were still in my mind. As I was pondering on them, sometimes I wonder whether my ministry to these individuals has any significance at all.
In my growing up years as a Christian, I have been taught to give without expecting anything in return but today I wonder it was worth it at all.
Perhaps it is the human side of me which is battling this thought but it is something real. I have been serving God for more than 20 years now. I have given a great significant of my time to the ministries I have been serving in and they all involve lives.
I have experienced a lot of joy serving the people around me but lately there seems to be more discouragement and pain. When I know of certain struggles they are going through, I pray for them. When I felt that there was a need to speak to them, I always ask God to speak through me.
What bothers me is that all these words of encouragements or sometimes rebukes seem to fall on deaf ears.
I have been asking God why this is so and these past few days, the words I have been receiving are "Let them go."
Maybe I should because after all I am a human trying my best to be there for the people I love but I can only go that far. Perhaps I need to let go of them and trust that God will minister to these lives more effectively.
There is a sense of uselessness that I am experiencing because it makes me wonder whether I am effective at all as a friend or brother to another. Sometimes I wish people can spare a thought for me too but I guess I should not be expecting that.
Well, this is one area of my life now as a Christian and a point in my journey that I am in doubt. Perhaps I should take a sabbatical in ministry and let God equip me again so that I can carry on in the next phase.
Not a good day I have but a needed one for me to reflect and evaluate.
"Listen to my words, LORD, consider my lament. Hear my cry for help, my King and my God, for to you I pray. In the morning, LORD, you hear my voice; in the morning I lay my requests before you and wait expectantly." Psalm 5:1-3
